Steven Wright

"I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

- Steven Wright

"Light travels quicker than sound. This is why people seem brighter than they actually are."

- Steven Wright

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak."

- Steven Wright

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

- Steven Wright

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"

- Steven Wright

"A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say, “How to Build a Boat.”"

- Steven Wright

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

- Steven Wright

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

- Steven Wright

"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."

- Steven Wright

"In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you’d get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it’s hard work, almost harder once you’re successful because you’ve got to maintain it."

- Steven Wright

"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."

- Steven Wright

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."

- Steven Wright

""To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.""

- Steven Wright

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

- Steven Wright

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

- Steven Wright

"Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’"

- Steven Wright

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

- Steven Wright

"I intended to live forever. So far, so good."

- Steven Wright

"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."

- Steven Wright

"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."

- Steven Wright

"In School, they told me Practice makes perfect. And then they told me Nobody’s perfect, so then I stopped practicing."

- Steven Wright

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

- Steven Wright

"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"

- Steven Wright

"You can’t have everything. It’s impossible to have everything."

- Steven Wright

"people appear bright until they speak."

- Steven Wright

"Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."

- Steven Wright

"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."

- Steven Wright

"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."

- Steven Wright

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?"

- Steven Wright

"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film."

- Steven Wright

""You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?""

- Steven Wright

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

- Steven Wright