Hilarious and Inspirational: The Ultimate Collection of Funny Workplace Quotes

""Working hard is important. But there is something that matters more, believing yourself.""

- Harry Potter

""I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.""

- Michael Scott

"I don’t want to work. I just want to bang on this mug all day."

- Michael Scott, The Office

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"Friday is like a green light; you speed up until after work and start to slow down once the light turns yellow."

- El Fuego

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that."

- George Carlin

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"The only happy ending I know it’s the weekEND!"

- Giovannie de Sadeleer

"Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there."

- Josh Billings

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don’t turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!"

- Marvin Phillips

""Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.""

- Thomas Edison

"Cheer up, you only have 1924 Mondays ‘til retirement."

- Garfield

"Even the calendar says WTF after Monday and Tuesday."

- Taylor Hanson

"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

- Jerome K. Jerome

"Monday is like a vase—you shatter it with one wrong move."

- Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation

"I can’t believe it’s Monday again. It feels like it was just Monday yesterday."

- Andy Bernard, The Office

"Ah, Mondays. Careful, or you’ll kill me with enthusiasm."

- Garfield

"Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really."

- Arthur Darvill

""You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself.""

- Ethel Barrymore

""Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.""

- Les Brown

""Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not.""

- Vaclav Havel

""To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.""

- Reba McEntire

""Life isn’t finding shelter in the storm. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.""

- Sherrilyn Kenyon

"Fridays are the reason we work so hard during the week."

- David Cottrell

""The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.""

- Ayn Rand

""Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.""

- Dr. Seuss

""Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you’ll be criticized anyway.""

- Eleanor Roosevelt

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

""Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.""

- William James

""You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.""

- Robin Williams

"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there."

- Will Rogers

"Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

""There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do.""

- Amy Poehler

""The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs…one step at a time.""

- Joe Girard

""The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?""

- Captain Jack Sparrow

""You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.""

- Sam Levenson

""Do or do not. There is no try.""

- Yoda

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

""Oh, yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it or learn from it.""

- Rafiki

""After a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are.""

- Shrek

""There comes a day when you’re gonna look around and realize happiness is where you are.""

- Chief Tui

""Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.""

- Merida

""When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.""

- Ron White

"Fridays are the hardest in some ways: You’re so close to freedom."

- Lauren Oliver

"Delegate your work. Stop spending dollar time on penny jobs."

- Mary Kay Ash

"Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you."

- Zig Ziglar

"Where people aren’t having fun, they seldom produce good work."

- David Ogilvy

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it."

- Franklin P. Jones

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

- Thomas Edison

"If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut."

- Albert Einstein

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

- Homer Simpson

""If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito.""

- African proverb

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there."

- Josh Billings

"If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday."

- Noel Coward

"Many of life’s failures are experiences by people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

- Thomas Edison

"Oh! It’s Friday again. Share the love that was missing during the week. In a worthy moment of peace and bliss."

- S. O’ Sade

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the real greats make you feel that you, too, can be great."

- Mark Twain

"I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters."

- Frank Lloyd Wright

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

""Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, ‘I’m not going to make it’, but you laugh inside remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.""

- Charles Bukowski

"Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard."

- Tim Notke

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."

- Robert Frost

"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."

- Don Marquis

"It’s Aloha Friday, no work ’til Monday."

- Kimo Kahoano and Paul Natto

"The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"On Monday morning, I look forward fearlessly to Friday’s eve."

- Ellen Wittlinger

"If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where I can return Mondays."

- John Wagner

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either."

- James Johnson

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

- George Carlin

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

"Work is a necessary evil to be avoided."

- Mark Twain

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"It’s always difficult to keep Fridays confined within themselves… they tend to spill over."

- Kai Sinclair

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

- Charles Lamb

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job."

- Slappy White

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

""If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.""

- Phyllis Diller

""Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine.""

- Lord Byron

""People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.""

- A.A. Milne

""By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.""

- Robert Frost

""It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.""

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

""When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best — that is inspiration.""

- Robert Bresson

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done."

- Peter Drucker

"It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do."

- Elbert Hubbard

"The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."

- Sarah Brown

"There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?"

- Kin Hubbard

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so."

- Douglas Adams

"The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished."

- Groucho Marx

"People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it."

- Joey Adams

"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."

- Leo Durocher

"The reward for good work is more work."

- Francesca Elisia

"Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work."

- Earl Nightingale

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'"

- Don Marquis

"Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you're just sitting still?"

- J. Paul Getty

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

- Mark Twain

"A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job."

- Zig Ziglar

"I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around."

- Homer Simpson

"I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, 'Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.'"

- Chris Rock

"Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright."

- Anonymous

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it."

- Groucho Marx

"If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'"

- Dave Barry

"Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say."

- Andy Stanley

"Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance."

- Sir Claus Moser

"Nobody ever wrote down a plan to be broke, fat lazy, or stupid. Those things are what happen when you didn’t have a plan."

- Larry Winget

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."

- Bertrand Russell

"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."

- Scott Adams

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

"I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying."

- Rita Rudner

"Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done."

- Sam Ewing

"My son is now an 'entrepreneur.' That's what you're called when you don't have a job."

- Ted Turner

"Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we'd be here every freakin' day."

- Ed Bernard

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

- Steven Wright

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

- Henry Kissinger

"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."

- Katharine Whitehorn

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

""Aspire to inspire before we expire.""

- Eugene Bell Jr.

""People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily.""

- Zig Ziglar

""A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.""

- Frank Zappa

""To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.""

- Steven Wright

""Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.""

- Mark Twain

""All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.""

- Mark Twain

""A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.""

- Willy Wonka

""I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.""

- Will Rogers

""Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.""

- Elbert Hubbard

""I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.""

- Lily Tomlin

""If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.""

- Billy Wilder

""I’m in shape. Round is a shape.""

- George Carlin

""The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.""

- Mark Twain

""Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.""

- Anaïs Nin

""Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up.""

- Ann Bradford

""Well-behaved women seldom make history.""

- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

""Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.""

- Robert Downey Jr.

""Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.""

- Timothy Leary

""Never follow anyone else’s path, unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost.""

- Ellen DeGeneres

""If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.""

- Margaret Thatcher

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

""I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more of they get older; then it dawned on me they are cramming for their final exam.""

- George Carlin

""We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.""

- Bryan White

""My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.""

- Dave Barry

"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant."

- Scott Adams

"Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired."

- Michel Tournier

"An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault."

- William Castle

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

- Groucho Marx

"If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work."

- Woody Allen

"I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams."

- Anonymous

"It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleges and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."

- Alan Alda

"The taxpayer—that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

- Ronald Reagan

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!"

- Anonymous

"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."

- Henny Youngman

"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B."

- Fats Domino

"Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free."

- Anonymous

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

- Muhammad Ali

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy."

- Charlie McCarthy

""People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.""

- Will Rogers

""When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.""

- Cathy Guisewite

""A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.""

- Bob Hope

""Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.""

- Tom Lehrer

""It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare.""

- Benjamin Dover

""A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.""

- Mark Twain

""Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats.""

- Voltaire

""If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.""

- Dodgeball

""If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?""

- Albert Einstein

""If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.""

- Yogi Berra

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

""Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.""

- George Burns

""Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.""

- Oscar Wilde

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."

- David Letterman

"Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you're finished."

- Leslie Nielsen

""Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.""

- Charles Schulz

""Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.""

- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

""Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.""

- Jeffree Star

""You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?""

- Steven Wright

""Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.""

- Charles J. Sykes

""The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.""

- Terry Pratchett

"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

""Be happy, it drives people crazy.""

- Paulo Coelho

"People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up."

- Ogden Nash

"Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers."

- Proverb 10:26

"Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid."

- Phil Pastoret

""Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.""

- Dick Van Dyke

""If you dig a grave for others you may fall into it yourself.""

- Irish Proverbs

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"Sometimes I spend the whole meeting wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door."

- Anonymous

""Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.""

- Phyllis Diller

""A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.""

- Lucille Ball

""If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.""

- Elvis Presley

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

""You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.""

- Sam Levenson

""Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.""

- Terry Pratchett

""The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.""

- Bill Watterson

""The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.""

- Andy Rooney

""Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.""

- Franklin P. Jones

""Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.""

- Harry Emerson Fosdick

""Bad decisions make good stories.""

- Ellis Vidler

"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

- Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"I have to be successful because I like expensive things."

"I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday."

"My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck."

- Unknown

"A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure."

""When life puts you in a tough situation, don’t say ‘Why me?’, say ‘Try me’.""

"Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon."

""Be that kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor every morning, the devil says, ‘Oh crap she’s up’.”"

"After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF."

""When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.""

""Kill them with success and bury them with a smile.""

""Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll laugh at you.""

""You can’t always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out.""

""Some people are like clouds: when they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.""

""Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be a miserable cow.""

"My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still at work."