The Ultimate Collection of Dwight Schrute Inspirational Quotes

"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."

- Dwight Schrute

"D.W.I.G.H.T. Determined. Worker. Intense. Good worker. Hard worker. Terrific."

- Dwight Schrute

"The Schrutes have a word for when everything in a man's life comes together perfectly. Perfectenschlag. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate. I am assembling a competent team. I am likely a father. I am so deep inside of perfectenschlag right now."

- Dwight Schrute

"Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing."

- Dwight Schrute

"Before I do anything I ask myself, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing."

- Dwight Schrute

"I am better than you have ever been or ever will be."

- Dwight Schrute

"I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me."

- Dwight Schrute

"Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most."

- Dwight Schrute

"I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me."

- Dwight Schrute

"Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate twice the speed of a normal man's."

- Dwight Schrute

"Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"

- Dwight Schrute

"Healthcare is 'Oh, I broke my leg!' A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you are dead!"

- Dwight Schrute

"They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!"

- Dwight Schrute

"I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed twenty men, and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight."

- Dwight Schrute

"How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable."

- Dwight Schrute

"Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag."

- Dwight Schrute

"No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes."

- Dwight Schrute

"I am fast. To give you a reference point, I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… and a panther."

- Dwight Schrute

"And I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t."

- Dwight Schrute

"No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes."

- Dwight Schrute

"Do I get along with my co-workers? Well, first of all, I don't have co-workers anymore, I have subordinates."

- Dwight Schrute

"I am faster than 80 percent of all snakes."

- Dwight Schrute

"Love is all you need? False, you need water and rations."

- Dwight Schrute

"In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is oh, I broke my leg! A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion. You’re dead!"

- Dwight Schrute

"I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves."

- Dwight Schrute

"PowerPoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat."

- Dwight Schrute

"You better learn your rules. If you don’t, you’ll be eaten in your sleep."

- Dwight Schrute

"Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"

- Dwight Schrute

"All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter."

- Dwight Schrute

"Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors."

- Dwight Schrute

"Bears are more afraid of you than you are of them? You obviously aren’t scared enough."

- Dwight Schrute

"Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy."

- Dwight Schrute

"I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."

- Dwight Schrute

"Once I’m officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."

- Dwight Schrute

"I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… And a panther."

- Dwight Schrute

"As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out… she was. With a couple of guys actually, so… mystery solved."

- Dwight Schrute

"In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas."

- Dwight Schrute

"Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"

- Dwight Schrute

"I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors."

- Dwight Schrute

"It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose."

- Dwight Schrute

"There are three things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season."

- Dwight Schrute

"You couldn’t handle my undivided attention."

- Dwight Schrute

"Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."

- Dwight Schrute

"To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this. Maybe they have something against living forever."

- Dwight Schrute

"Why are there so many people here? There’s too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague."

- Dwight Schrute

"In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas."

- Dwight Schrute

"As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical."

- Dwight Schrute

"People say, ‘oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose."

- Dwight Schrute

"The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever."

- Dwight Schrute

"It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work."

- Dwight Schrute

"I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cuz that’s the thing about bear attacks… they come when you least expect it."

- Dwight Schrute

"I am faster than 80% of all snakes."

- Dwight Schrute

"All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food and shelter."

- Dwight Schrute

"Michael always says K-I-S-S. Keep it simple stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time!"

- Dwight Schrute

"Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year."

- Dwight Schrute

"Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office."

- Dwight Schrute

"It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis… The person who I most medium suspect."

- Dwight Schrute

"No, I disagree. “R” is one of the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it murder not ‘muckduck’."

- Dwight Schrute

"Yes, I shouted fire. I shouted many things."

- Dwight Schrute

"Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence."

- Dwight Schrute

"People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck."

- Dwight Schrute

"I signed up for second life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same… except I could fly."

- Dwight Schrute

"In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching."

- Dwight Schrute

"I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same…except I could fly."

- Dwight Schrute

"Today, smoking is gonna save lives."

- Dwight Schrute

"Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy, each one better than the last!"

- Dwight Schrute

"Now that I own the building I’m looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center? Muahahahahahahahaha…Well I guess it’s not an evil idea, it’s just a regular idea, but there’s no good laugh for a regular idea."

- Dwight Schrute

"Of course Martial arts training is relevant… Uh, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ… You know what, you can go to hell, and I will see you there. Burning!"

- Dwight Schrute

"Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision."

- Dwight Schrute

"OK. When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher could ever copy."

- Dwight Schrute

"Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never."

- Dwight Schrute

"The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. Whatever. I’m over it. It’s just grossly irresponsible."

- Dwight Schrute

"Those who can’t farm, farm celery."

- Dwight Schrute

"Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms."

- Dwight Schrute

"Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it."

- Dwight Schrute

"When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."

- Dwight Schrute

"I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides."

- Dwight Schrute

"I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching."

- Dwight Schrute

"There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory."

- Dwight Schrute