"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
- Rita Rudner
Love
"Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning."
- H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Love
"If you’re going through hell, keep going."
- Winston Churchill
Resilience
"You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great."
- Zig Ziglar
New Beginnings
"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'"
- Sydney J. Harris
Awareness
"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
- Mark Twain
Awareness
"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is."
- RuPaul
Joy
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are."
- Will Ferrell
Love
"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."
- Barack Obama
Love
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher."
- Socrates
Love
"We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working."
- Justin Timberlake
Relationships
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."
- Lucille Ball
Contentment
"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."
- Ellen DeGeneres
Ambition
"Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery."
- Erma Bombeck
Relationships
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
- Phyllis Diller
Family
"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board."
- Betty White
Connection to Earth
"Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you."
- Chip Gaines
Love
"My wife didn't take my name, which isn't weird, but what's weird is when people think it's weird, like we're on a first-name basis anyway."
- Mark Agee
Relationships
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."
- Thomas A. Edison
Perseverance
"The road to success is always under construction."
- Lily Tomlin
Success
"You must do the things you think you cannot do."
- ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
Courage
"Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that."
- George Carlin
Motivation
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar."
- Drew Carey
Happiness
"If you really want to do something, you will find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse."
- Jim Rohn
Motivation
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
- Vince Lombardi
Well-being
"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood."
- Bill Murray
Motivation
"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."
- Katharine Whitehorn
Goals
"Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there."
- Josh Billings
Determination
"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."
- Tina Fey
Self-confidence
"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."
- Oscar Wilde
Forgiveness
"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!"
- Marvin Phillips
Motivation
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
- Douglas Adams
Time Management
"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it."
- Theodore Roosevelt
Motivation
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
- Ferris Bueller
Change
"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."
- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Joy
"Why, sometimes I’ve believed six impossible things before breakfast."
- Alice in Wonderland
Imagination
"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."
- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Joy
"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."
- Winston Churchill
Failure
"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."
- Forrest Gump
Wisdom
"Well, nobody’s perfect."
- Some Like It Hot
Contentment
"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."
- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s Van Wilder
Awareness
"Just keep swimming."
- Finding Nemo
Perseverance
"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."
- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Happiness
"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."
- Judith Martin
Compassion
"Today is a good day to try."
- The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Motivation
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."
- Ron White
Joy
"I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat."
- Mindy Kaling
Relationships
"Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube."
- Joan Rivers
Happiness
"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Family
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."
- Henry Kissinger
Motivation
"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
- Phyllis Diller
Happiness
"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."
- Groucho Marx
Motivation
"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don’t turn up at all."
- Sam Ewing
Motivation
"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment."
- Robert Benchley
Awareness
"Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday."
- Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Joy
"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."
- Ellen DeGeneres
Self-awareness
"The best revenge is massive success."
- Frank Sinatra
Success
"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself."
- Ethel Barrymore
Personal Growth
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
- Benjamin Franklin
Learning from Mistakes
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
- Will Rogers
Goals
"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito."
- Dalai Lama
Empowerment
"Some people dream of success, while other people get up every morning and make it happen."
- Wayne Huizenga
Success
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs... one step at a time."
- Joe Girard
Success
"Practice isn’t the thing you do once you’re good. It’s the thing you do that makes you good."
- Malcolm Gladwell
Hard Work
"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."
- Reba McEntire
Motivation
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
- Mae West
Contentment
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
Creativity
"I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love."
- Jim Carrey
Courage
"You will find the key to success under the alarm clock."
- Benjamin Franklin
Aspirations
"Your most important work is always ahead of you, never behind you."
- Stephen Covey
Motivation
"There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do."
- Amy Poehler
Boldness
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
- Lily Tomlin
Self-awareness
"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
- Dolly Parton
Optimism
"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily."
- Zig Ziglar
Motivation
"It ain’t over til it’s over."
- Yogi Berra
Perseverance
"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
- Oscar Wilde
Awareness
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."
- Thomas Edison
Hard Work
"Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path."
- Ellen DeGeneres
Nature
"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."
- Margaret Thatcher
Leadership
"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."
- Edna Buchanan
Relationships
"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
- Chandler Bing
Happiness
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
- Winnie the Pooh
Positivity
"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."
- Mark Twain
Well-being
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
- Robert Downey Jr.
Choice
"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."
- Stephen Hawking
Awareness
"Criticism is the best sign you’re onto something."
- Michael Lopp
Resilience
"When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."
- Ron White
Happiness
"You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club."
- Jack London
Creativity
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
- Bill Murray
Motivation
"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open."
- Frank Zappa
Awareness
"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Relationships
"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."
- George Carlin
Fitness
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
- Phyllis Diller
Happiness
"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."
- Bill Gates
Well-being
"It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned."
- Ellen DeGeneres
Aspirations
"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."
- Robert Benchley
Well-being
"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
- W.C. Fields
Well-being
"When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you."
- Walter Payton
Well-being
"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
- George Carlin
Self-awareness
"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."
- Mark Twain
Well-being
"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."
- Mae West
Balance
"People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass."
- Sophia Petrillo
Well-being
"Trying is the first step toward failure."
- Homer Simpson
Failure
"You have to stay in school. You have to. You have to go to college. You have to get your degree. Because that’s the one thing people can’t take away from you is your education. And it is worth the investment."
- Michelle Obama
Education
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
- Charles M. Schulz
Love
"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."
- Charles Schulz
Optimism
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
- George Carlin
Well-being
"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."
- Mark Twain
Awareness
"If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything."
- Marty Mcfly from Back to the Future
Belief in Self
"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
- Oscar Wilde
Well-being
"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."
- Robert Frost
Hard Work
"Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping."
- Bo Derek
Happiness
"Instant gratification takes too long."
- Carrie Fisher
Contentment
"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."
- Steve Maraboli
Motivation
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
- Elbert Hubbard
Happiness
"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."
- Dave Barry
Happiness
"I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Awareness
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
- Jack Handey
Compassion
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
- Douglas Adams
Well-being
"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits."
- Albert Einstein
Insight
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"
- Edward Bergen
Hard Work
"Don’t be so humble — you are not that great."
- Golda Meir
Self-esteem
"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."
- Robert Orben
Well-being
"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."
- Claude MacDonald
Hard Work
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."
- James Branch Cabell
Philosophy
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
Love
"It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office."
- Shirley MacLaine
Relationships
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."
- Rodney Dangerfield
Family
"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."
- Elvis Presley
Self-awareness
"Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow."
- Anthony J. D’Angelo
Learning
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."
- Oscar Wilde
Wisdom
"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book."
- Groucho Marx
Education
"Even a stopped clock is right twice every day."
- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
Wisdom
"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."
- Tom Lehrer
Reflection
"I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms."
- Michael Scott
Balance
"Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat."
- Harry Emerson Fosdick
Compassion
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."
- Phyllis Diller
Family
"Bad decisions make good stories."
- Ellis Vidler
Reflection
"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."
- Graham Norton
Awareness
"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper."
- Quentin Crisp
Well-being
"My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time."
- Maria Bamford
Well-being
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes."
- William Gibson
Well-being
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."
- Rodney Dangerfield
Well-being
"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."
- Edgar Allan Poe
Well-being
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."
- Philip K. Dick
Well-being
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
- Noel Coward
Nature
"It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment."
- John Mulaney
Nature
"My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne."
- Tina Fey
Well-being
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
- Bill Watterson
Well-being
"Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked."
- The Grinch
Well-being
"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"
- Charlie Brown
Well-being
"When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands."
- Larry David
Well-being
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."
- Luis Buñuel
Aspirations
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
- Steve Martin
Nature
"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
- Lily Tomlin
Well-being
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
- Drew Carey
Happiness
"Big pay and little responsibility are circumstances seldom found together."
- Napoleon Hill
Philosophy
"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family."
- Bo Bennett
Well-being
"People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys."
- Mike Bechtle
Well-being
"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Philosophy
"Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?"
- Lillian Donovan
Well-being
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me."
- Garry Shandling
Well-being
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."
- James Branch Cabell
Well-being
"Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.”"
- Robin Williams
Philosophy
"Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Well-being
"An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."
- Michael Scott
Well-being
"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."
- Rita Mae Brown
Well-being
"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."
- John Gotti
Well-being
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
- Douglas Adams
Well-being
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
- Lucille Ball
Aspirations
"Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished."
- Leslie Nielsen
Well-being
"I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues."
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Well-being
"It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."
- Muhammad Ali
Well-being
"It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work."
- William Faulkner
Well-being
"If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’"
- Dave Barry
Well-being
"No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early."
- Groucho Marx
Awareness
"I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else."
- George Carlin
Aspirations
"My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’"
- Rose Nylund
Aspirations
"Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours."
- Yogi Berra
Relationships
"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas."
- Paula Poundstone
Well-being
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
- Redd Foxx
Health
"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."
- Norman Wisdom
Aspirations
"I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."
- Ouiser Boudreaux
Well-being
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome."
- Isaac Asimov
Philosophy
"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."
- Robert Frost
Hard Work
"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."
- Jimmy Kimmel
Well-being
"You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."
- Joan Rivers
Aspirations
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
- Charles Lamb
Well-being
"I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
- Jerome K. Jerome
Well-being
"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’"
- Don Marquis
Well-being
"By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me."
- Miranda Priestly
Well-being
"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young."
- Theodore Roosevelt
Aspirations
"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board."
- Betty White
Aspirations
"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."
- Katharine Hepburn
Adversity
"You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there."
- George Burns
Aspirations
"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."
- Don Herold
Time Management
"If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it."
- George Burns
Well-being
"Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’"
- Steven Wright
Insight
"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."
- Mindy Kaling
Nature
"When in doubt, look intelligent."
- Garrison Keillor
Well-being
"You want to get out of the hole? First you’re going to have to put down the shovel."
Motivation
"If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."
Failure