Hilarious and Inspiring: The Ultimate Collection of Funny Quotes to Brighten Your Day

"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do."

- Amy Poehler

"Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning."

- H. Jackson Brown Jr.

"Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you."

- Chip Gaines

"My wife didn't take my name, which isn't weird, but what's weird is when people think it's weird, like we're on a first-name basis anyway."

- Mark Agee

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery."

- Erma Bombeck

"I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat."

- Mindy Kaling

"Today is a good day to try."

- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

- George Carlin

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"Just ’cause some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn’t make her your soulmate."

- 500 Days of Summer

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"You’re not even old enough to know how bad life gets."

- The Virgin Suicides

"Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that."

- George Carlin

"I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."

- Katharine Whitehorn

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

- Thomas Edison

"Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there."

- Josh Billings

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."

- Will Rogers

"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

- Benjamin Franklin

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!"

- Marvin Phillips

"You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great."

- Zig Ziglar

"I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love."

- Jim Carrey

"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

- Ferris Bueller

"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs... one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

- Dolly Parton

"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."

- Phyllis Diller

"Why, sometimes I’ve believed six impossible things before breakfast."

- Alice in Wonderland

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde."

- Dolly Parton

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"It ain’t over til it’s over."

- Yogi Berra

"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"If you’re going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."

- Forrest Gump

"Well, nobody’s perfect."

- Some Like It Hot

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself."

- Ethel Barrymore

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

- George Carlin

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s van Wilder

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal."

- Ron Burgundy

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube."

- Joan Rivers

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”"

- Sydney J. Harris

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

- Robin Williams

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

- Mark Twain

"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is."

- RuPaul

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher."

- Socrates

"We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working."

- Justin Timberlake

"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup."

- Dolly Parton

"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

- Tom Lehrer

"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open."

- Frank Zappa

"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don’t turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book."

- Groucho Marx

"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits."

- Albert Einstein

"The best revenge is massive success."

- Frank Sinatra

"It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."

- Robert Downey Jr.

"Your most important work is always ahead of you, never behind you."

- Stephen Covey

"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."

- Margaret Thatcher

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."

- George Carlin

"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

- Phyllis Diller

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"You will find the key to success under the alarm clock."

- Benjamin Franklin

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

- Mark Twain

"You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club."

- Jack London

"I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending."

- Jack Whitehall

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

- Henry Kissinger

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday."

- Planes, Trains and Automobiles

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look."

- Halley Reed

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

- Oscar Wilde

"Instant gratification takes too long."

- Carrie Fisher

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

- Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Criticism is the best sign you’re onto something."

- Michael Lopp

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."

- Oscar Wilde

"Don’t be so humble — you are not that great."

- Golda Meir

"I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat."

- Harry Emerson Fosdick

"Bad decisions make good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."

- Bryan White

"Even a stopped clock is right twice every day."

- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

"It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office."

- Shirley MacLaine

"People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass."

- Sophia Petrillo

"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."

- Franklin P. Jones

"Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping."

- Bo Derek

"Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired."

- Sandra Bullock

"Don’t be so humble — you're not that great."

- Golda Meir

"I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later."

- Mitch Hedberg

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

- Joan Rivers

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

- Terry Pratchett

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

- Isaac Asimov

"I’m not superstitious … but I am a little stitious."

- Michael Scott

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are."

- Damien Fahey

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out."

- Erma Bombeck

"I’m not insane. My mother had me tested."

- Sheldon Cooper

"Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday."

- Lin Manuel Miranda

"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."

- P. J. O’Rourke

"When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."

- Nora Ephron

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."

- George Bernard Shaw

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

- George Carlin

"The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him."

- Oscar Wilde

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

- George Burns

"Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes."

- P.J. O'Rourke

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it."

- Shirley MacLaine

"I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ‘cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to."

- Napoleon Dynamite

"I am serious — and don’t call me Shirley."

- Dr. Rumack

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.”"

- Robin Williams

"My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne."

- Tina Fey

"Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked."

- The Grinch

"My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time."

- Maria Bamford

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

- Douglas Adams

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’"

- Don Marquis

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

- George Carlin

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you."

- Walter Payton

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world."

- Nelson Mandela

"Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere."

- Chinese Proverb

"You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."

- Joan Rivers

"Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. The only way to do great work is to love what you do."

- Steve Jobs

"We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated."

- Maya Angelou

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

- Bob Hope

"My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’"

- Rose Nylund

"I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else."

- George Carlin

"To do what nobody else will do, in a way that nobody else can do, in spite of all we go through…that is what it is to be a nurse."

- Rawsi Williams, RN

"The most important practical lesson that can be given to nurses is to teach them what to observe."

- Florence Nightingale

"Nursing is a progressive art such that to stand still is to go backwards."

- Florence Nightingale

"The nurse is temporarily the consciousness of the unconscious, the love of life of the suicidal, the leg of the amputee, the eyes of the newly blind, a means of locomotion for the newborn, knowledge and confidence for the young mother, a voice for those too weak to speak, and so on."

- Virginia Henderson, RN

"Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts."

- Winston Churchill

"You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I’ll guarantee you’ll win."

- Patch Adams

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

- Leo Buscaglia

"Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny."

- Mahatma Ghandi

"Nurses are the heart of healthcare."

- Donna Wilk Cardillo, MA, RN, CSP

"As a nurse we have the opportunity to heal the mind, soul, heart, and body of our patients. They may forget your name, but they will never forget how you made them feel."

- Maya Angelou

"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and, above all, confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something, and that this something, at whatever cost, must be attained."

- Marie Curie

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle."

- Plato

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."

- Mahatma Gandhi

"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier."

- Mother Teresa

"Our job as nurses is to cushion the sorrow and celebrate the job, every day, while we are ‘just doing our jobs.’"

- Christine Belle

"I attribute my success to this; I never gave nor took any excuse."

- Florence Nightingale

"You treat a disease: you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you win—no matter the outcome."

- Robin Williams in Patch Adams

"Nursing is one of the fine arts: I had almost said ‘the finest of fine arts.’"

- Florence Nightingale

"The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest."

- William Osler

"It is not how much you do, but how much love you put in the doing."

- Mother Teresa

"Every nurse was drawn to nursing because of a desire to care, to serve, or to help."

- Christina Feist-Heilmeier, RN

"Nurses are there when the last breath is taken, and nurses are there when the first breath is taken. Although it is more enjoyable to celebrate the birth, it is just as important to comfort in death."

- Christine Bell

"America’s nurses are the beating heart of our medical system."

- Barack Obama

"Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon."

- Dag Hammarskjold

"A caress, a smile, is full of meaning for one who is sick. It is a simple gesture, but encouraging, he or she feels accompanied, feels closer to being healed, feels like a person, not a number."

- Pope Francis

"Nurses are always there, you care for us from the earliest years. You look after us in our happiest and saddest times. And for many, you look after us and our families at the end of our lives. Your dedication and professionalism are awe-inspiring."

- Duchess Kate Middleton

"You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there."

- George Burns

"Confidence is not ‘they will like me,’ confidence is “I’ll be fine if they don’t.” Successful people have fear, successful people have doubts, and successful people have worries. They just don’t let these feelings stop them."

- T. Harv Eker

"Caring is the essence of nursing."

- Jean Watson

"Let us never consider ourselves finished nurses....we must be learning all of our lives."

- Florence Nightingale

"Nursing is an art: and if it is to be made an art, it requires an exclusive devotion as hard a preparation as any painter's or sculptor's work."

- Florence Nightingale

"The very first requirement in a hospital is that it should do the sick no harm."

- Florence Nightingale

"Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow."

- Anthony J. D'Angelo

"I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it."

- Art Williams

"Nothing will work unless you do."

- Maya Angelou

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"I never dreamed about success—I worked for it."

- Estée Lauder

"Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway."

- Earl Nightingale

"Hardships often prepare people for an extraordinary destiny."

- C.S. Lewis

"Big pay and little responsibility are circumstances seldom found together."

- Napoleon Hill

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas."

- Paula Poundstone

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last."

- Willy Wonka

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."

- Fran Lebowitz

"An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."

- Michael Scott

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

- Rita Mae Brown

"I’d love to stand here and talk with you ... but I’m not going to."

- Phil Connors

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

- Douglas Adams

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well."

- Dory

"Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished."

- Leslie Nielsen

"I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?"

- Jay Leno

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

- Muhammad Ali

"It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work."

- William Faulkner

"If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’"

- Dave Barry

"No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother."

- Prince William

"You can kid the world, but not your sister."

- Charlotte Gray

"Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now."

- Clark Griswold

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"Oh, this is your wife? A lovely lady. Hey, baby, you’re alright. You must’ve been something before electricity."

- Al Czervik

"According to the map, we’ve only gone four inches."

- Harry Dunne

"Just so you know, doctors are here to diagnose, not heal. We heal."

- Edie Falco in Nurse Jackie

"I’m sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself."

- Hansel

"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."

- Mindy Kaling

"Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’"

- Steven Wright

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

- Noel Coward

"It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment."

- John Mulaney

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

- Bill Watterson

"When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands."

- Larry David

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me."

- Garry Shandling

"People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys."

- Mike Bechtle

"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family."

- Bo Bennett

"From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge."

- Jarod Kintz

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."

- Edgar Allan Poe

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes."

- William Gibson

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?"

- Lillian Donovan

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper."

- Quentin Crisp

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

- Ouiser Boudreaux

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."

- Philip K. Dick

"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."

- Jimmy Kimmel

"The doctors may be mapping out the war games, but it is the nurses who make the conflict bearable."

- Jodi Picoult

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

- Charles Lamb

"I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

- Jerome K. Jerome

"By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me."

- Miranda Priestly

"Trying is the first step toward failure."

- Homer Simpson

"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."

- Sir Norman Wisdom

"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"

- Charlie Brown

"If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it."

- George Burns

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs."

- Wanda

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

- W.C. Fields

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet."

- Carrie Bradshaw

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"When in doubt, look intelligent."

- Garrison Keillor

"I think one’s feelings waste themselves in words; they ought all to be distilled into actions which bring results."

- Florence Nightingale

"She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention."

- Harry Dunne

"The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family."

- Thornton Melon

"You’re not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves!"

- Richard Hayden

"Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come home, irritate me."

- Oscar Madison

"There are only two things I can’t stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch."

- Nigel Powers

"I thought moms were supposed to be nice and sweet and patient. I know loan sharks that are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain’t dead, lady, he’s hiding."

- Gus

"No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, I mean, it’s not crazy to think I can’t live to 245, maybe 300."

- Ricky Bobby

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

- French soldier

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome."

- Isaac Asimov

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

- Redd Foxx

"Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours."

- Yogi Berra

"Fill your mind with truth. Fill your heart with love. Fill your life with service."

- Vaughn J. Featherstone

"Your profession is not what brings home your paycheck. Your profession is what you were put on Earth to do with such passion and such intensity that it becomes spiritual in calling."

- Vincent van Gogh

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose."

- Dr. Seuss

"When I think about all the patients and their loved ones I have worked with over the years, I know most of them don’t remember me, nor I them. But I do know that I gave a little piece of myself to each of them, and they to me, and those threads make up the tapestry that is my career in nursing."

- Donna Wilk Cardillo

"Success comes to those who are too busy to look for it."

- Henry David Thoreau

"How very little can be done under the spirit of fear."

- Florence Nightingale

"So never lose an opportunity of urging a practical beginning, however small, for it is wonderful how often in such matters the mustard-seed germinates and roots itself."

- Florence Nightingale

"I want to apologize. I’m not even confident on which end that came out of."

- Megan

"Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings."

- Salvador Dali

"Work for a cause, not for applause. Live life to express, not to impress. Don’t strive to make your presence noticed, just make your presence felt."

- Grace Lichtenstein

"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."

- Confucius

"If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably never do much of anything."

- Win Borden

"Although your educational journey may be difficult at times, you will reap the reward of utmost satisfaction when holding your nursing diploma for the first time—and nothing will ever compare to the fulfillment that improving and saving the lives of others will bring!"

- Mikhail Shneyder

"Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse."

- Elizabeth Kenny

"Apprehension, uncertainty, waiting, expectation, fear of surprise, do a patient more harm than any exertion."

- Florence Nightingale

"It’s okay to learn from every experience, and it’s okay to make mistakes."

- Louise Hay

"If we’re growing, we’re always going to be out of our comfort zone."

- John Maxwell

"Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for fewer problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenges, wish for more wisdom."

- Earl Shoaf

"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."

- Benjamin Spock

"I am among those who think that science has great beauty."

- Marie Curie

"Bound by paperwork, short on hands, sleep, and energy…nurses are rarely short on caring."

- Sharon Hudacek

"We often think of nursing as giving meds on time, checking an X-ray to see if the doctor needs to be called, or taking an admission at 2:00 a.m. with a smile on our faces. Too often, we forget all the other things that make our job what it truly is — caring and having a desire to make a difference."

- Erin Pettengill, RN

"It would not be possible to praise nurses too highly."

- Stephen Ambrose

"Nurses—one of the few blessings of being ill."

- Sara Moss-Wolfe

"If you can’t figure out your purpose, figure out your passion. For passion will lead you right into your purpose."

- Bishop T.D. Jakes

"Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts."

- Charles Dickens

"A nurse will always give us hope, an angel with a stethoscope."

- Carrie Latet

"Happiness … consists of giving, and in serving others."

- Henry Drummond

"The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away."

- Pablo Picasso

"The character of the nurse is as important as the knowledge she possesses."

- Carolyn Jarvis

"A nurse is compassion in scrubs."

- Lexie Saige

"Whether a person is a male or female, a nurse is a nurse."

- Gary Veale, RN

"Keep calm and carry a wand."

- A.W. Jantha

"How can anybody hate nurses? Nobody hates nurses. The only time you hate a nurse is when they’re giving you an enema."

- Warren Beatty

"Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital."

- Carrie Latet

"Here’s the deal, when life gives you lemons, just say f-ck the lemons and bail."

"If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."

"You want to get out of the hole? First you’re going to have to put down the shovel."

"Nurses dispense comfort, compassion, and caring without even a prescription."

"Save one life, you're a hero. Save a hundred lives, you're a nurse."

"I’m a nurse because ‘miracle worker’ isn’t an official title."

"The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow; do good anyway!"

- Unknown

"When you feel like quitting, remember why you started."

"Forgive yourself; you are not perfect. Show yourself grace; you are still learning. Show yourself patience; you are on a journey."

- Unknown

"Nursing school. One syllabus at a time. One class at a time. One exam at a time. One clinical at a time. Keep going…"

- Unknown

"I’m a nurse. What’s your superpower?"

"Save one person, you’re a hero. Save hundreds, you’re a nurse."

- Unknown

"A nurse is not what you do. It is what you are… I am a nurse. It’s not what I do, it’s what I AM."

- Unknown

"Nursing: The toughest job you’ll ever love."

- Unknown

"Not all angels have wings … some have scrubs."

"When you’re a nurse, you know that every day you will touch a life or a life will touch yours."

- Unknown

"Value what you do and add value by what you do."

- Unknown

"Sometimes I inspire my patients; more often, they inspire me."

- Unknown

"Nurse: just another word to describe a person strong enough to tolerate anything and soft enough to understand anyone."

"Be the nurse you would want as a patient."

"The definition of a nurse: To go above and beyond the call of duty. The first to work and the last to leave. The heart and soul of caring. who will pass through your life for a minute and impact it for an eternity. An empowered individual whom you may meet for only a 12-hour period, but who will put you and yours above theirs."

"It’s a beautiful thing when a career and a passion come together."

"When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million empty words."

"If you walk a mile in a nurses shoes, you’ll walk a whole lot farther than a mile, and your back will kill you at the end."

"The 3 words most people want to hear: ‘I love you.’ The 3 words nurses want to hear: ‘Alert, Oriented, and Ambulatory.”"

- Unknown

"Being a nurse is weird: I can keep a poker face through trauma, but have a mental breakdown over losing my favorite pen."

"Doctors save lives; nurses save doctors."

- Unknown

"May your scrubs be comfy, your coffee be strong, and your Monday be short."

"I’m a nurse—nothing scares me."

"A nurse’s blood type? Coffee."

- Unknown

"Don’t piss off nurses. They’re like the mafia. Piss off one and you piss off the rest."

- Unknown

"Treat the patient as a whole, not just the hole in the patient."

- Unknown

"Don’t mess with me—I get paid to stab people with sharp objects."

"You know you’re a nurse when your finger has gone places you never thought possible."

"I love being a nurse, but I mostly love wearing scrubs. They’re basically professional pajamas."

"Why yes I do marathons. It’s called 12.5+ hour nurse shift run 3 times a week."

"Nursing is not a career … it’s a post-apocalyptic survival skill."

"A new nurse gets scared when a doctor yells. An old nurse yells back."

"The nurse that can smile when things go wrong…is probably going off duty."

- Anonymous

"Nursing: when you're not sure if it’s Saturday or Tuesday."

- Unknown

"How many nurses does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it’s delegated to the nursing students."

- Unknown

"If I collapse at work, here is a list of doctors that I don’t want working on me!"

"I’ve come to the realization that I’ll touch anything as long as I have gloves on."

"You know that feeling when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat? Yeah, that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that."

- Unknown

"You can’t fix crazy, all you can do is document it."

- Anonymous

"No, RN does not stand for ‘Refreshments and Narcotics.’"

- Unknown

"Hand sanitizer has started to become your best friend."

"Every nurse has a best friend, Pam: LorazePAM, DiazePAM, and ClonazePAM…"

- Unknown

"Remember, I’m a nurse. You’re going to have to say a lot to gross me out."

"Yes, I am a nurse. No, I don’t want to look at it."

"No, I will not rub your feet. I am a nurse, not a masseur."

"Nurse: the first person you see after saying, ‘Hold my beer and watch this!’"

"You know you work in healthcare when you can discuss puke and bowel movements at the lunch table and no one flinches."

"Nursing friendships are a different kind of love; like, 'I'll hold the butt cheeks while you clean the butt crack' kind of love!"

- Unknown

"I like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it going to be today – starvation or 6,000 calories?"

- Anonymous

"Sometimes I have to remind myself around my non-nurse friends not to talk about bodily functions."

"When I heard 2020 was going to be the year of the nurse, this is not what I expected…"

"Don’t let anyone treat you like an expired 24 butterfly gauge. You are a #16 in the left forearm with excellent venous return!"

"People who ask me what I’m doing tomorrow probably assume I even know what day of the week it is."

- Anonymous

"Why did the nurse need a red crayon? To draw blood."

"What do you tell a nurse when she administers an injection painlessly? Good jab."

"Knock knock.  Who’s there? HIPAA.  HIPAA who? I can’t tell you that"

"What do transplant nurses hate? Rejection."

"What’s it called when a hospital runs out of maternity nurses? A midwife crisis."