The Ultimate Collection of Funny and Inspirational Quotes to Brighten Your Day

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

- Henry Kissinger

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that."

- George Carlin

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess."

- Lemony Snicket

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

- Jules Renard

"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."

- Carroll Bryant

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

- Erich Segal

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

- Oscar Wilde

"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."

- Katharine Whitehorn

"Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there."

- Josh Billings

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don’t turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!"

- Marvin Phillips

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

- Ferris Bueller

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"Why, sometimes I’ve believed six impossible things before breakfast."

- Alice in Wonderland

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday."

- Planes, Trains and Automobiles

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."

- Forrest Gump

"Well, nobody’s perfect."

- Some Like It Hot

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

"Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube."

- Joan Rivers

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”"

- Sydney J. Harris

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

- Mark Twain

"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is."

- RuPaul

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

- Oprah Winfrey

"When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'"

- Groucho Marx

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

- Sylvia Plath

"We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits."

- William Somerset Maugham

"'Best friend' isn’t a person—it’s a tier."

- Mindy Kaling

"Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!""

- C.S. Lewis

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad."

- Arnold H. Glasgow

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."

- Oprah Winfrey

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."

- Linda Grayson

"You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal."

- Elizabeth Taylor

"A true friend is someone that thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."

- Bernard Meltzer

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Friendship is like money—easier made than kept."

- Samuel Butler

"It’s important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to the friendship that we are not."

- Mignon McLaughlin

"You can always tell a real friend: When you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job."

- Laurence J. Peter

"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"Marriage: a friendship recognized by the police."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."

- Richard Jeni

"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."

- Richard Lewis

"You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

- Henry Youngman

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

- Lily Tomlin

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

- Mae West

"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."

- Blaise Pascal

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

- Rita Mae Brown

"Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

- Ouiser Boudreaux

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

- Douglas Adams

"An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."

- Michael Scott

"I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

- Jerome K. Jerome

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time."

- Maria Bamford

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

- George Carlin

"People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys."

- Mike Bechtle

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass."

- Sophia Petrillo

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you."

- Walter Payton

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"Instant gratification takes too long."

- Carrie Fisher

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"When in doubt, look intelligent."

- Garrison Keillor

"Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

- W.C. Fields

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

- Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."

- Billie Burke

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

- Noel Coward

"My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne."

- Tina Fey

"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"

- Charlie Brown

"When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands."

- Larry David

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."

- Edgar Allan Poe

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper."

- Quentin Crisp

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."

- Philip K. Dick

"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."

- Jimmy Kimmel

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

- Charles Lamb

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’"

- Don Marquis

"By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me."

- Miranda Priestly

"Trying is the first step toward failure."

- Homer Simpson

"If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it."

- George Burns

"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas."

- Paula Poundstone

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

- Douglas Adams

"Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished."

- Leslie Nielsen

"I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

- Bill Watterson

"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."

- Mindy Kaling

"Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.”"

- Robin Williams

"You want to get out of the hole? First you’re going to have to put down the shovel."

"Note to self: don't argue with people that should be ignored."