Cleverly Sarcastic Quotes to Inspire Your Inner Wit

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

- George Carlin

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

- Douglas Adams

"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more."

- Walter Matthau

"My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’"

- Dave Barry

"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."

- Robin Williams

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

"I don’t eat meat because I love animals. I eat vegetables because I hate plants."

- Whitney Brown

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work."

- William Faulkner

"Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’."

- Robin Williams

"people appear bright until they speak."

- Steven Wright

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."

- Steven Wright

"I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."

- Oscar Wilde

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage."

- James Holt McGavran

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter."

- Cecilia Egan

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic."

- Lorrie Moore

"You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one."

- Robin Williams

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

- W.C. Fields

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability."

- Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness everywhere they go, others wherever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

"If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out."

- Lawrence Ferlinghetti

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

- Sacha Guitry

"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."

- Henny Youngman

"No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!"

- Groucho Marx

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth first."

- Groucho Marx

"A diamond is simply a lump of coal that performed well under pressure."

- Anonymous

"There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."

- Will Rogers

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery."

- Erma Bombeck

"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."

- Sir Winston Churchill

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him."

- Sir Winston Churchill

"I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

- Ouiser Boudreaux

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."

- Philip K. Dick

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

- Charles Lamb

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’"

- Don Marquis

"Trying is the first step toward failure."

- Homer Simpson

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t."

- Patrick Murray

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

- Rita Mae Brown

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late."

- Max Kauffmann

"Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

- Albert Einstein

"Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway."

- Joey Adams

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."

- Joan Crawford

"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."

- Groucho Marx

"Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it."

- Gene Perret

"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they’re not it."

- Bernard Bailey

"I became insane with long periods intervals of horrible sanity."

- Edgar Allen Poe

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid."

- John Wayne

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

- Groucho Marx

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

- Mark Twain

"Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures.'"

- Robin Williams

"An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true."

- Robert Oppenheimer

"Education is what one does after he has forgotten everything he learned at school."

- Albert Einstein

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak."

- Steven Wright

"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist."

- Michael Levine

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

"October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February."

- Mark Twain

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"Life is too short. Smile while you have teeth."

- Anonymous

"When in doubt, look intelligent."

- Garrison Keillor

"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."

- Jimmy Kimmel

"It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

- Muhammad Ali

"Try sleeping with a moth if you feel you are too small for a change."

- Dalai Lama

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!"

- Billy Connolly

"Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us."

- Stephen Colbert

"By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me."

- Miranda Priestly

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."

- Robert Frost

"Sometimes I feel so sick at the state of the world I can’t even finish my second apple pie."

- Banksy

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"Success is not something you can hide. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?"

- Kin Hubbard

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it."

- George Burns

"Marriage is a romantic relationship in which the heroine dies within the first chapter."

- Cecilia Egan

"Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey."

- Winston Churchill

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives."

- Abba Eban

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."

- Fred Allen

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."

- Michael Scott

"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."

- Albert Einstein

"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas."

- Paula Poundstone

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

- Groucho Marx

"I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic."

- Sarah Rees Brennan

"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."

- P. J. O’Rourke

"I’m not good at giving advice… Can you make a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing, ‘Friends’

"I’m sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain."

- Cassandra Clare

"It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has the same taste."

- Anonymous

"I cannot afford not to spend my time making money."

- Louis Agassiz

"Sarcasm is such an unattractive quality in anyone but me."

- Samantha Young

"Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself."

- Rita Mae Brown

"Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished."

- Leslie Nielsen

"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."

- Bill Watterson

"I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work."

- Thomas Edison

"There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?"

- Kin Hubbard

"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children."

- Sam Levenson

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible!'"

- Audrey Hepburn

"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."

- Chelsea Handler

"Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us 12 years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers."

- Eugene Bertin

"Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand."

- Homer Simpson

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

- Robin Williams

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."

- George Bernard Shaw

"I am not young enough to know everything."

- J.M. Barrie

"I’d rather be partly great than entirely useless."

- Neal Shusterman

"A crisis is a terrible thing to waste."

- Paul Romer

"Listen, smile, accept, and then do what you thought you would do anyway."

- Robert Downey Jr.

"They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning."

- Clint Eastwood

"I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it."

- Groucho Marx

"Marriage is a wonderful institution … but who wants to live in an institution?"

- Groucho Marx

"The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me."

- Ayn Rand

"Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy."

- Cynthia Nelms

"People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup."

- Dolly Parton

"Most people miss the opportunity because they dress in overalls and pretend to work."

- Thomas Edison

"My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’"

- Rose Nylund

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."

- Joan Rivers

"If anything can go wrong, it will."

- Murphy’s Laws

"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."

- Norman Wisdom

"Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours."

- Yogi Berra

"The problem with her is that she lacks both the power and the speech to communicate."

- George Bernard Shaw

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Calamities come in two types: misfortunes to us and good fortune for others."

- Ambrose Bierce

"If you’re going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."

- Billie Burke

"Women who want to be equal with men are not ambitious."

- Marilyn Monroe

"My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne."

- Tina Fey

"Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked."

- The Grinch

"The road to success is always in construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Leadership refers to the art of convincing someone else to do what you want, because he is motivated to."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"I do not know what weapons World War III is going to be fought with, but World War IV can be fought with sticks or stones."

- Albert Einstein

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes."

- William Gibson

"My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time."

- Maria Bamford

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."

- Natalie Wood

"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."

- Russell Lynes

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it."

- W. C. Fields

"Zombies eat brains. You are safe."

- Jon Stewart

"He has van Gogh’s ear for music."

- Billy Wilder

"I have a theory of relatives too. Don’t hire them."

- Jack L. Warner

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

- George Burns

"In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television."

- Erma Bombeck

"Please excuse my father. It makes him feel young and powerful to treat us like idiot children."

- Aidan Quinn

"In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families: that they are at least two-thirds incontinent."

- Robert Breault

"Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it."

- René Descartes

"Silence gets us nowhere. Sarcasm gets us there quicker."

- Government Issue

"I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here."

- Stephen Bishop

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

- Sacha Guitry

"We get married to have an ally against our family."

- Jonathan Tropper

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished."

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Marry me, and I’ll never look at another horse!"

- Groucho Marx

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

- Bob Hope

"You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there."

- George Burns

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome."

- Isaac Asimov

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

- Redd Foxx

"I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else."

- George Carlin

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.”"

- Robin Williams

"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."

- Mindy Kaling

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’"

- Steven Wright

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

- Noel Coward

"Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment."

- John Mulaney

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

- Bill Watterson

"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"

- Charlie Brown

"When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands."

- Larry David

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me."

- Garry Shandling

"People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys."

- Mike Bechtle

"People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass."

- Sophia Petrillo

"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family."

- Bo Bennett

"From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge."

- Jarod Kintz

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."

- Edgar Allan Poe

"Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?"

- Lillian Donovan

"True bonding happens when your friends and you are all mad about the same thing."

- Anonymous

"Flawsome: Adj. Individual who is open to their “flaws” and recognizes that they are amazing."

- Anonymous

"I don’t enjoy irony or sarcasm. However, I like when someone tells you a joke but then it turns out to be serious."

- Jens Lekman

"There are many parking spots that offer a tempting way to succeed on the road to success."

- Will Rogers

"Always remember that your uniqueness is what you have. Just like everyone else."

- Margaret Mead

"I’m a bit sassy with some sarcasm, but I’m also stoic at times – and brash."

- Mike Daniels

"If I had a dollar for every clever thing you said. I’ll be poor."

- Anonymous

"Always give 100%, except when you’re giving blood."

- Anonymous

"History teaches us that men, nations, and the world behave wisely when they exhaust all other options."

- Abba Eban

"A man in a relationship is not complete until he gets married. Then he’s finished."

- Zsa Zsa Botor

"Plot Twist is the best way to move forward when something goes wrong in life."

- Molly Weis

"Spend your entire life doing weird things with weird people."

- Anonymous

"I was conscious of a lot if my friends being into things that I wasn’t into. Sarcasm, for example. It was not a part my family. They still don’t use it."

- Kate Bush

"What we feel, think and are determined in large part by our viscera and ductless glands."

- Aldous Huxley

"The problem with being open-minded is that people will insist on trying to put things in their place."

- Terry Pratchett

"Let’s share, you’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin."

- Anonymous

"If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big."

- Donald Trump

"Can I have one of your puppies if you ever become a mom?"

- Charles Pierce

"I’m not old enough to know everything."

- Oscar Wilde

"All the good ones have been taken."

- Murphy’s Laws

"I look at all these moms who are able to do everything and I think… “I should have them do some of the things I need."

- Anonymous

"Computers can understand sarcasm better than Americans."

- Geoffrey Hinton

"What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor."

- Anonymous

"Find your patience before you lose mine."

- Anonymous

"There are people who will come into your life and pretend that they love you, but they really only need you."

- Uzair Lallmamod

"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

- Tom Lehrer

"I can resist all temptations except temptation."

- Anonymous

"If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you."

- Billy Wilder

"The best things in this world are free and well worth every penny."

- Murphy’s Laws

"I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life."

- Anonymous

"Be the reason someone smiles today…or the reason they drink. Anything works."

- Anonymous

"My naturally-born sarcasm can sometimes be a little too much at times, and that’s something I’m not ashamed to admit."

- Tom Bergeron

"Why is it called rush hour when there’s no movement?"

- Robin Williams

"Romance is elegantly defined as the product of fiction and love."

- Benjamin Disraeli

"Friendship can be like peeing on oneself: Everyone can see it but only you feel the warmth it brings."

- Robert Bloch

"A man can live happily with any woman if he doesn’t love them."

- Oscar Wilde

"I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don’t like?"

- Jean Cocteau

"There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation."

- Anonymous

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"Experience is the name many people give their mistakes."

- Anonymous

"Love is the triumph over intelligence over imagination."

- Murphy’s Laws

"Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."

- Robin Williams

"No matter how terrible it gets, I’m always rich in the dollar store."

- Anonymous

"Success will bring you the greatest revenge. I believe women should either respond with sarcasm, or success."

- Kangana Ranaut

"Well, at least your mom thinks you’re pretty."

- Anonymous

"It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black."

- Paul Newman

"Well-behaved females rarely make history."

- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

"I have always wanted to be somebody. But now I realize that I should be more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"The only by going a little beyond the boundaries of the possible, can you discover the limits that are possible."

- Arthur C. Clarke

"Light travels quicker than sound. This is why people seem brighter than they actually are."

- Steven Wright

"A lie can be halfway around the globe before the truth can have a chance to get its pants up."

- Winston Churchill

"When life is giving you lemons, squirt somebody in the eye."

- Cathy Guisewite

"My attitude during exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know."

- Anonymous

"I am so clever, sometimes I don’t understand a word of what I’m saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t."

- Victor Borge

"Yes, I walked out mid-conversation. You were bored to death, and my survival instincts kicked into high gear."

- Anonymous

"We suffer from too much sarcasm."

- Marianne Moore

"What is the difference between a tornado in the South and a divorce? Absolutely nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one."

- Robin Williams

"The less you can read, the more you will be able to make a living. That’s one thing about a little education. It makes you ready for the real world of work. The more you know, the more someone owes it to you."

- Will Rogers

"Never delay what you can do tomorrow!"

- Mark Twain

"You can’t have everything. It’s impossible to have everything."

- Steven Wright

"Before he created the electric light, Edison had failed 10,000 times. Don’t let failure discourage you."

- Napoleon Hill

"I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I thought you knew everything."

- Anonymous

"Common sense and sense of humor are two different things, but they move at different speeds. A sense of humor is simply common sense. It’s dancing."

- William James

"Work until your bank account looks like your phone number."

- Anonymous

"Before judging a man, walk one mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!"

- Billy Connolly

"An optimist believes this is the best possible universe. The opposite of optimists is pessimists who fear this to be true."

- Robert Oppenheimer

"Sometimes I require what only you can give: your absence."

- Ashleigh Brilliant

"Sarchotic: People don’t know if you’re serious or joking when you’re so sarcastic."

- Anonymous

"I love French sarcasm and irony. They are a great source of bad moods."

- Marjane Satrapi

"Unless you are Google, stop pretending that you know everything."

- Anonymous

"One might suspect that there are many things happening in the Universe, which he or her does not fully comprehend."

- Kurt Vonnegut

"I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"Without Geometry, Life is Pointless."

- Anonymous

"Luck can be what you have left over after you give 100 per cent."

- Langston Coleman

"Does love come from the first sight?"

- Anonymous

"I hailed from a tough neighborhood. I was once attacked by a man with a knife. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"People may say that it is impossible to do something, but I do it every day."

- Winnie The Pooh

"Bad decisions are good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"A half-truth is a lie."

- Yiddish Proverb

"Silence is gold. Duct tape can be described as silver."

- Anonymous

"I’ve reached an age where my brain can go from a ‘You Probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘What the heck, let’s just see what happens.’"

- Anonymous

"This music will not do. It lacks sarcasm."

- Samuel Goldwyn

"When people ask me a stupid question, it’s my legal obligation to make a sarcastic comment."

- Anonymous

"Sarcasm is the last refuge for the imaginatively broke."

- Cassandra Clare

"Change is not a four-letter word… but often your reaction to it is!"

- Jeffrey Gitomer

"I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess."

- Cassandra Duffy

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

- Marilyn Monroe

"Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either."

- Anonymous

"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."

- Billy Sunday

"The elevator to success is not an option. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"Sarcasm helps you overcome the harsh reality of life, makes people smile, and eases the pain of scars."

- Mahmoud Darwish

"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"What are the appropriate proportions of maxims? The minimum amount of sound and the maximum amount of sense."

- Mark Twain

"Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence."

- Ashleigh Brilliant

"If you must make a noise, make it quietly."

- Oliver Hardy

"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito."

- Betty Reese

"You’re not that lucky and I’m not that desperate!"

- Anonymous

"When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work."

"I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words."

"Sarcasm–the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it."

"Instead of 'single' as a marital status they should have 'independently owned and operated.'"

"I don't fall asleep. I overthink myself into a coma."

"If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will."

"Instead of 'have a nice day,' I think I'll start saying, 'have the day you deserve.' You know, let karma sort things out."

"My favorite party trick is not going."

"The older I get the less surprised I think I'd be if a random body part just fell off one day."

"I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong."

"Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there."

"People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it's not out of my way at all."

"So many people worry about their physical appearance and material possessions, that they completely disregard their crappy personality."

"Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!"

"Some people really suck. Avoid them."

"Sorry... to have met you."

"If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on this planet."

"Back in my day, people used to take photos with other people in them."

"My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible."

"My circle is so small, I almost cut myself off."

"There's no reason to tailgate me when I'm doing 50 in a 35. And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous."

"You're giving me the silent treatment? Finally."

"I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my key, pen, cell phone, temper, and even my mind."

"Yeah, I'm a pacifist. I'm about to pass a fist across your face."

"If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression."

"Autocorrect still thinks I want to say 'duck' 12 times a day."

"If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever."

"Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"

"If life gives you lemons, then be thankful for it. I have been getting only the peels for as long as I can remember!"

"I don't know how people can fake whole relationships. I can't even fake a hello to somebody I don't like."

"The whiskey tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel."

"I either have my hair and makeup done or look homeless. There is no in between."

"Didn't sleep much but I did get a solid few hours of worrying done."

"No, no, no. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you."

"Your fervent, misguided sense of entitlement is stunning."

"I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you."

"You suck. You should fix that."

"Sweating while you shop counts as exercise."

"My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there."

"Underestimate me. That will be fun."

"If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question."

"I love being me. It pisses off all the right people."

"When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in peoples' eyes."

"Apparently rock bottom has a basement."

"Someday, you'll go far. I hope you stay there."

"Marriage is bliss for people who aren’t in it."

"I always carry a knife in my purse. You know, in case of a cheesecake or something."

"You couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions."

"I’m not always rude and sarcastic. Sometimes I'm asleep."

"My alone time is sometimes for your safety."

"When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark."

"It’s ok if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right."

"People need to start appreciating the effort I put in to not be a serial killer."

"You were my cup of tea, but I drink champagne now."

"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."

"Oops! Did I just roll my eyes out loud?"

"I need to teach my facial expressions how to use inside their voice."

"Have some fun with your life. Call in sick to places you don't even work at."

"Tuesday is Monday's ugly sister."

"If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction."

"My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks."

"My boss told me to have a good day so I went home."

"After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF."

"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."

"I'm starting to think my purpose in life is to serve as a cautionary tale to others."

"This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door."

"I’m actually not funny, I’m just mean and people think I’m joking."

"What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful."

"There's someone for everyone and that person for you is a psychiatrist."

"I like sleeping because it’s like being dead without the commitment."

"Not a single one of my multiple personalities like you."

"If someone asks, 'Are you crazy?' Simply reply, 'Yes.' Boom. End of discussion."

"Patience: What you have when there are too many witnesses."

"I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions."

"Don't confuse a smile with someone baring teeth."

"I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

"We all know someone who speaks fluent crap."

"Be happy. It drives people crazy."

"They say ignorance is bliss but I find yours rather disturbing."

"Sometimes the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot."

"Being an adult is looking both ways before you cross the street and getting hit by an airplane."

"I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode."

"It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy."

"Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you’re abusing the privilege."

- Unknown

"You can be whatever you want; however, in your case you should probably aim low."

"Zombies eat brains. You’re safe."

"Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues."

"I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it."

"If I had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor."

"I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure out where the hell you got the idea I cared."

"No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time."

"Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face."

"Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything."

"I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today."

"People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world."

"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."

"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."

"My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist."

"Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty."

"My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues."

"I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly."

"When I ask for directions, please don't use words like 'East.'"

"Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what's on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward."

"The stuff you heard about me is a lie. I'm way worse."

"Me pretending to listen should be enough for you."

"Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day."

"I've birthed an entire baby in less time than it takes my husband to poop."

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting."

"If you’re waiting for me to give a crap, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be a while."

"Marriage. Because your crappy day doesn't have to end at work."

"Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once."

"How much better would it be if a liar's pants really did catch on fire?"

"What doesn't kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor."

"You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth."

"Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the 'send' button by 89%."

"I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I go normal from time to time."

"I don't keep secrets, I just keep people out of my business."

"Be the reason someone smiles today... Or the reason someone drinks. Whatever works."

"I don't have a welcome mat at my door because I'm not a liar."

"Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever."

"I'll get over it. I just need to be dramatic first."

"Lead me not into temptation. I know the way."

"Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing ANYTHING away EVER. I snuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord."

"Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here."

"My silence doesn't mean I agree with you. It's just that your level of ignorance has rendered me speechless."

"You're everything I want in someone I don't want anymore."

"If they act like they can live without you... Help them do it."

"Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me."

"Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog."

"Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in."

"You play the victim. I'll play the disinterested bystander."

"Never mistake my silence for weakness. Nobody plans a murder out loud."

"My neighbors listen to good music whether they like it or not."

"Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face."

"I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane."

"I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter."

"I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently 'a way out' wasn't the right answer."

"Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans."

"Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm."

"My boss said I intimidate my co-workers. I stared at him until he apologized."

"Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."

"It's amazing how clean my house can get when I'm pissed off."

"So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?"

"If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel."

"People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world."

"I haven’t even gone to bed yet, and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow."

- Unknown

"I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there, and I don’t want you showing up."

- Unknown

"Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job too."

- Unknown

"I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work."

- Unknown

"I always tell new hires, ‘Don’t think of me as your boss. Think of me as a friend who can fire you.'"

- Unknown

"There are times my greatest achievement is keeping my mouth shut."

- Unknown

"Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow."

- Unknown

"My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck."

- Unknown

"I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?"

- Unknown

"You’re not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."

- Unknown

"Please cancel my subscription to your issues."

- Unknown

"It’s OK if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste."

- Unknown

"I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you knew everything."

- Unknown

"You know what I like about people? Their dogs."

"People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it’s not out of my way at all."

- Unknown

"Keep rolling your eyes. You might just find a brain back there."

- Unknown

"If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ."

"I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you."

"I always say 'Morning' Instead of 'good morning' Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people."

"Please be patient. I am ruining things as fast as I can."

- Unknown

"Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege."

"If you think nobody cares that you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."

- Unknown

"I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you."

- Unknown

"An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough."

"Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal."

"Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job."

"My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly 'we need to talk'."

"During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever."

- Unknown

"Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense."

"If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."

"Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often."

"Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams."

"Find your patience before I lose mine."

"I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew."

"Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity."

"I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?"

"If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me."

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level."

- Unknown

"Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else."

- Unknown

"I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts."

- Unknown