George Carlin

"Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."

- George Carlin

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

- George Carlin

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam."

- George Carlin

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."

- George Carlin

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more of they get older; then it dawned on me they are cramming for their final exam."

- George Carlin

"When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat."

- George Carlin

"Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes."

- George Carlin

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State.... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

- George Carlin

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

- George Carlin

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

- George Carlin

"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."

- George Carlin

"I was arrested for possession and cultivation of marijuana in the early ’70s, and it was thrown out. The judge asked me how I felt about it, and I said, I understand the law, and I want you to know I’ll pay the fine, but I cannot guarantee I will not break this law again."

- George Carlin

"If black boxes survive air crashes, why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?"

- George Carlin

"Don’t just teach your children to read, teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything!"

- George Carlin

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

- George Carlin

"Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that."

- George Carlin

""Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.""

- George Carlin

"Meow means woof in cat."

- George Carlin

"You can take and nail two sticks together like they’ve never been nailed together before, and some fool will buy it."

- George Carlin

""I’m in shape. Round is a shape.""

- George Carlin

"If people stand in a circle long enough, they’ll eventually begin to dance."

- George Carlin

"Everyone smiles in the same language."

- George Carlin

"I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else."

- George Carlin

"I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize that I’m listening to it."

- George Carlin

"Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things."

- George Carlin

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize that I'm listening to it."

- George Carlin

"My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'"

- George Carlin

"There are nights when the wolves are silent, and only the Moon howls."

- George Carlin

""I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more of they get older; then it dawned on me they are cramming for their final exam.""

- George Carlin

"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."

- George Carlin

"Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything."

- George Carlin

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

- George Carlin

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

- George Carlin

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

- George Carlin

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

- George Carlin

"What wine goes with Captain Crunch?"

- George Carlin

"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."

- George Carlin

"If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked."

- George Carlin

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

- George Carlin

"Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?"

- George Carlin

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

- George Carlin

"The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend."

- George Carlin