Witty Inspirational Quotes to Brighten Your Day and Spark Motivation

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher."

- Socrates

"We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working."

- Justin Timberlake

"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning."

- H. Jackson Brown Jr.

"You must do the things you think you cannot do."

- ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

"Today is a good day to try."

- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

"If you really want to do something, you will find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse."

- Jim Rohn

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that."

- George Carlin

"I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat."

- Mindy Kaling

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery."

- Erma Bombeck

"My wife didn't take my name, which isn't weird, but what's weird is when people think it's weird, like we're on a first-name basis anyway."

- Mark Agee

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you."

- Chip Gaines

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great."

- Zig Ziglar

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

- Ferris Bueller

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"Why, sometimes I’ve believed six impossible things before breakfast."

- Alice in Wonderland

"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."

- Katharine Whitehorn

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

- Oscar Wilde

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."

- Forrest Gump

"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"Well, nobody’s perfect."

- Some Like It Hot

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

- Thomas A. Edison

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!"

- Marvin Phillips

"Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube."

- Joan Rivers

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."

- Winston Churchill

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'"

- Sydney J. Harris

"Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there."

- Josh Billings

"If you’re going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

- Mark Twain

"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is."

- RuPaul

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don’t turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

- Henry Kissinger

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"It ain’t over til it’s over."

- Yogi Berra

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

- Thomas Edison

"Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday."

- Planes, Trains and Automobiles

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"Practice isn’t the thing you do once you’re good. It’s the thing you do that makes you good."

- Malcolm Gladwell

"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs... one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"Some people dream of success, while other people get up every morning and make it happen."

- Wayne Huizenga

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."

- Will Rogers

"I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love."

- Jim Carrey

"You will find the key to success under the alarm clock."

- Benjamin Franklin

"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

- Benjamin Franklin

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself."

- Ethel Barrymore

"Your most important work is always ahead of you, never behind you."

- Stephen Covey

"There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do."

- Amy Poehler

"The best revenge is massive success."

- Frank Sinatra

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

- Dolly Parton

"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open."

- Frank Zappa

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club."

- Jack London

"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."

- Robert Downey Jr.

"Criticism is the best sign you’re onto something."

- Michael Lopp

"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."

- Phyllis Diller

"Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."

- Margaret Thatcher

"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."

- George Carlin

"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"Instant gratification takes too long."

- Carrie Fisher

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

- Mark Twain

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

- George Carlin

"People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass."

- Sophia Petrillo

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping."

- Bo Derek

"I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you."

- Walter Payton

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

- W.C. Fields

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"Don’t be so humble — you are not that great."

- Golda Meir

"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits."

- Albert Einstein

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

- Douglas Adams

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

- George Carlin

"Trying is the first step toward failure."

- Homer Simpson

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"You have to stay in school. You have to. You have to go to college. You have to get your degree. Because that’s the one thing people can’t take away from you is your education. And it is worth the investment."

- Michelle Obama

"If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything."

- Marty Mcfly from Back to the Future

"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

- Tom Lehrer

"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office."

- Shirley MacLaine

"Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow."

- Anthony J. D’Angelo

"Even a stopped clock is right twice every day."

- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."

- Oscar Wilde

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

- Phyllis Diller

"Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat."

- Harry Emerson Fosdick

"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book."

- Groucho Marx

"I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."

- Joan Rivers

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome."

- Isaac Asimov

"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."

- Norman Wisdom

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

- Redd Foxx

"Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours."

- Yogi Berra

"I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else."

- George Carlin

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

- Charles Lamb

"Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.”"

- Robin Williams

"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."

- Mindy Kaling

"Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’"

- Steven Wright

"If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it."

- George Burns

"I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

- Jerome K. Jerome

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’"

- Don Marquis

"When in doubt, look intelligent."

- Garrison Keillor

"By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me."

- Miranda Priestly

"Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

"An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."

- Michael Scott

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

- Rita Mae Brown

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

- Douglas Adams

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished."

- Leslie Nielsen

"I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

- Muhammad Ali

"It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work."

- William Faulkner

"If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’"

- Dave Barry

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me."

- Garry Shandling

"People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys."

- Mike Bechtle

"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family."

- Bo Bennett

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."

- Edgar Allan Poe

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes."

- William Gibson

"My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time."

- Maria Bamford

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?"

- Lillian Donovan

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper."

- Quentin Crisp

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."

- Philip K. Dick

"No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands."

- Larry David

"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"

- Charlie Brown

"Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked."

- The Grinch

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

- Bill Watterson

"My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne."

- Tina Fey

"It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment."

- John Mulaney

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

- Noel Coward

"Bad decisions make good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"Big pay and little responsibility are circumstances seldom found together."

- Napoleon Hill

"I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

- Ouiser Boudreaux

"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

- Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."

- Jimmy Kimmel

"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas."

- Paula Poundstone

"My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’"

- Rose Nylund

"You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there."

- George Burns

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"You want to get out of the hole? First you’re going to have to put down the shovel."

"If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."