Laugh Your Way to Inspiration: A Collection of Funny Quotes

""The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.""

- Vince Lombardi

""My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.""

- Maria Bamford

""Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.""

- George Carlin

""I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.""

- Ron White

""Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.""

- Robert Orben

""All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.""

- Mark Twain

""I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.""

- Douglas Adams

""My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.""

- Dave Barry

""I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.""

- Rodney Dangerfield

""The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.""

- Lucille Ball

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

""Trying is the first step toward failure.""

- Homer Simpson

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

""Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes.""

- William Gibson

""If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.""

- Claude MacDonald

""Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?""

- Edgar Bergen

""Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.""

- Elbert Hubbard

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

""I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.""

- Ouiser Boudreaux

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

""Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.""

- Robert Benchley

""Life is hard. After all, it kills you.""

- Katharine Hepburn

""Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube.""

- Joan Rivers

""Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path.""

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

- Tom Lehrer

"Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

""Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.""

- Mark Twain

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."

- Oscar Wilde

""Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.""

- Quentin Crisp

"To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs."

- Wanda

""When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.""

- Lily Tomlin

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."

- Forrest Gump

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

""By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.""

- Robert Frost

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

- Oscar Wilde

"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs... one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

""When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you.""

- Walter Payton

""If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’""

- Dave Barry

"The best revenge is massive success."

- Frank Sinatra

""I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.""

- Charles Lamb

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

""I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.""

- Phyllis Diller

""To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.""

- Reba McEntire

"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

- Benjamin Franklin

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

""You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.""

- Mae West

""No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.""

- Groucho Marx

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

- Phyllis Diller

""I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.""

- Rita Rudner

"Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping."

- Bo Derek

"Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night."

- Jason Love

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

""Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?""

- Lillian Donovan

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do."

- Amy Poehler

"If you’re going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."

- Oscar Wilde

""I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.""

- Jimmy Kimmel

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits."

- Albert Einstein

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

- Dolly Parton

""When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’""

- Don Marquis

"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."

- Phyllis Diller

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself."

- Ethel Barrymore

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

""Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.""

- Don Herold

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

""Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.""

- Ferris Bueller

""A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.""

- Willy Wonka

""Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.""

- Paula Poundstone

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

""The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.""

- Oscar Wilde

"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

""Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.""

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."

- Bryan White

""Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.""

- Rita Mae Brown

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

- Thomas Edison

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."

- Dodgeball

"I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet."

- Carrie Bradshaw

""I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.""

- Bill Gates

"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look."

- Halley Reed

"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

- Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

"People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass."

- Sophia Petrillo

""It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.""

- Muhammad Ali

"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

""Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.""

- Mark Twain

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

""True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.""

- Erich Segal

"It ain’t over til it’s over."

- Yogi Berra

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright."

- Lucille Ball

"Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them."

- Dick Van Dyke

"Even a stopped clock is right twice every day."

- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."

- Norman Wisdom

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

- Mark Twain

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

- George Carlin

"People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys."

- Mike Bechtle

"It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office."

- Shirley MacLaine

"Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’"

- Steven Wright

"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"

- Charlie Brown

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."

- Will Rogers

"I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

- Ouiser Boudreaux

"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."

- Billie Burke

"My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’"

- Rose Nylund

"A peacock that rests on his tail feathers is just another turkey."

- Dolly Parton

"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"I cannot afford to waste my time making money."

- Louis Agassiz

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."

- Franklin P. Jones

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas."

- Paula Poundstone

""The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.""

- James Branch Cabell

""Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.""

- Philip K. Dick

""By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me.""

- Miranda Priestly

""If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.""

- George Burns

""If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.""

- W.C. Fields

""When in doubt, look intelligent.""

- Garrison Keillor

""An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.""

- Michael Scott

""If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.""

- John Gotti

""A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.""

- Douglas Adams

""Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.""

- Leslie Nielsen

""I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.""

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

""It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.""

- William Faulkner

""People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.""

- A.A. Milne

""When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'""

- Sydney J. Harris

""A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.""

- Graham Norton

""Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.""

- Will Ferrell

""Marriage: a friendship recognized by the police.""

- Robert Louis Stevenson

""Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.""

- Richard Jeni

""When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.""

- Richard Lewis

""You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.""

- Henry Youngman

""If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?""

- Lily Tomlin

""Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.""

- Mae West

""The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.""

- Blaise Pascal

"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."

- Robert Downey Jr.

"Your most important work is always ahead of you, never behind you."

- Stephen Covey

"Criticism is the best sign you’re onto something."

- Michael Lopp

"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open."

- Frank Zappa

"Don’t be so humble — you are not that great."

- Golda Meir

"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book."

- Groucho Marx

"It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous."

- Robert Benchley

"I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."

- Fran Lebowitz

"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."

- Margaret Thatcher

"Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat."

- Harry Emerson Fosdick

"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."

- George Carlin

""Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.""

- Lemony Snicket

""Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.""

- Jules Renard

""Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.""

- Carroll Bryant

"Bad decisions make good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

""All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.""

- Charles M. Schulz

""Why, sometimes I’ve believed six impossible things before breakfast.""

- Alice in Wonderland

""If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.""

- Ace Ventura

""Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.""

- Planes, Trains and Automobiles

""My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.""

- Forrest Gump

""Well, nobody’s perfect.""

- Some Like It Hot

""I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere.""

- National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

""You want to get out of the hole? First you’re going to have to put down the shovel.""

- Incredibles 2

""Just keep swimming.""

- Dory, Finding Nemo

""A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have.""

- Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

""If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.""

- Dodgeball

""Today is a good day to try.""

- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

"The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last."

- Willy Wonka

"Keep calm and carry a wand."

- A.W. Jantha

"Just ’cause some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn’t make her your soulmate."

- 500 Days of Summer

"You’re not even old enough to know how bad life gets."

- The Virgin Suicides

"Well, nobody’s perfect."

- Some Like It Hot

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Instant gratification takes too long."

- Carrie Fisher

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"Here’s the deal, when life gives you lemons, just say f-ck the lemons and bail."