Laugh and Be Inspired: A Collection of Funny Quotes to Brighten Your Day

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it."

- Robin Williams

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."

- George Carlin

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that."

- George Carlin

"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself."

- Ethel Barrymore

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

- Oprah Winfrey

"When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'"

- Groucho Marx

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

- Douglas Adams

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

- Ferris Bueller

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

- George Carlin

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."

- Oprah Winfrey

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."

- Linda Grayson

"Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube."

- Joan Rivers

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

- Charles Lamb

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper."

- Quentin Crisp

"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!”"

- C.S. Lewis

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life."

- Mark Twain

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great."

- Zig Ziglar

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."

- Katharine Whitehorn

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."

- Richard Jeni

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

- Thomas Edison

"Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up."

- Ann Bradford

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

"Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears."

- Les Brown

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."

- Mark Twain

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me."

- Ayn Rand

"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."

- Bryan White

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."

- Forrest Gump

"If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’"

- Dave Barry

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

- W.C. Fields

"Trying is the first step toward failure."

- Homer Simpson

"It ain’t over til it’s over."

- Yogi Berra

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there."

- Josh Billings

"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!"

- Marvin Phillips

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"Why, sometimes I’ve believed six impossible things before breakfast."

- Alice in Wonderland

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'"

- Sydney J. Harris

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

- Mark Twain

"Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad."

- Arnold H. Glasgow

"A true friend is someone that thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."

- Bernard Meltzer

"Marriage: a friendship recognized by the police."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."

- Richard Lewis

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

- Lily Tomlin

"Your most important work is always ahead of you, never behind you."

- Stephen Covey

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs... one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits."

- Albert Einstein

"The best revenge is massive success."

- Frank Sinatra

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

- Dolly Parton

"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."

- Phyllis Diller

"Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

- Ouiser Boudreaux

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping."

- Bo Derek

"I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around."

- Homer Simpson

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

- Maya Angelou

"Create the highest, grandest vision possible for your life because you become what you believe."

- Oprah Winfrey

"Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value."

- Albert Einstein

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."

- Helen Keller

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing, that’s why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."

- Jimmy Kimmel

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’"

- Don Marquis

"An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."

- Michael Scott

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine."

- Lord Byron

"Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door."

- Kyle Chandler

"Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing."

- William James

"Well-behaved women seldom make history."

- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

"Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you."

- Jeffree Star

"Life isn’t finding shelter in the storm. It’s about learning to dance in the rain."

- Sherrilyn Kenyon

"Never follow anyone else’s path, unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don’t turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

"‘Best friend’ isn’t a person—it’s a tier."

- Mindy Kaling

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

- Phyllis Diller

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."

- Philip K. Dick

"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."

- Fran Lebowitz

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

- Sylvia Plath

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous."

- Robert Benchley

"By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me."

- Miranda Priestly

"You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

- Henry Youngman

"Oh, yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it or learn from it."

- Rafiki

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it."

- George Burns

"When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you."

- Walter Payton

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

- Mae West

"It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

"Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"

- J. Paul Getty

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

- Douglas Adams

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you’ll be criticized anyway."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

"I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work."

- William Faulkner

"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book."

- Groucho Marx

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Be happy, it drives people crazy."

- Paulo Coelho

"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

- Benjamin Franklin

"Aspire to inspire before we expire."

- Eugene Bell Jr.

"Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?"

- Steve Jobs

"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."

- Margaret Thatcher

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"Working hard is important. But there is something that matters more, believing yourself."

- Harry Potter

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

- Mark Twain

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

- Henry Kissinger

"I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?"

- Kin Hubbard

"You can always tell a real friend: When you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job."

- Laurence J. Peter

"Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, ‘I’m not going to make it’, but you laugh inside remembering all the times you’ve felt that way."

- Charles Bukowski

"Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not."

- Vaclav Havel

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."

- Will Rogers

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

- Rita Mae Brown

"When life brings big winds of change that almost blow you over, close your eyes, hang on tight, and believe."

- Lisa Lieberman-Wang

"Don’t be so humble — you are not that great."

- Golda Meir

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

- George Carlin

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

- Napoleon Bonaparte

"Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things."

- TS Eliot

"A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright."

- Lucille Ball

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

- Henry David Thoreau

"Don’t let schooling interfere with your education."

- Mark Twain

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."

- Oscar Wilde

"It is very rare or almost impossible that an event can be negative from all points of view."

- Dalai Lama

"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs…one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"Do or do not. There is no try."

- Yoda

"People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys."

- Mike Bechtle

"Friendship is like money—easier made than kept."

- Samuel Butler

"You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal."

- Elizabeth Taylor

"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."

- Robert Downey Jr.

"The world of the future is in our making. Tomorrow is now."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

- George Burns

"Criticism is the best sign you’re onto something."

- Michael Lopp

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

- Elbert Hubbard

"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

- Tom Lehrer

"Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there."

- Will Rogers

"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open."

- Frank Zappa

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

- Marilyn Monroe

"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"

- Steven Wright

"When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best — that is inspiration."

- Robert Bresson

"A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open."

- Frank Zappa

"Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could."

- Charles J. Sykes

"Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes."

- Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."

- Steven Wright

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?"

- Albert Einstein

"In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later."

- Harold Geneen

"Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious."

- Og Mandino

"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."

- Carroll Bryant

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

- Erich Segal

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

- Jules Renard

"I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do."

- Amy Poehler

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?"

- Captain Jack Sparrow

"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."

- Blaise Pascal

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office."

- Shirley MacLaine

"Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’"

- Steven Wright

"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"

- Charlie Brown

"People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass."

- Sophia Petrillo

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night."

- Jason Love

"Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it."

- Merida

"People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing."

- Will Rogers

"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."

- Billie Burke

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’"

- Rose Nylund

"A peacock that rests on his tail feathers is just another turkey."

- Dolly Parton

"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"I cannot afford to waste my time making money."

- Louis Agassiz

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."

- Franklin P. Jones

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas."

- Paula Poundstone

"It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

- Muhammad Ali

"It’s important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to the friendship that we are not."

- Mignon McLaughlin

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."

- Robert Frost

"The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse."

- Denise Miller

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers."

- Homer Simpson

"Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."

- Pablo Picasso

"The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind."

- Joseph Stilwell

"Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it."

- Andrew Young

"There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."

- David Letterman

"There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job."

- Peter Drucker

"Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties."

- Doug Larson

"Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it half-assed. That’s the American way."

- Homer Simpson

"If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some."

- Benjamin Franklin

"Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

- George Burns

"If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style."

- Quentin Crisp

"Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment."

- Dilbert

"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes."

- Lewis Grizzard

"All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind."

- Aristotle

"Beware of any enterprise requiring new clothes."

- Henry Thoreau

"Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train."

- The Office

"Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful."

- Benjamin Disraeli

"You never become a howling success by just howling."

- Bob Harrington

"Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure."

- Joseph Heller

"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake."

- Savielly Tartakower

"Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure."

- Earl Wilson

"Make sure you have a vice president in charge of your revolution, to engender ferment among your more conventional colleagues."

- David Ogilvy

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important."

- Bertrand Russell

"I will always choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative."

- Woody Allen

"I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail."

- Abraham Maslow

"The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour."

- Wernher von Braun

"We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits."

- William Somerset Maugham

"Today is a good day to try."

- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."

- Dodgeball

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

"When in doubt, look intelligent."

- Garrison Keillor

"Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished."

- Leslie Nielsen

"Well, nobody’s perfect."

- Some Like It Hot

"Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished— If you’re alive it isn’t."

- Richard Bach

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."

- Andy Rooney

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

- Bill Watterson

"Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one."

- Terry Pratchett

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

- Terry Pratchett

"See the world like a big wardrobe. Everybody has his own costume. There is only one that fits you perfectly."

- George Harris

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right."

- Isaac Asimov

"I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened."

- Will Rogers

"After a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are."

- Shrek

"There comes a day when you’re gonna look around and realize happiness is where you are."

- Chief Tui

"Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat."

- Harry Emerson Fosdick

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess."

- Lemony Snicket

"Bad decisions make good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"Kill them with success and bury them with a smile."

- Usain Bolt

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday."

- Planes, Trains and Automobiles

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind."

"You want to get out of the hole? First you’re going to have to put down the shovel."

"Life is like photography. You need the negatives to develop."

"Be that kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor every morning, the devil says, 'Oh crap she’s up'."

"Always remember that you are unique — just like everybody else."

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."

"Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels."

"Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job."

"If at first you don’t succeed, try management."

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

"When life puts you in a tough situation, don’t say 'Why me?', say 'Try me'."

"Failure is not an option-it comes bundled with the software."

"We make mistakes because life doesn’t come with instructions."

"A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure."

"Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be a miserable cow."