Groucho Marx

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

- Groucho Marx

"When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'”"

- Groucho Marx

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind him is his wife."

- Groucho Marx

"No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."

- Groucho Marx

"I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it."

- Groucho Marx

"There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . . retire!"

- Groucho Marx

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it."

- Groucho Marx

"When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'"

- Groucho Marx

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"

- Groucho Marx

"Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!"

- Groucho Marx

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

- Groucho Marx

"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."

- Groucho Marx

"I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it."

- Groucho Marx

"Marriage is a wonderful institution … but who wants to live in an institution?"

- Groucho Marx

"Marry me, and I’ll never look at another horse!"

- Groucho Marx

"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."

- Groucho Marx

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

- Groucho Marx

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read."

- Groucho Marx

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished."

- Groucho Marx

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

- Groucho Marx

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

- Groucho Marx

"Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read."

- Groucho Marx

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

- Groucho Marx

"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book."

- Groucho Marx

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

- Groucho Marx

"Each morning when I open my eyes, I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today."

- Groucho Marx

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today."

- Groucho Marx

""I intend to live forever or die trying.""

- Groucho Marx

""Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.""

- Groucho Marx

""No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.""

- Groucho Marx

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

- Groucho Marx

"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book."

- Groucho Marx

""I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.""

- Groucho Marx

""Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.""

- Groucho Marx

"I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book."

- Groucho Marx

"Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth first."

- Groucho Marx

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

- Groucho Marx

"Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age."

- Groucho Marx

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

- Groucho Marx

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

- Groucho Marx

"If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong."

- Groucho Marx

"There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . . retire!"

- Groucho Marx

"No man goes before his time — unless his boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

- Groucho Marx

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."

- Groucho Marx