Laugh Your Way to Inspiration: A Collection of Funny Life Quotes

"When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"Do or do not. There is no try."

- Yoda

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

"There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do."

- Amy Poehler

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says "I'm possible!""

- Audrey Hepburn

"And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart."

- Erma Bombeck

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."

- Robert Downey Jr.

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."

- Charlie Chaplin

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

- Tom Lehrer

"It ain’t over til it’s over."

- Yogi Berra

"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"If you’re going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up."

- Vince Lombardi

"Be happy, it drives people crazy."

- Paulo Coelho

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."

- Bryan White

"Even if you’re on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there."

- Will Rogers

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life."

- Andy Dwyer, Parks and Recreation

"My advice is not to wait to be struck by an idea. If you’re a writer, you sit down and damn well decide to have an idea. That’s the way to get an idea."

- Andy Rooney

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

- Oscar Wilde

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube."

- Joan Rivers

"Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye."

- Dorothy Parker

"Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine."

- Lord Byron

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!"

- C.S. Lewis

"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs... one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it."

- Robin Williams

"So long as your desire to explore is greater than your desire to not screw up, you’re on the right track."

- Ed Helms

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

- Thomas Edison

"I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning."

- George Costanza, Seinfeld

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems."

- Homer Simpson

"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!"

- Marvin Phillips

"Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else."

- Will Rogers

"To be is to do — Socrates. To do is to be — Jean-Paul Sartre. Do be do be do—Frank Sinatra."

- Kurt Vonnegut

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

- Dolly Parton

"Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny."

- Stephen Hawking

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"A peacock that rests on his tail feathers is just another turkey."

- Dolly Parton

"Your most important work is always ahead of you, never behind you."

- Stephen Covey

"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open."

- Frank Zappa

"The best revenge is massive success."

- Frank Sinatra

"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."

- Phyllis Diller

"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."

- Margaret Thatcher

"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."

- George Carlin

"Bad decisions make good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

- Phyllis Diller

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

- George Carlin

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself."

- Ethel Barrymore

"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

- Benjamin Franklin

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."

- Will Rogers

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"Trying is the first step toward failure."

- Homer Simpson

"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."

- Robert Bloch

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

- Terry Pratchett

"It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others."

- Ashleigh Brilliant

"You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club."

- Jack London

"Don’t do what you want. Do what you don’t want. Do what you’re trained not to want. Do the things that scare you the most."

- Chuck Palahniuk

"Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him."

- Charles Dickens

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."

- Ashleigh Brilliant

"Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe."

- Mark Twain

"A true friend is someone that thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."

- Bernard Meltzer

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."

- Katharine Whitehorn

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

- Mae West

"Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, ‘I’m not going to make it’, but you laugh inside remembering all the times you’ve felt that way."

- Charles Bukowski

"I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat."

- Harold Wilson

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."

- Linda Grayson

"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."

- Dale Carnegie

"Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one."

- Terry Pratchett

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

- Mark Twain

"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."

- Richard Jeni

"Don’t underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering."

- Winnie the Pooh

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is."

- RuPaul

"Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished — If you’re alive it isn’t."

- Richard Bach

"If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door."

- Milton Berle

"We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third."

- Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation

"Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there."

- Josh Billings

"I’m a bit of a sucker for second chances. They’re my first favorite kind of chance."

- Jessica Day, New Girl

"Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

"Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still."

- Chinese Proverb

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

- Steven Wright

"Aspire to inspire before we expire."

- Eugene Bell Jr.

"Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews!"

- Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants

"The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot."

- Michael Altshuler

"You can if you think you can."

- George Reeves

"Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door."

- Kyle Chandler

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

- Bill Watterson

"When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands."

- Larry David

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me."

- Garry Shandling

"People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys."

- Mike Bechtle

"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family."

- Bo Bennett

"From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge."

- Jarod Kintz

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."

- Edgar Allan Poe

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes."

- William Gibson

"My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time."

- Maria Bamford

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?"

- Lillian Donovan

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper."

- Quentin Crisp

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

- Ouiser Boudreaux

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."

- Philip K. Dick

"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."

- Jimmy Kimmel

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

- Douglas Adams

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

- Charles Lamb

"I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

- Jerome K. Jerome

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’"

- Don Marquis

"By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me."

- Miranda Priestly

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

- George Carlin

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."

- Oscar Wilde

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it."

- George Burns

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you."

- Walter Payton

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

- W.C. Fields

"When in doubt, look intelligent."

- Garrison Keillor

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

"An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."

- Michael Scott

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

- Rita Mae Brown

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

- Douglas Adams

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished."

- Leslie Nielsen

"I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

- Muhammad Ali

"It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work."

- William Faulkner

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’"

- Dave Barry

"No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.”"

- Robin Williams

"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."

- Mindy Kaling

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

- Noel Coward

"It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment."

- John Mulaney

"My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne."

- Tina Fey

"Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked."

- The Grinch

"My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’"

- Rose Nylund

"It’s important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to the friendship that we are not."

- Mignon McLaughlin

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

- Marilyn Monroe

"Criticism is the best sign you’re onto something."

- Michael Lopp

"A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction."

- Justin Sewell

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."

- Billie Burke

"Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night."

- Jason Love

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass."

- Sophia Petrillo

"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book."

- Groucho Marx

"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"

- Charlie Brown

"Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’"

- Steven Wright

"It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office."

- Shirley MacLaine

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."

- Richard Lewis

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."

- Blaise Pascal

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

- Steven Wright

"See the world like a big wardrobe. Everybody has his own costume. There is only one that fits you perfectly."

- George Harris

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

- Mark Twain

"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."

- Norman Wisdom

"Even a stopped clock is right twice every day."

- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

"Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them."

- Dick Van Dyke

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"And remember, no matter where you go, there you are."

- Confucius

"A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright."

- Lucille Ball

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

"I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken."

- H. Kyle Seale

"A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists."

- Don Marquis

"Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future."

- Niels Bohr

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat."

- Harry Emerson Fosdick

"I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels. Which is why I finally understand war."

- Jeff Winger, Community

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess."

- Lemony Snicket

"Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Don’t be so humble — you are not that great."

- Golda Meir

"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"

- Steven Wright

"We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits."

- William Somerset Maugham

"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."

- Fran Lebowitz

"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits."

- Albert Einstein

"It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous."

- Robert Benchley

"Fate is just what you call it when you don’t know the name of the person screwing you over."

- Lois, Malcolm in the Middle

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?','author':'Sydney J. Harris','category':'Adversity','relevanceScore':0.5},{"

- Carroll Bryant

"I cannot afford to waste my time making money."

- Louis Agassiz

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."

- Franklin P. Jones

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare."

- Benjamin Dover

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping."

- Bo Derek

"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas."

- Paula Poundstone

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."

- George Bernard Shaw

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

- George Carlin

"The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him."

- Oscar Wilde

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

- George Burns

"Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes."

- P.J. O’Rourke

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it."

- Shirley MacLaine

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

- Bob Hope

"You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there."

- George Burns

"People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup."

- Dolly Parton

"I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."

- Joan Rivers

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome."

- Isaac Asimov

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

- Redd Foxx

"Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours."

- Yogi Berra

"I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else."

- George Carlin

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else."

"A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure."

"The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts."

"Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them."

"You want to get out of the hole? First you’re going to have to put down the shovel."

"If the world didn't suck we'd all fly into space."

"When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water."

"Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet."

"The best things in life are actually really expensive."

"Every tattoo is temporary, because we’re all slowly dying."