Goofy Inspirational Quotes to Brighten Your Day and Boost Your Spirit

"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that."

- George Carlin

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."

- Katharine Whitehorn

"Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there."

- Josh Billings

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don’t turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!"

- Marvin Phillips

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

- Ferris Bueller

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"Why, sometimes I’ve believed six impossible things before breakfast."

- Alice in Wonderland

"Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday."

- Planes, Trains and Automobiles

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."

- Forrest Gump

"Well, nobody’s perfect."

- Some Like It Hot

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

"Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube."

- Joan Rivers

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'"

- Sydney J. Harris

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

- Mark Twain

"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is."

- RuPaul

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

- Oprah Winfrey

"When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'"

- Groucho Marx

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

- Sylvia Plath

"We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits."

- William Somerset Maugham

"'Best friend' isn’t a person—it’s a tier."

- Mindy Kaling

"Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!"

- C.S. Lewis

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad."

- Arnold H. Glasgow

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."

- Oprah Winfrey

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."

- Linda Grayson

"You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal."

- Elizabeth Taylor

"A true friend is someone that thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."

- Bernard Meltzer

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Friendship is like money—easier made than kept."

- Samuel Butler

"It’s important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to the friendship that we are not."

- Mignon McLaughlin

"You can always tell a real friend: When you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job."

- Laurence J. Peter

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"Marriage: a friendship recognized by the police."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."

- Richard Jeni

"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."

- Richard Lewis

"You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

- Henry Youngman

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

- Lily Tomlin

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

- Mae West

"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."

- Blaise Pascal

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess."

- Lemony Snicket

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

- Jules Renard

"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."

- Carroll Bryant

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

- Erich Segal

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

- Henry Kissinger

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

- Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired."

- Sandra Bullock

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

- George Carlin

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

- George Carlin

"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

- Terry Pratchett

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

- Robin Williams

"Don’t be so humble — you're not that great."

- Golda Meir

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes."

- Jack Handy

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

- Isaac Asimov

"I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal."

- Ron Burgundy

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

- Oscar Wilde

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours."

- Yogi Berra

"I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else."

- George Carlin

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.”"

- Robin Williams

"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."

- Mindy Kaling

"Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’"

- Steven Wright

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

- Noel Coward

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment."

- John Mulaney

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You can kid the world, but not your sister."

- Charlotte Gray

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."

- George Bernard Shaw

"The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him."

- Oscar Wilde

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

- George Burns

"Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes."

- P.J. O’Rourke

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it."

- Shirley MacLaine

"Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now."

- Clark Griswold

"Oh, this is your wife? A lovely lady. Hey, baby, you’re alright. You must’ve been something before electricity."

- Al Czervik

"According to the map, we’ve only gone four inches."

- Harry Dunne

"I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ‘cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to."

- Napoleon Dynamite

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"I am serious — and don’t call me Shirley."

- Dr. Rumack

"I’m sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself."

- Hansel

"I want to apologize. I’m not even confident on which end that came out of."

- Megan

"She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention."

- Harry Dunne

"The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family."

- Thornton Melon

"You’re not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves!"

- Richard Hayden

"Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come home, irritate me."

- Oscar Madison

"There are only two things I can’t stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch."

- Nigel Powers

"I thought moms were supposed to be nice and sweet and patient. I know loan sharks that are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain’t dead, lady, he’s hiding."

- Gus

"No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, I mean, it’s not crazy to think I can’t live to 245, maybe 300."

- Ricky Bobby

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

- French soldier

"People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup."

- Dolly Parton

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

- Bob Hope

"My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’"

- Rose Nylund

"You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there."

- George Burns

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."

- Joan Rivers

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome."

- Isaac Asimov

"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."

- Norman Wisdom

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

- Redd Foxx

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

- Rita Mae Brown

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

- Douglas Adams

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished."

- Leslie Nielsen

"I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

- Muhammad Ali

"It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work."

- William Faulkner

"If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’"

- Dave Barry

"No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"If you really want to do something, you will find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse."

- Jim Rohn

"Some people dream of success, while other people get up every morning and make it happen."

- Wayne Huizenga

"You must do the things you think you cannot do."

- ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."

- Winston Churchill

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

- Thomas A. Edison

"Instant gratification takes too long."

- Carrie Fisher

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"Keep calm and carry a wand."

- A.W. Jantha

"I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet."

- Carrie Bradshaw

"The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last."

- Willy Wonka

"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."

- Fran Lebowitz

"Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping."

- Bo Derek

"By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me."

- Miranda Priestly

"Trying is the first step toward failure."

- Homer Simpson

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it."

- George Burns

"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas."

- Paula Poundstone

"When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you."

- Walter Payton

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

- W.C. Fields

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"When in doubt, look intelligent."

- Garrison Keillor

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

"An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."

- Michael Scott

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

- Charles Lamb

"I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

- Jerome K. Jerome

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’"

- Don Marquis

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

- George Carlin

"I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later."

- Mitch Hedberg

"I’d love to stand here and talk with you ... but I’m not going to."

- Phil Connors

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

- Joan Rivers

"I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde."

- Dolly Parton

"It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office."

- Shirley MacLaine

"I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well."

- Dory

"To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs."

- Wanda

"I’m not superstitious … but I am a little stitious."

- Michael Scott

"Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?"

- Jay Leno

"I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending."

- Jack Whitehall

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are."

- Damien Fahey

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look."

- Halley Reed

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out."

- Erma Bombeck

"As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother."

- Prince William

"I’m not insane. My mother had me tested."

- Sheldon Cooper

"I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday."

- Lin-Manuel Miranda

"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."

- P. J. O’Rourke

"When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."

- Nora Ephron

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

- George Carlin

"My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne."

- Tina Fey

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

- Bill Watterson

"Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked."

- The Grinch

"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"

- Charlie Brown

"When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands."

- Larry David

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me."

- Garry Shandling

"People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys."

- Mike Bechtle

"People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass."

- Sophia Petrillo

"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family."

- Bo Bennett

"From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge."

- Jarod Kintz

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."

- Edgar Allan Poe

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes."

- William Gibson

"My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time."

- Maria Bamford

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?"

- Lillian Donovan

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper."

- Quentin Crisp

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

- Ouiser Boudreaux

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."

- Philip K. Dick

"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."

- Jimmy Kimmel

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

- Douglas Adams

"You have to stay in school. You have to. You have to go to college. You have to get your degree. Because that’s the one thing people can’t take away from you is your education. And it is worth the investment."

- Michelle Obama

"Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow."

- Anthony J. D’Angelo

"Practice isn’t the thing you do once you’re good. It’s the thing you do that makes you good."

- Malcolm Gladwell

"If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything."

- Marty Mcfly from Back to the Future

"You want to get out of the hole? First you’re going to have to put down the shovel."