193 Inspirational Funny Workplace Quotes to Brighten Your Office Day

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around."

- Homer Simpson

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."

- Robert Frost

"Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties."

- Doug Larson

"If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be 'meetings."

- Dave Barry

"I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying."

- Rita Rudner

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

- Charles Lamb

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

- Homer Simpson

"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it half-assed. That's the American way."

- Homer Simpson

"Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train."

- The Office

"I will always choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing, that's why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

- Thomas Edison

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

- George Carlin

"As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement."

- Tom Goins

"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

- Jerome K. Jerome

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"The reward for good work is more work."

- Francesca Elisia

"A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job."

- Zig Ziglar

"I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It's like, 'Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."

- Chris Rock

"My son is now an 'entrepreneur.' That's what you're called when you don't have a job."

- Ted Turner

"Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we'd be here every freakin' day."

- Ed Bernard

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you're donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

"There's an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job."

- Peter Drucker

"Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment."

- Dilbert

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life."

- Mark Twain

"The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."

- Will Rogers

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done."

- Peter Drucker

"You can't have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic."

- Zig Ziglar

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form."

- Stanley J. Randall

"People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The problem is they want a week's pay for it."

- Joey Adams

"Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work."

- Earl Nightingale

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?"

- Don Marquis

"A baseball game is twice as much fun if you're seeing it on the company's time."

- William C. Feather

"Where people aren't having fun, they seldom produce good work."

- David Ogilvy

"Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard."

- Tim Notke

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired."

- Michel Tournier

"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant."

- Scott Adams

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

"People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up."

- Ogden Nash

"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"I'm not great at the advice —can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse."

- Denise Miller

"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style."

- Quentin Crisp

"Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure."

- Earl Wilson

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."

- Bertrand Russell

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

- Woody Allen

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great."

- Zig Ziglar

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."

- Will Rogers

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."

- Cathy Guisewite

"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

- Benjamin Franklin

"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me."

- Ayn Rand

"I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms"

- Michael Scott

"Trying is the first step toward failure."

- Homer Simpson

"Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you're finished."

- Leslie Nielsen

"People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do."

- Elbert Hubbard

"It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work."

- William Faulkner

"Delegate your work. Stop spending dollar time on penny jobs."

- Mary Kay Ash

"If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut."

- Albert Einstein

"The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished."

- Groucho Marx

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy."

- Charlie McCarthy

"When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them."

- Steven Alexander Wright

"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito."

- Betty Reese

"Many of life's failures are experiences by people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

- Thomas Edison

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the real greats make you feel that you, too, can be great."

- Mark Twain

"An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault."

- William Castle

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

- Steven Wright

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

- Muhammad Ali

"Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you're just sitting still?"

- J. Paul Getty

"Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?"

- Steve Jobs

"There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?"

- Kin Hubbard

"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."

- David Letterman

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

- George Burns

"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes."

- Lewis Grizzard

"You never become a howling success by just howling."

- Bob Harrington

"I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

- Rita Mae Brown

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

- Maya Angelou

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."

- Helen Keller

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"

- Elbert Hubbard

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

- Steven Wright

"Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is!"

- Jeffrey Gitomer

"I'll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that's probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess."

- Cassandra Duffy

"Well-behaved women seldom make history."

- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

"Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's more like a cha-cha."

- Robert Brault

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

- Robin Williams

"Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"Live each day like it's your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night."

- Jason Love

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."

- Franklin P. Jones

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says "I'm possible!"

- Audrey Hepburn

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

- Terry Pratchett

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it."

- Groucho Marx

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there."

- Josh Billings

"Leaders who don't listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say."

- Andy Stanley

"Nobody ever wrote down a plan to be broke, fat lazy, or stupid. Those things are what happen when you didn't have a plan."

- Larry Winget

"If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work."

- Woody Allen

"I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one."

- Clarence Darrow

"The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."

- Sarah Brown

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so."

- Douglas Adams

"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."

- Leo Durocher

"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B."

- Fats Domino

"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."

- Henny Youngman

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor."

- John Ciardi

"Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done."

- Sam Ewing

"Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers."

- Proverb 10:26

"Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you'll never get a job working for a tabloid."

- Phil Pastoret

"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."

- Scott Adams

"A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction."

- Justin Sewell

"It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others."

- Ashleigh Brilliant

"It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value."

- Albert Einstein

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

- Henry David Thoreau

"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."

- Billie Burke

"It's a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleges and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."

- Alan Alda

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

- Groucho Marx

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

- Marilyn Monroe

"Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes."

- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"Bad decisions make good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind."

- Joseph Stilwell

"I'm not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you'll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain't going to happen."

- Junior Seau

"Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance."

- Sir Claus Moser

"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

- Tom Lehrer

"Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."

- Pablo Picasso

"Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things."

- T.S. Eliot

"Beware of any enterprise requiring new clothes."

- Henry Thoreau

"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake."

- Savielly Tartakower

"I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail."

- Abraham Maslow

"Create the highest, grandest vision possible for your life because you become what you believe."

- Oprah Winfrey

"It is very rare or almost impossible that an event can be negative from all points of view."

- Dalai Lama

"The world of the future is in our making. Tomorrow is now."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

"If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."

- Robert Bloch

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

- Mark Twain

"Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful."

- Benjamin Disraeli

"If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some."

- Benjamin Franklin

"The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour."

- Wernher von Braun

"Make sure you have a vice president in charge of your revolution, to engender ferment among your more conventional colleagues."

- David Ogilvy

"Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure."

- Joseph Heller

"The taxpayer—that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

- Ronald Reagan

"All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind."

- Aristotle

"Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it."

- Andrew Young

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

- Napoleon Bonaparte

"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you."