Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"I hailed from a tough neighborhood. I was once attacked by a man with a knife. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me."

- Rodney Dangerfield

""I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.""

- Rodney Dangerfield

"A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol’ man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."

- Rodney Dangerfield