Laugh and Reflect: A Collection of Funny and Inspirational Quotes About Life

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away."

- Benjamin Franklin

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."

- Richard Jeni

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

- George Carlin

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

- George Carlin

"I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later."

- Mitch Hedberg

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

- Joan Rivers

"Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube."

- Joan Rivers

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine."

- Lord Byron

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

- George Carlin

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"Do or do not. There is no try."

- Yoda

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

- Robin Williams

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

"Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping."

- Bo Derek

"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money."

- Pablo Picasso

"When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'"

- Groucho Marx

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."

- Oprah Winfrey

"Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it."

- Merida

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"Working hard is important. But there is something that matters more, believing yourself."

- Harry Potter

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs…one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best — that is inspiration."

- Robert Bresson

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

- Mark Twain

"Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know."

- Daniel J. Boorstin

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."

- Will Rogers

"Keep calm and carry a wand."

- A.W. Jantha

"I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured, if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

- Joan Rivers

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

- Douglas Adams

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’"

- Don Marquis

"Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway."

- Greg Tamblyn

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."

- Linda Grayson

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it."

- W. C. Fields

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."

- George Carlin

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!”"

- C.S. Lewis

"Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, ‘I’m not going to make it’, but you laugh inside remembering all the times you’ve felt that way."

- Charles Bukowski

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself."

- Ethel Barrymore

"The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me."

- Ayn Rand

"Life isn’t finding shelter in the storm. It’s about learning to dance in the rain."

- Sherrilyn Kenyon

"When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs."

- Wanda

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."

- Andy Rooney

"A true friend is someone that thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."

- Bernard Meltzer

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."

- Abraham Lincoln

"Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos."

- Stanley Hudson

"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

- Benjamin Franklin

"Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems."

- Homer Simpson

"Marriage: a friendship recognized by the police."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."

- Blaise Pascal

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'"

- Sydney J. Harris

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad."

- Arnold H. Glasgow

"We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third."

- Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

- Thomas Edison

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

- Phyllis Diller

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."

- Derek Bok

"So be wise, because the world needs more wisdom, and if you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would."

- Neil Gaiman

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!"

- Billy Connolly

"Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."

- Michael Scott

"I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness."

- Bill Watterson

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."

- Margaret Thatcher

"I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde."

- Dolly Parton

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me."

- Miranda Priestly

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it."

- George Burns

"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas."

- Paula Poundstone

"Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat."

- Harry Emerson Fosdick

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

- Isaac Asimov

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right."

- Isaac Asimov

"Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not."

- Vaclav Havel

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."

- Cathy Guisewite

"I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending."

- Jack Whitehall

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

- Oscar Wilde

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out."

- Erma Bombeck

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

"Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews!"

- Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants

"I’m a bit of a sucker for second chances. They’re my first favorite kind of chance."

- Jessica Day, New Girl

"When life brings big winds of change that almost blow you over, close your eyes, hang on tight, and believe."

- Lisa Lieberman-Wang

"Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears."

- Les Brown

"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"Don’t let schooling interfere with your education."

- Mark Twain

"There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do."

- Amy Poehler

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?"

- Captain Jack Sparrow

"Oh, yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it or learn from it."

- Rafiki

"There comes a day when you’re gonna look around and realize happiness is where you are."

- Chief Tui

"I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels. Which is why I finally understand war."

- Jeff Winger, Community

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian."

- Dennis Wholey

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself."

- Sam Levenson

"You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it."

- Robin Williams

"‘Best friend’ isn’t a person—it’s a tier."

- Mindy Kaling

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."

- Mark Twain

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you’ll be criticized anyway."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up."

- Ann Bradford

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Friendship is like money—easier made than kept."

- Samuel Butler

"You can always tell a real friend: When you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job."

- Laurence J. Peter

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

- Mae West

"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."

- Carroll Bryant

"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."

- P. J. O’Rourke

"Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night."

- Jason Love

"A peacock that rests on his tail feathers is just another turkey."

- Dolly Parton

"The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last."

- Willy Wonka

"It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love."

- Miles Davis

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’"

- Sydney J. Harris

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

- George Carlin

"Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"'Fries or salad?' sums up every adult decision you have to make."

- Aparna Nancherla

"You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal."

- Elizabeth Taylor

"It’s important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to the friendship that we are not."

- Mignon McLaughlin

"My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’"

- Rose Nylund

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

- Jules Renard

"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."

- Richard Lewis

"We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits."

- William Somerset Maugham

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

- Lily Tomlin

"What am I scared of? I’m scared of the same thing that you are: everything."

- George Costanza

"Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I’ll find it along the way."

- Michael Scott

"Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."

- Clairee Belcher

"Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats."

- Voltaire

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

- Marilyn Monroe

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

- Oprah Winfrey

"If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you."

- Billy Wilder

"I’m not superstitious…but I am a little stitious."

- Michael Scott

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

- Sylvia Plath

"The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him."

- Oscar Wilde

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

- Redd Foxx

"Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing."

- William James

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me."

- Garry Shandling

"People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever's in the glass."

- Sophia Petrillo

"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."

- Jay McInerney

"Well-behaved women seldom make history."

- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage."

- Anaïs Nin

"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."

- Phyllis Diller

"As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy."

- Ralphie May

"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"

- Steven Wright

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."

- Oscar Wilde

"See the world like a big wardrobe. Everybody has his own costume. There is only one that fits you perfectly."

- George Harris

"Never follow anyone else’s path, unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

- Bill Watterson

"When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you."

- Walter Payton

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe."

- Albert Einstein

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

- Mark Twain

"I’d love to stand here and talk with you...but I’m not going to."

- Phil Connors

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"Don’t be so humble — you are not that great."

- Golda Meir

"Trying is the first step toward failure."

- Homer Simpson

"I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

- Henry Youngman

"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."

- Will Rogers

"Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any."

- Samuel L. Jackson

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess."

- Lemony Snicket

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

- Phyllis Diller

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

- Erich Segal

"It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office."

- Shirley MacLaine

"I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

- Ouiser Boudreaux

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it."

- David Lee Roth

"Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path — unless you're in the woods, and you're lost, and you see a path, then by all means you should follow that."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"To those of you who received honors, awards, and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be President of the United States."

- George W. Bush

"Your soul is like your appendix—I don’t even use it!"

- Michael Kelso

"Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday."

- Lin-Manuel Miranda

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door."

- Kyle Chandler

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."

- Bryan White

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

- Jim Carrey

"A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open."

- Frank Zappa

"Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes."

- Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."

- Steven Wright

"I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!"

- Charles M. Schulz

"In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later."

- Harold Geneen

"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children."

- Sam Levenson

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious."

- Og Mandino

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now, I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"After a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are."

- Shrek

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."

- Bernard Meltzer

"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"

- Groucho Marx

"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."

- Benjamin Franklin

"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

- Tom Lehrer

"Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television."

- David Letterman

"A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

- Mark Twain

"I'm not crazy — I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

- Ouiser Boudreaux

"When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."

- Nora Ephron

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"Life is short. Drive fast, and leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos."

- Stanley Hudson

"I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened."

- Will Rogers

"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas."

- Paula Poundstone

"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."

- Billie Burke

"If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them."

- Reese Witherspoon

"I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet."

- Carrie Bradshaw

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."

- Fran Lebowitz

"Instant gratification takes too long."

- Carrie Fisher

"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well."

- Dory

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

- Terry Pratchett

"Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?"

- Jay Leno

"I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are."

- Damien Fahey

"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look."

- Halley Reed

"As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother."

- Prince William

"I’m not insane. My mother had me tested."

- Sheldon Cooper

"You can kid the world, but not your sister."

- Charlotte Gray

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."

- George Bernard Shaw

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

- George Burns

"Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes."

- P.J. O’Rourke

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it."

- Shirley MacLaine

"People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup."

- Dolly Parton

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

- Bob Hope

"You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there."

- George Burns

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."

- Joan Rivers

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome."

- Isaac Asimov

"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."

- Norman Wisdom

"Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours."

- Yogi Berra

"I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else."

- George Carlin

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.”"

- Robin Williams

"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."

- Mindy Kaling

"Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’"

- Steven Wright

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

- Noel Coward

"Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment."

- John Mulaney

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne."

- Tina Fey

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

- Bill Watterson

"Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked."

- The Grinch

"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"

- Charlie Brown

"When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands."

- Larry David

"People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys."

- Mike Bechtle

"People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass."

- Sophia Petrillo

"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family."

- Bo Bennett

"From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge."

- Jarod Kintz

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."

- Edgar Allan Poe

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes."

- William Gibson

"My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time."

- Maria Bamford

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?"

- Lillian Donovan

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper."

- Quentin Crisp

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."

- Philip K. Dick

"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."

- Jimmy Kimmel

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

- Charles Lamb

"I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

- Jerome K. Jerome

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

- W.C. Fields

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"When in doubt, look intelligent."

- Garrison Keillor

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

"An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."

- Michael Scott

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

- Rita Mae Brown

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

- Douglas Adams

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished."

- Leslie Nielsen

"I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

- Muhammad Ali

"It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work."

- William Faulkner

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’"

- Dave Barry

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die. Come watch TV."

- Morty

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

- Isaac Asimov

"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"I cannot afford to waste my time making money."

- Louis Agassiz

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."

- Franklin P. Jones

"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."

- Buddy Hackett

"Never have more children than you have car windows."

- Erma Bombeck

"Between friends, differences in taste or opinion are irritating in direct proportion to their triviality."

- W.H. Auden

"Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’"

- Cookie Monster

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it."

- Charles Dudley Warner

"It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it."

- Dorothy Zbornak

"Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford."

- Cindy Crawford

"All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."

- Alexander Woollcott

"Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes."

- P.J. O'Rourke

"I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words."

- Nick Miller

"The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone."

- Dolly Parton

"Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?"

- Jean Illsley Clarke

"If you can't be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"Don't be so humble — you are not that great."

- Golda Meir

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

- Will Rogers

"I've had great success being a total idiot."

- Jerry Lewis

"My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."

- Winston S. Churchill

"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."

- Sir Norman Wisdom

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."

- Shirley MacLaine

"The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana."

- Betty White

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

- Woody Allen

"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."

- Ogden Nash

"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest."

- Larry Lorenzoni

"If I had known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself."

- Mickey Mantle

"I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age, I’m very pleased to be anywhere."

- George Burns

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."

- Mark Twain

"Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up."

- John Wagner

"Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one."

- Terry Pratchett

"I generally avoid temptation, unless I can't resist it."

- Mae West

"I always cook with wine. Sometimes, I even add it to the food."

- W.C. Fields

"I drink to make other people more interesting."

- Ernest Hemingway

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then it's you."

- Rita Mae Brown

"Friends make you smile — best friends make you giggle ’til you pee your pants."

- Terri Guillemets

"Sometimes, you lie in bed at night, and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"

- Charlie Brown

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."

- Oscar Wilde

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."

- Isaac Asimov

"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."

- Zach Galifianakis

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

- Phyllis Diller

"Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired."

- Sandra Bullock

"The Lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most."

- Ann Landers

"I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde."

- Dolly Parton

"Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping."

- Blanche Devereaux

"I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat."

- Pam Beesly

"Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living."

- Meryl Streep

"Everything I have I owe to this job ... this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job."

- Jim Halpert

"So this is my life — until I win the lottery."

- Jim Halpert

"Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"

- Phyllis Diller

"I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

- Joan Rivers

"Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door."

- Marcelene Cox

"The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."

- Sarah Brown

"You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic."

- Zig Ziglar

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there."

- Will Rogers

"Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."

- Charlotte Whitton

"I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."

- Kevin Malone

"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."

- Dwight Schrute

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"Honey, time marches on, and eventually, you realize it is marchin' across your face."

- Truvy Jones

"You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police."

- Joan Rivers

"Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway."

- Sophia Petrillo

"No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You're old, you sag, get over it."

- Sophia Petrillo

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."

- George Burns

"Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could."

- Charles J. Sykes

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?"

- Albert Einstein

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."

- Dodgeball

"People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing."

- Will Rogers

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it."

- Bob Hope

"It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare."

- Benjamin Dover

"You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice."

- Sam Levenson

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam."

- George Carlin

"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."

- George Carlin

"If you dig a grave for others you may fall into it yourself."

- Irish Proverbs

"If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."

- Yogi Berra

"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."

- Robert Downey Jr.

"Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you."

- Jeffree Star

"A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright."

- Lucille Ball

"Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them."

- Dick Van Dyke

"Kill them with success and bury them with a smile."

- Usain Bolt

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind."

"Always remember that you are unique — just like everybody else."

"A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure."

"We make mistakes because life doesn’t come with instructions."

"When life puts you in a tough situation, don’t say 'Why me?', say 'Try me'."

"Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be a miserable cow."

"Some people are like clouds: when they disappear, it’s a beautiful day."

"When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water."

"I need a six-month vacation twice a year."

"Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll laugh at you."

"Be that kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor every morning, the devil says, 'Oh crap she’s up'."

"You can’t always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out."

"Life is like photography. You need the negatives to develop."

"I have to be successful because I like expensive things."

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."