Laugh Your Way to Inspiration: A Collection of Funny Quotes

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

- George Carlin

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

- Robin Williams

"Never have more children than you have car windows."

- Erma Bombeck

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."

- Charlie Chaplin

"Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’"

- Cookie Monster

"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube."

- Joan Rivers

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

- Jules Renard

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

- Oprah Winfrey

"Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that."

- George Carlin

"Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do."

- Amy Poehler

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."

- Jay McInerney

"Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway."

- Greg Tamblyn

"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later."

- Mitch Hedberg

"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children."

- Sam Levenson

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

- Phyllis Diller

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

- Ferris Bueller

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!"

- Billy Connolly

"When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

- Erich Segal

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."

- Carroll Bryant

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired."

- Sandra Bullock

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs... one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."

- Katharine Whitehorn

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"The best revenge is massive success."

- Frank Sinatra

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

- Mark Twain

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

"When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'"

- Groucho Marx

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me."

- Garry Shandling

"Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!”"

- C.S. Lewis

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."

- Oprah Winfrey

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

"It ain’t over til it’s over."

- Yogi Berra

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet."

- Carrie Bradshaw

"If you’re going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

"As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."

- Buddy Hackett

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

- Tom Lehrer

"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."

- George Carlin

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"Bad decisions make good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

- Mark Twain

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian."

- Dennis Wholey

"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

- Dolly Parton

"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."

- Bryan White

"To those of you who received honors, awards, and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be President of the United States."

- George W. Bush

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."

- Robert Downey Jr.

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."

- Forrest Gump

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

- George Burns

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

- Joan Rivers

"Why, sometimes I’ve believed six impossible things before breakfast."

- Alice in Wonderland

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

- George Carlin

"The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last."

- Willy Wonka

"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits."

- Albert Einstein

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

- Oscar Wilde

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."

- Phyllis Diller

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open."

- Frank Zappa

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

- Benjamin Franklin

"Your most important work is always ahead of you, never behind you."

- Stephen Covey

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'"

- Sydney J. Harris

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."

- Will Rogers

"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!"

- Marvin Phillips

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself."

- Ethel Barrymore

"Today is a good day to try."

- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

"Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

"Between friends, differences in taste or opinion are irritating in direct proportion to their triviality."

- W.H. Auden

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad."

- Arnold H. Glasgow

"Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there."

- Josh Billings

"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."

- Margaret Thatcher

"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book."

- Groucho Marx

"A true friend is someone that thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."

- Bernard Meltzer

"Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know."

- Daniel J. Boorstin

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome."

- Isaac Asimov

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

- Redd Foxx

"Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours."

- Yogi Berra

"I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else."

- George Carlin

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.”"

- Robin Williams

"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."

- Mindy Kaling

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

- Noel Coward

"It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment."

- John Mulaney

"My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne."

- Tina Fey

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

- Bill Watterson

"Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked."

- The Grinch

"When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands."

- Larry David

"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family."

- Bo Bennett

"From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge."

- Jarod Kintz

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."

- Edgar Allan Poe

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes."

- William Gibson

"My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time."

- Maria Bamford

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?"

- Lillian Donovan

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper."

- Quentin Crisp

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."

- Philip K. Dick

"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."

- Jimmy Kimmel

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

- Douglas Adams

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

- Charles Lamb

"I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

- Jerome K. Jerome

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’"

- Don Marquis

"By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me."

- Miranda Priestly

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

- George Carlin

"Trying is the first step toward failure."

- Homer Simpson

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it."

- George Burns

"When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you."

- Walter Payton

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

- W.C. Fields

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

"An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."

- Michael Scott

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

- Rita Mae Brown

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

- Douglas Adams

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished."

- Leslie Nielsen

"I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

- Muhammad Ali

"It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work."

- William Faulkner

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’"

- Dave Barry

"No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television."

- David Letterman

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."

- Derek Bok

"Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it."

- Charles Dudley Warner

"When in doubt, look intelligent."

- Garrison Keillor

"Criticism is the best sign you’re onto something."

- Michael Lopp

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."

- Oscar Wilde

"Don’t be so humble — you are not that great."

- Golda Meir

"It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous."

- Robert Benchley

"I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."

- Fran Lebowitz

"Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat."

- Harry Emerson Fosdick

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright."

- Lucille Ball

"Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them."

- Dick Van Dyke

"Even a stopped clock is right twice every day."

- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."

- Norman Wisdom

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

- Mark Twain

"People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys."

- Mike Bechtle

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office."

- Shirley MacLaine

"Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’"

- Steven Wright

"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"

- Charlie Brown

"People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass."

- Sophia Petrillo

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night."

- Jason Love

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

- Ouiser Boudreaux

"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."

- Billie Burke

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’"

- Rose Nylund

"A peacock that rests on his tail feathers is just another turkey."

- Dolly Parton

"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

- Thomas Edison

"I cannot afford to waste my time making money."

- Louis Agassiz

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."

- Franklin P. Jones

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping."

- Bo Derek

"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas."

- Paula Poundstone

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

- Henry Kissinger

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don’t turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday."

- Planes, Trains and Automobiles

"Well, nobody’s perfect."

- Some Like It Hot

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."

- Dodgeball

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is."

- RuPaul

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

- Sylvia Plath

"We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits."

- William Somerset Maugham

"‘Best friend’ isn’t a person—it’s a tier."

- Mindy Kaling

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."

- Linda Grayson

"You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal."

- Elizabeth Taylor

"Friendship is like money—easier made than kept."

- Samuel Butler

"It’s important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to the friendship that we are not."

- Mignon McLaughlin

"You can always tell a real friend: When you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job."

- Laurence J. Peter

"Marriage: a friendship recognized by the police."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."

- Richard Jeni

"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."

- Richard Lewis

"You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

- Henry Youngman

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

- Lily Tomlin

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

- Mae West

"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."

- Blaise Pascal

"Instant gratification takes too long."

- Carrie Fisher

"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"So be wise, because the world needs more wisdom, and if you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would."

- Neil Gaiman

"I’d love to stand here and talk with you...but I’m not going to."

- Phil Connors

"I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde."

- Dolly Parton

"I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well."

- Dory

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

- Terry Pratchett

"To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs."

- Wanda

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

- Isaac Asimov

"I’m not superstitious…but I am a little stitious."

- Michael Scott

"Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?"

- Jay Leno

"I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending."

- Jack Whitehall

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are."

- Damien Fahey

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look."

- Halley Reed

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out."

- Erma Bombeck

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother."

- Prince William

"I’m not insane. My mother had me tested."

- Sheldon Cooper

"I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday."

- Lin-Manuel Miranda

"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."

- P. J. O’Rourke

"When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."

- Nora Ephron

"You can kid the world, but not your sister."

- Charlotte Gray

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."

- George Bernard Shaw

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

- George Carlin

"The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him."

- Oscar Wilde

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes."

- P.J. O’Rourke

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it."

- Shirley MacLaine

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

- Bob Hope

"You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there."

- George Burns

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."

- Joan Rivers

"You want to get out of the hole? First you’re going to have to put down the shovel."

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with good intentions."