Hilarious and Inspirational Work Quotes to Brighten Your Day

"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."

- Phyllis Diller

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself."

- Ethel Barrymore

"Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears."

- Les Brown

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you’ll be criticized anyway."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

"The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me."

- Ayn Rand

"Life isn’t finding shelter in the storm. It’s about learning to dance in the rain."

- Sherrilyn Kenyon

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing."

- William James

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."

- Mark Twain

"Working hard is important. But there is something that matters more, believing yourself."

- Harry Potter

"Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, ‘I’m not going to make it’, but you laugh inside remembering all the times you’ve felt that way."

- Charles Bukowski

"Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not."

- Vaclav Havel

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

- Thomas Edison

"There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do."

- Amy Poehler

"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door."

- Kyle Chandler

"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs…one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"You can't have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic."

- Zig Ziglar

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself."

- Sam Levenson

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"When life brings big winds of change that almost blow you over, close your eyes, hang on tight, and believe."

- Lisa Lieberman-Wang

"After a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are."

- Shrek

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"Do or do not. There is no try."

- Yoda

"Don’t let schooling interfere with your education."

- Mark Twain

"Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done."

- Peter Drucker

"It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

- George Carlin

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."

- Forrest Gump

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"There comes a day when you’re gonna look around and realize happiness is where you are."

- Chief Tui

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"Delegate your work. Stop spending dollar time on penny jobs."

- Mary Kay Ash

"Oh, yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it or learn from it."

- Rafiki

"I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened."

- Will Rogers

"If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut."

- Albert Einstein

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats."

- Voltaire

"If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you."

- Billy Wilder

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"Aspire to inspire before we expire."

- Eugene Bell Jr.

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?"

- Captain Jack Sparrow

"I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right."

- Isaac Asimov

"Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it."

- Merida

"Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine."

- Lord Byron

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s van Wilder

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best — that is inspiration."

- Robert Bresson

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open."

- Frank Zappa

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you're finished."

- Leslie Nielsen

"It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."

- Steven Wright

"In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later."

- Harold Geneen

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!"

- C.S. Lewis

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

- Marilyn Monroe

"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."

- Margaret Thatcher

"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."

- Mitch Hedberg

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage."

- Anaïs Nin

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life."

- Andy Dwyer, Parks and Recreation

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

- Mae West

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

- Mark Twain

"Today is a good day to try."

- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

"You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it."

- Robin Williams

"Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up."

- Ann Bradford

"Well-behaved women seldom make history."

- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

- Oprah Winfrey

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

- George Burns

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."

- Robert Downey Jr.

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'"

- Sydney J. Harris

"If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."

- Yogi Berra

"Never follow anyone else’s path, unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is."

- RuPaul

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher."

- Socrates

"We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working."

- Justin Timberlake

"Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning."

- H. Jackson Brown Jr.

"Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you."

- Chip Gaines

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery."

- Erma Bombeck

"I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat."

- Mindy Kaling

"If you dig a grave for others you may fall into it yourself."

- Irish Proverbs

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you."

- Jeffree Star

"A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright."

- Lucille Ball

"Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos."

- Stanley Hudson

"I’m a bit of a sucker for second chances. They’re my first favorite kind of chance."

- Jessica Day, New Girl

"We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third."

- Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation

"No thank you, I prefer to get high on life."

- Millie Kentner

"Here’s some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it’s Shark Week."

- Tracy Jordan

"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels. Which is why I finally understand war."

- Jeff Winger, Community

"When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'"

- Groucho Marx

"We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits."

- William Somerset Maugham

"Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad."

- Arnold H. Glasgow

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."

- Oprah Winfrey

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."

- Linda Grayson

"A true friend is someone that thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."

- Bernard Meltzer

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"You can always tell a real friend: When you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job."

- Laurence J. Peter

"Marriage: a friendship recognized by the police."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."

- Richard Jeni

"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."

- Richard Lewis

"You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

- Henry Youngman

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

- Lily Tomlin

"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."

- Blaise Pascal

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess."

- Lemony Snicket

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

- Jules Renard

"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."

- Carroll Bryant

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

- Erich Segal

"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

- Jerome K. Jerome

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."

- Dodgeball

"Just ’cause some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn’t make her your soulmate."

- 500 Days of Summer

"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look."

- Halley Reed

"You’re not even old enough to know how bad life gets."

- The Virgin Suicides

"Well, nobody’s perfect."

- Some Like It Hot

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

- Oscar Wilde

"Instant gratification takes too long."

- Carrie Fisher

"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

- Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do."

- Elbert Hubbard

"I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one."

- Clarence Darrow

"It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work."

- William Faulkner

"As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement."

- Tom Goins

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

"The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."

- Sarah Brown

"The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form."

- Stanley J. Randall

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

- Homer Simpson

"There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?"

- Kin Hubbard

"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."

- David Letterman

"Be happy, it drives people crazy."

- Paulo Coelho

"Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished— If you’re alive it isn’t."

- Richard Bach

"Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one."

- Terry Pratchett

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

- Terry Pratchett

"See the world like a big wardrobe. Everybody has his own costume. There is only one that fits you perfectly."

- George Harris

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."

- Oscar Wilde

"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"

- Steven Wright

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"I cannot afford to waste my time making money."

- Louis Agassiz

"Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could."

- Charles J. Sykes

"Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes."

- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."

- Franklin P. Jones

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?"

- Albert Einstein

"Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious."

- Og Mandino

"People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing."

- Will Rogers

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."

- Cathy Guisewite

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it."

- Bob Hope

"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

- Tom Lehrer

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

- Phyllis Diller

"It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare."

- Benjamin Dover

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

- Mark Twain

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice."

- Sam Levenson

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more of they get older; then it dawned on me they are cramming for their final exam."

- George Carlin

"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."

- Bryan White

"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."

- George Carlin

"The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse."

- Denise Miller

"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs."

- Wanda

"Keep calm and carry a wand."

- A.W. Jantha

"The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last."

- Willy Wonka

"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"Kill them with success and bury them with a smile."

- Usain Bolt

"I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet."

- Carrie Bradshaw

"Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat."

- Harry Emerson Fosdick

"Bad decisions make good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them."

- Dick van Dyke

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews!"

- Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants

"I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning."

- George Costanza, Seinfeld

"You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal."

- Elizabeth Taylor

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

- Isaac Asimov

"It’s important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to the friendship that we are not."

- Mignon McLaughlin

"What am I scared of? I’m scared of the same thing that you are: everything."

- George Costanza

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

- Sylvia Plath

"Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die. Come watch TV."

- Morty

"Friendship is like money—easier made than kept."

- Samuel Butler

"Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I’ll find it along the way."

- Michael Scott

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems."

- Homer Simpson

"I don’t make the rules, ma’am. I just think them up and write them down."

- Eric Cartman

"'Best friend' isn’t a person—it’s a tier."

- Mindy Kaling

"My wife didn't take my name, which isn't weird, but what's weird is when people think it's weird, like we're on a first-name basis anyway."

- Mark Agee

"Your soul is like your appendix—I don’t even use it!"

- Michael Kelso

"Why can’t parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?"

- Rachel Green

"All life ends in death, which we, as a species, are cursed with knowing. Resulting in … something. Again, this is really not my field."

- Ian Duncan

"Fate is just what you call it when you don’t know the name of the person screwing you over."

- Lois, Malcolm in the Middle

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

- Bill Watterson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."

- Andy Rooney

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind."

"Here’s the deal, when life gives you lemons, just say f-ck the lemons and bail."

"Always remember that you are unique — just like everybody else."

"When life puts you in a tough situation, don’t say ‘Why me?’, say ‘Try me’."

"Life is like photography. You need the negatives to develop."

"Be that kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor every morning, the devil says, ‘Oh crap she’s up’."

"Some people are like clouds: when they disappear, it’s a beautiful day."

"Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll laugh at you."

"When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water."

"A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure."

"Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon."

"I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday."

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."

"I have to be successful because I like expensive things."

"You can’t always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out."

"We make mistakes because life doesn’t come with instructions."

"Getting paid to sleep... that's my dream job."

"Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be a miserable cow."

"My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still at work."