Hilarious and Uplifting: The Ultimate Collection of Short Funny Inspirational Quotes

"I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

- Robin Williams

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."

- Will Rogers

"Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"Live each day like it's your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night."

- Jason Love

"Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes."

- Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."

- Franklin P. Jones

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

- Thomas Edison

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

- Ferris Bueller

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says "I'm possible!""

- Audrey Hepburn

"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."

- Robert Bloch

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

- Marilyn Monroe

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

- Terry Pratchett

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes."

- Jack Handy

"I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are."

- Damien Fahey

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream."

- Conan O’Brien

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"I’m not superstitious … but I am a little stitious."

- Michael Scott

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

- George Carlin

"I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde."

- Dolly Parton

"The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him."

- Oscar Wilde

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

- Joan Rivers

"I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later."

- Mitch Hedberg

"Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping."

- Bo Derek

"Don’t be so humble — you're not that great."

- Golda Meir

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

- Robin Williams

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

- Mark Twain

"Well-behaved women seldom make history."

- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

- Benjamin Franklin

"When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."

- Nora Ephron

"Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha."

- Robert Brault

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

- George Burns

"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."

- P. J. O’Rourke

"I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out."

- Erma Bombeck

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"

- Steven Wright

"Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is!"

- Jeffrey Gitomer

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"Bad decisions make good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."

- Cathy Guisewite

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

- Isaac Asimov

"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

- Oscar Wilde

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look."

- Halley Reed

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last."

- Willy Wonka

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."

- Mitch Hedberg

"Today is a good day to try."

- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

"I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet."

- Carrie Bradshaw

"To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs."

- Wanda

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it."

- Shirley MacLaine

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."

- Forrest Gump

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes."

- P.J. O’Rourke

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

- George Carlin

"Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube."

- Joan Rivers

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."

- George Bernard Shaw

"It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office."

- Shirley MacLaine

"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!"

- Marvin Phillips

"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

- George Carlin

"I’d love to stand here and talk with you ... but I’m not going to."

- Phil Connors

"I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending."

- Jack Whitehall

"You can kid the world, but not your sister."

- Charlotte Gray

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!"

- C.S. Lewis

"If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor."

- Joan Rivers

"Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?"

- Jay Leno

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that."

- George Carlin

"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."

- Katharine Whitehorn

"Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there."

- Josh Billings

"Why, sometimes I’ve believed six impossible things before breakfast."

- Alice in Wonderland

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

- Mark Twain

"We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third."

- Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life."

- Andy Dwyer, Parks and Recreation

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

- Oprah Winfrey

"When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'"

- Groucho Marx

"Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas."

- Paula Poundstone

"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."

- Ogden Nash

"I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat."

- Mindy Kaling

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."

- Oprah Winfrey

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Instant gratification takes too long."

- Carrie Fisher

"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is."

- RuPaul

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today."

- Will Rogers

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"If you’re going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad."

- Arnold H. Glasgow

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

- Mae West

"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."

- Linda Grayson

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery."

- Erma Bombeck

"A true friend is someone that thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."

- Bernard Meltzer

"You can always tell a real friend: When you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job."

- Laurence J. Peter

"Marriage: a friendship recognized by the police."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."

- Richard Jeni

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

- Lily Tomlin

"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."

- Blaise Pascal

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."

- Dodgeball

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

- Erich Segal

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher."

- Socrates

"Just ’cause some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn’t make her your soulmate."

- 500 Days of Summer

"Well, nobody’s perfect."

- Some Like It Hot

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning."

- H. Jackson Brown Jr.

"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."

- Fran Lebowitz

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems."

- Homer Simpson

"Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I’ll find it along the way."

- Michael Scott

"I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels. Which is why I finally understand war."

- Jeff Winger, Community

"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"I’m a bit of a sucker for second chances. They’re my first favorite kind of chance."

- Jessica Day, New Girl

"What am I scared of? I’m scared of the same thing that you are: everything."

- George Costanza

"Here’s some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it’s Shark Week."

- Tracy Jordan

"I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning."

- George Costanza, Seinfeld

"Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos."

- Stanley Hudson

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don’t turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'"

- Sydney J. Harris

"'Best friend' isn’t a person—it’s a tier."

- Mindy Kaling

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

- Henry Kissinger

"I don’t make the rules, ma’am. I just think them up and write them down."

- Eric Cartman

"Why can’t parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?"

- Rachel Green

"Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die. Come watch TV."

- Morty

"Your soul is like your appendix—I don’t even use it!"

- Michael Kelso

"Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews!"

- Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants

"Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday."

- Planes, Trains and Automobiles

"Trying is the first step toward failure."

- Homer Simpson

"A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction."

- Justin Sewell

"It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others."

- Ashleigh Brilliant

"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."

- Billie Burke

"I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me."

- Ayn Rand

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits."

- William Somerset Maugham

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

- Sylvia Plath

"No thank you, I prefer to get high on life."

- Millie Kentner

"Fate is just what you call it when you don’t know the name of the person screwing you over."

- Lois, Malcolm in the Middle

"All life ends in death, which we, as a species, are cursed with knowing. Resulting in … something. Again, this is really not my field."

- Ian Duncan

"I can resist all temptations except temptation."

- Anonymous

"If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you."

- Billy Wilder

"Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy."

- Cynthia Nelms

"The best things in this world are free and well worth every penny."

- Murphy’s Laws

"I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life."

- Anonymous

"Be the reason someone smiles today…or the reason they drink. Anything works."

- Anonymous

"My naturally-born sarcasm can sometimes be a little too much at times, and that’s something I’m not ashamed to admit."

- Tom Bergeron

"Why is it called rush hour when there’s no movement?"

- Robin Williams

"Love is the triumph over intelligence over imagination."

- Murphy’s Laws

"Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."

- Robin Williams

"No matter how terrible it gets, I’m always rich in the dollar store."

- Anonymous

"Success will bring you the greatest revenge. I believe women should either respond with sarcasm, or success."

- Kangana Ranaut

"Well, at least your mom thinks you’re pretty."

- Anonymous

"It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black."

- Paul Newman

"Well-behaved females rarely make history."

- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

"I have always wanted to be somebody. But now I realize that I should be more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"The only by going a little beyond the boundaries of the possible, can you discover the limits that are possible."

- Arthur C. Clarke

"Light travels quicker than sound. This is why people seem brighter than they actually are."

- Steven Wright

"When life is giving you lemons, squirt somebody in the eye."

- Cathy Guisewite

"My attitude during exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know."

- Anonymous

"I am so clever, sometimes I don’t understand a word of what I’m saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t."

- Victor Borge

"Yes, I walked out mid-conversation. You were bored to death, and my survival instincts kicked into high gear."

- Anonymous

"We suffer from too much sarcasm."

- Marianne Moore

"What is the difference between a tornado in the South and a divorce? Absolutely nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one."

- Robin Williams

"The less you can read, the more you will be able to make a living. That’s one thing about a little education. It makes you ready for the real world of work. The more you know, the more someone owes it to you."

- Will Rogers

"Never delay what you can do tomorrow!"

- Mark Twain

"You can’t have everything. It’s impossible to have everything."

- Steven Wright

"Before he created the electric light, Edison had failed 10,000 times. Don’t let failure discourage you."

- Napoleon Hill

"I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I thought you knew everything."

- Anonymous

"Common sense and sense of humor are two different things, but they move at different speeds. A sense of humor is simply common sense. It’s dancing."

- William James

"Work until your bank account looks like your phone number."

- Anonymous

"Before judging a man, walk one mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!"

- Billy Connolly

"An optimist believes this is the best possible universe. The opposite of optimists is pessimists who fear this to be true."

- Robert Oppenheimer

"Sometimes I require what only you can give: your absence."

- Ashleigh Brilliant

"Sarchotic: People don’t know if you’re serious or joking when you’re so sarcastic."

- Anonymous

"I love French sarcasm and irony. They are a great source of bad moods."

- Marjane Satrapi

"Unless you are Google, stop pretending that you know everything."

- Anonymous

"One might suspect that there are many things happening in the Universe, which he or her does not fully comprehend."

- Kurt Vonnegut

"Without Geometry, Life is Pointless."

- Anonymous

"Luck can be what you have left over after you give 100 per cent."

- Langston Coleman

"Does love come from the first sight?"

- Anonymous

"I hailed from a tough neighborhood. I was once attacked by a man with a knife. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"People may say that it is impossible to do something, but I do it every day."

- Winnie The Pooh

"Bad decisions are good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"A half-truth is a lie."

- Yiddish Proverb

"Silence is gold. Duct tape can be described as silver."

- Anonymous

"I’ve reached an age where my brain can go from a ‘You Probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘What the heck, let’s just see what happens.’"

- Anonymous

"This music will not do. It lacks sarcasm."

- Samuel Goldwyn

"When people ask me a stupid question, it’s my legal obligation to make a sarcastic comment."

- Anonymous

"Sarcasm is the last refuge for the imaginatively broke."

- Cassandra Clare

"Change is not a four-letter word… but often your reaction to it is!"

- Jeffrey Gitomer

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

- Marilyn Monroe

"Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either."

- Anonymous

"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."

- Billy Sunday

"The elevator to success is not an option. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"Sarcasm helps you overcome the harsh reality of life, makes people smile, and eases the pain of scars."

- Mahmoud Darwish

"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"What are the appropriate proportions of maxims? The minimum amount of sound and the maximum amount of sense."

- Mark Twain

"Every man dies. Not every man lives."

- William Wallace

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage."

- Anaïs Nin

"Nothing is impossible. The word itself says “I’m possible!”"

- Audrey Hepburn

"A lie can be halfway around the globe before the truth can have a chance to get its pants up."

- Winston Churchill

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working."

- Justin Timberlake

"Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you."

- Chip Gaines

"My wife didn't take my name, which isn't weird, but what's weird is when people think it's weird, like we're on a first-name basis anyway."

- Mark Agee

"Keep calm and carry a wand."

- A.W. Jantha

"You’re not even old enough to know how bad life gets."

- The Virgin Suicides

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

- Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal."

- Elizabeth Taylor

"Friendship is like money—easier made than kept."

- Samuel Butler

"It’s important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to the friendship that we are not."

- Mignon McLaughlin

"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."

- Richard Lewis

"You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

- Henry Youngman

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess."

- Lemony Snicket

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

- Jules Renard

"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."

- Carroll Bryant

"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

- Tom Lehrer

"I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess."

- Cassandra Duffy

"Romance is elegantly defined as the product of fiction and love."

- Benjamin Disraeli

"Friendship can be like peeing on oneself: Everyone can see it but only you feel the warmth it brings."

- Robert Bloch

"A man can live happily with any woman if he doesn’t love them."

- Oscar Wilde

"I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don’t like?"

- Jean Cocteau

"There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation."

- Anonymous

"Experience is the name many people give their mistakes."

- Anonymous

"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."

- Russell Lynes

"I don’t eat meat because I love animals. I eat vegetables because I hate plants."

- Whitney Brown

"Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid."

- John Wayne

"True bonding happens when your friends and you are all mad about the same thing."

- Anonymous

"Education is what one does after he has forgotten everything he learned at school."

- Albert Einstein

"It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has the same taste."

- Anonymous

"Flawsome: Adj. Individual who is open to their “flaws” and recognizes that they are amazing."

- Anonymous

"I don’t enjoy irony or sarcasm. However, I like when someone tells you a joke but then it turns out to be serious."

- Jens Lekman

"Marriage is a romantic relationship in which the heroine dies within the first chapter."

- Cecilia Egan

"Some cause happiness everywhere they go, others wherever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

"Success is not something you can hide. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?"

- Kin Hubbard

"The problem with her is that she lacks both the power and the speech to communicate."

- George Bernard Shaw

"A diamond is simply a lump of coal that performed well under pressure."

- Anonymous

"Calamities come in two types: misfortunes to us and good fortune for others."

- Ambrose Bierce

"There are many parking spots that offer a tempting way to succeed on the road to success."

- Will Rogers

"Women who want to be equal with men are not ambitious."

- Marilyn Monroe

"Always remember that your uniqueness is what you have. Just like everyone else."

- Margaret Mead

"I do not know what weapons World War III is going to be fought with, but World War IV can be fought with sticks or stones."

- Albert Einstein

"Life is too short. Smile while you have teeth."

- Anonymous

"I’m a bit sassy with some sarcasm, but I’m also stoic at times – and brash."

- Mike Daniels

"I’m not good at giving advice… Can you make a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing, ‘Friends’

"If I had a dollar for every clever thing you said. I’ll be poor."

- Anonymous

"Always give 100%, except when you’re giving blood."

- Anonymous

"Listen, smile, accept, and then do what you thought you would do anyway."

- Robert Downey Jr.

"History teaches us that men, nations, and the world behave wisely when they exhaust all other options."

- Abba Eban

"A man in a relationship is not complete until he gets married. Then he’s finished."

- Zsa Zsa Botor

"Most people miss the opportunity because they dress in overalls and pretend to work."

- Thomas Edison

"Plot Twist is the best way to move forward when something goes wrong in life."

- Molly Weis

"Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures.'"

- Robin Williams

"If anything can go wrong, it will."

- Murphy’s Laws

"Spend your entire life doing weird things with weird people."

- Anonymous

"I was conscious of a lot if my friends being into things that I wasn’t into. Sarcasm, for example. It was not a part my family. They still don’t use it."

- Kate Bush

"The problem with being open-minded is that people will insist on trying to put things in their place."

- Terry Pratchett

"Let’s share, you’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin."

- Anonymous

"If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big."

- Donald Trump

"Can I have one of your puppies if you ever become a mom?"

- Charles Pierce

"The road to success is always in construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Leadership refers to the art of convincing someone else to do what you want, because he is motivated to."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"I’m not old enough to know everything."

- Oscar Wilde

"All the good ones have been taken."

- Murphy’s Laws

"I look at all these moms who are able to do everything and I think… I should have them do some of the things I need."

- Anonymous

"Computers can understand sarcasm better than Americans."

- Geoffrey Hinton

"What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor."

- Anonymous

"Find your patience before you lose mine."

- Anonymous

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible!'"

- Audrey Hepburn

"There are people who will come into your life and pretend that they love you, but they really only need you."

- Uzair Lallmamod

"In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different."

- Coco Chanel

"What sets you apart can sometimes feel like a burden and it's not. And a lot of the time, it's what makes you great."

- Emma Stone

"Whatever you are, be a good one."

- Abraham Lincoln

"When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go."

- Carol Burnett

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

- Margaret Mead

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine, and shadows will fall behind you."

- Walt Whitman

"There is nothing impossible to they who will try."

- Alexander the Great

"When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water."

"Think like a proton. Always positive."

"Be happy – it drives people crazy."

"A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure."

"Here’s the deal, when life gives you lemons, just say f-ck the lemons and bail."

"The best things in life are actually really expensive."

"Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet."

"Every tattoo is temporary, because we’re all slowly dying."

"Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them."

"If the world didn't suck we'd all fly into space."

"The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts."

"Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else."

"If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me."

"Zombies eat brains. You’re safe."

"I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words."

"The greatest glory in living lies not in falling, but in rising every time we fall."

"Life has got all those twists and turns."

"Nothing is impossible."

"The bad news is time flies."