Hilarious and Heartwarming: A Collection of Funny Inspirational Birthday Quotes

"The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana."

- Betty White

"You know you’ve aged when you read events you lived in a history book."

- Will Ferrell

"Youth is a gift of nature, but age is a work of art."

- Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."

- Erma Bombeck

"Age is not important unless you’re a cheese."

- Helen Hayes

"You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the birthday cake."

- Bob Hope

"There is still no cure for the common birthday."

- John Glenn

"The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet."

- Robert Orben

"My birthday is in a couple weeks and people keep asking me what I want. I tell them, ‘cake, mostly.'"

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."

- Mark Twain

"Like many women my age, I am 28 years old."

- Mary Schmich

""Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!""

- Dr. Seuss

"You’ve heard of the three ages of man: Youth, middle age, and you’re looking wonderful."

- Cardinal Spellman

""A party without cake is just a meeting.""

- Julia Child

"Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative."

- Maurice Chevalier

"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once."

- Dave Barry

"How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?"

- Satchel Paige

""Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.""

- Maurice Chevalier

""Don’t regret another birthday, the good news is that you are alive and can celebrate it.""

- Catherine Pulsifer

"You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’"

- Jerry Seinfeld

"The key to acting your age, is to not act your age."

- Blake Clark

"Don’t regret another birthday, the good news is that you are alive and can celebrate it."

- Catherine Pulsifer

""The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.""

- Oprah

"To my surprise, my 70s are nicer than my 60s and my 60s than my 50s, and I wouldn’t wish my teens and 20s on my enemies."

- Lionel Blue

"Please don’t retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them."

- Anna Magnani

""Don’t just count your years, make your years count.""

- George Meredith

""Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.""

- Dorothy Canfield Fisher

"The older you get the better you get, unless you are a banana."

- Betty White

"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."

- Ogden Nash

"Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed."

- Anthony Powell

"Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you are just doing research."

- Carl G. Jung

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."

- Sir Norman Wisdom

"Age considers; youth ventures."

- Rabindranath Tagore

"In youth we learn; in age we understand."

- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

"Age appears to be best in four things: old wood to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read."

- Francis Bacon

"Wrinkles mean you laughed, grey hair means you cared and scars mean you lived."

- Cassandra Clare

"Age doesn’t depend upon years, but upon temperament and health."

- Nathaniel Emmons

"Age is just a number. You’re only old when you forget it."

- Stan Laurel

"We age not by years but by stories."

- Jeffrey Fry

"All the world is a birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much."

- George Harrison

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."

- Jack Benny

"Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional."

- Walt Disney

"May your candle’s glow reflect the joy within your soul."

- Richard G. Scott

"Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed."

- Charles Schultz

"Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning."

- Bob Hope

"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty."

- Joan Rivers

"Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it."

- Will Rogers

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off."

- Joan Rivers

"Inside every older person is a younger person—wondering what the hell happened."

- Jennifer Yane

""One of the best parts of growing older? You can flirt all you like since you’ve become harmless.""

- Liz Smith

""Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.""

- Mark Twain

"Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen."

- Jim Gaffigan

"I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don’t have to respect anybody."

- George Burns

"I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do."

- Phyllis Diller

"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act."

- Truman Capote

""There is still no cure for the common birthday.""

- John Glenn

""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.""

- Larry Lorenzoni

""You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.""

- Ogden Nash

""You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.'""

- Jerry Seinfeld

""Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.""

- Jim Gaffigan

""The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.""

- Lucille Ball

""Life really does begin at 40. Up until then, you are just doing research.""

- Carl G. Jung

""If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.""

- Ubie Blake

""The good thing about getting older is if you don’t want to do something you can say, I’m too old to do that!""

- Kate Summers

""The older you get the better you get, unless you are a banana.""

- Betty White

""We don’t grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old.""

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age."

- Robert Frost

"The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything."

- Oscar Wilde

"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you."

- Ogden Nash

"Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?"

- Bobby Kelton

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."

- Herbert Asquith

"I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it."

- Eva Gabor

"They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much."

- Malcolm Cowley

"I think all this talk about age is foolish. Every time I’m one year older, everyone else is too."

- Gloria Swanson

"Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young."

- Dorothy Canfield Fisher

"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."

- John Glenn

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself."

- Tom Wilson

"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not."

- Mark Twain

"We must both, I'm afraid, recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars - more and more repairs and replacements are necessary."

- C. S. Lewis

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it."

- Golda Meir

"Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age."

- C.E.M. Joad

"From birth to age eighteen, a girl needs good parents. From eighteen to thirty-five, she needs good looks. From thirty-five to fifty-five, she needs a good personality. From fifty-five on, she needs good cash."

- Sophie Tucker

"Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs."

- Kin Hubbard

"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself."

- Eubie Blake

""All the world is a birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.""

- George Harrison

""I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.""

- Eva Gabor

""A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.""

- Erma Bombeck

"Every year on my birthday, I start a new playlist titled after my current age so I can keep track of my favorite songs of the year as a sort of musical diary because I am a teenage girl."

- Chris Hardwick

""You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.""

- Woody Allen

"The first hundred years are the hardest."

- Wilson Mizner

""Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.""

- Ogden Nash

""You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.""

- Bob Hope

""Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.""

- Harold Coffin

""They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.""

- Malcolm Cowley

""Let us celebrate the occasion with wine and sweet words.""

- Plautus

""Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.""

- Herbert Henry Asquist

""When a man is tired of life on his 21st birthday, it indicates that he is rather tired of something in himself.""

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

""Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.""

- Groucho Marx

"Happy Birthday, ____! May your day be filled with laughter, your heart with love, and your wine glass never empty."

"Age is just a number. Unfortunately for you, that number is getting bigger today. Happy birthday, anyway!"

"Here’s to another year of laughing until we pee, crying until we laugh, and growing old disgracefully together. Happy Birthday!"

"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have more, live longer. Let’s live forever!"

"Happy Birthday! Here’s to another year of us making questionable decisions together."

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Happy budget-friendly birthday!"

"Just remember, you’re not over the hill; you’re simply standing at the peak of awesomeness! Happy birthday!"

"Happy Birthday, ____! May your hair dye and mascara never run… unlike your age, which just sprinted another year."

"Congratulations on reaching an age where your back goes out more than you do! Happy birthday!"

"Another year older, but definitely not wiser. Let’s make some questionable decisions together! Happy birthday!"

"Happy birthday! May your wrinkles be outnumbered by your laughter lines!"

"Don’t worry about getting older. You’re still younger than the dinosaurs. Have a prehistoric birthday!"

"Happy Birthday! Let’s continue to prove that the older we get, the better we are at life… or at least at pretending!"

"To the one who laughs at my jokes and cries at my lows: Thank you for being my emotional support animal. Happy Birthday!"

"Cheers to the friend who makes all my other friendships look boring. Have a blast!"

"To the one who shares my sense of humor and my secrets: May your birthday be as awesome as our adventures."

"Happy Birthday! Let’s make a pact to stay wild, even when we’re old and senile."

"To my best friend, who’s more special than a unicorn farting rainbows. Have a magical birthday!"

"Cheers to the one who comforts me when I cry and then makes me laugh until I cry all over again. Happy Birthday!"

"Happy Birthday, ____! May your day be as joyful and as free of responsibility as your first birthday."

"Happy Birthday! May your day be more beautiful than a unicorn pooping rainbows."

"To my best friend: May your birthday be the day you break your own record for ‘Most Cake Eaten in One Sitting’."

"Cheers to you on your birthday! May you stay forever young and adventurous, and may we always be mistaken for fun aunts."

"Happy Birthday! Remember, we’re not getting old, we’re getting awesome."

"Happy Birthday! Cake calories don’t count today."

"Cheers to another year of questionable decisions!"

"Happy Birthday! Now where’s the cake?"

"You’re not aging, you’re upgrading!"

"To my partner in wine, may your birthday be as fantastic as the first time we decided ‘just one more glass’."

"Birthdays are nature’s way of feeding us cake."

"Happy Birthday! May your day be filled with lots of cake and zero emails."

"You’re not getting older, just more seasoned!"

"Here’s to a colleague who’s a year older but not a day less brilliant. Happy Birthday!"

"Cheers to a colleague who makes even Mondays tolerable. Happy Birthday!"

"Happy Birthday! May your day be filled with joy, laughter, and minimal adulting."

"Happy birthday to the greatest friend I could have asked for! Here are some coupons for free shoulder massages to help soothe those aching bones."

"Happy Birthday! Time to start lying about your age."

"Happy Birthday! Let’s pretend we’re still in our prime."

"Age is just a number, but yours is getting high!"

"You’re not old, just more distinguished!"

"Wishing a stupendous birthday to the best friend ever! Let’s celebrate your special day the old fashioned way – early bird dinner and bingo!"

"Happy Birthday! Act surprised when we jump out."

"You’re becoming a classic right alongside me. Let’s pour another glass of wine to celebrate!"

"Wishing you a year ahead that's as fabulous as a well-timed coffee break!"

"Happy Birthday! Here’s to not acting your age at the office."

"Happy Birthday! Let’s celebrate with a meeting-free day!"

"Here’s to a year of fewer spreadsheets and more happy hours!"

"Here’s to another year of shared lunch breaks and office inside jokes. Happy Birthday!"

"Happy Birthday! Today, we’ll consider every hour a ‘happy hour’."

"Happy Birthday, ____! Remember, you’re not old, you’re a classic."

"Remember when birthdays were all about cake and presents? Well, guess what? It still is! Let’s celebrate!"

"Aging is inevitable. Maturity, on the other hand, is optional. Cheers to being forever young!"

"They say age is just a number. Well, in that case, let’s party like it’s 1999… or maybe 1899!"

"Dad, no matter how old you get, you’ll always be my superhero, just with a bit more dad jokes! Happy birthday!"

"Happy birthday, Dad! Here’s to another year of you pretending to understand technology!"

"They say wisdom comes with age. Well, Dad, you must be the wisest person I know… or just the most experienced at napping!"

"Dad, you’re not old; you’re a classic! Have a vintage birthday filled with joy and laughter!"

"Happy birthday, Dad! Thanks for teaching me that socks and sandals are a fashion statement… or at least a statement!"

"They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, so I guess that’s why I’m so darn funny! Thanks for the genes, Dad! Happy birthday!"

"Happy birthday, Dad! May your dad jokes be as cringe-worthy as ever, and your barbecue skills be unmatched!"

"I have a really good airplane joke I want to share, but I think it might go over your head… get it? I hope you have a great birthday!"

"Mom, you’re not getting older; you’re just increasing in value! Happy birthday to the queen of our hearts!"

"Happy birthday, Mom! May your wrinkles be outnumbered by your smiles and your gray hairs by your golden memories!"

"Mom, you’re like a fine wine – you only get better with age! Cheers to you on your special day!"

"Here’s to the woman who taught me that laughter is the best medicine… especially when it comes to embarrassing family stories! Happy birthday, Mom!"

"Mom, you’re the glue that holds our family together… and the duct tape that keeps us from falling apart! Happy birthday!"

"Happy birthday to my partner in crime! May our antics be legendary and our bail money non-existent!"

"Friends are like fine wine – they only get better with age… and a few more crazy stories! Cheers to you on your birthday!"

"Another year older, another reason to celebrate! Let’s party like it’s your birthday… because it is!"

"Happy birthday, buddy! Here’s to you on your special day – may your jokes be funny and your cake be extra sweet!"

"Friend, you’re not getting older; you’re just upgrading to a newer version of awesome! Have a fantastic birthday!"

"Happy birthday to a lifelong friend! I can’t wait until we’re old enough to be terrorizing the senior home nurses together!"

"I can’t figure out if life is passing us by or trying to run us over. Happy Birthday!"

"Happy birthday, coworker! May your inbox be empty, and your coffee cup never run dry on this special day!"

"Another year, another excuse to eat cake at the office! Happy birthday, coworker – may your day be as productive as your coffee breaks!"

"Coworker, you make the office a better place or at least a more bearable one! Happy birthday!"

"Here’s to the coworker who always knows where the coffee is and never misses a deadline! Happy birthday, work buddy!"

"Happy birthday, coworker! May your workload be light and your office gossip be juicy on this special day!"

"Happy Birthday, _______! May your day be more beautiful than a unicorn farting rainbows."

"_______, you’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap. But let’s party anyway! Happy Birthday!"

"Happy Birthday to ____, who’s fabulous, fierce, and a few minutes late to her own party."

"Happy Birthday, ____! You’re not getting older, you’re just becoming a more refined troublemaker."

"Happy Birthday, ____! May you stay forever young… at least in your Snapchat filters."

"Here’s to ____, whose birthday is the perfect excuse to wear glitter and not be judged."

"Cheers to you, my partner in crime, who ages like fine wine… or maybe just fine cheese."

"Happy Birthday! If anyone asks, we’re still 29 and holding."

"Happy Cake Day! Remember, it’s not a gray hair; it’s wisdom highlights."

"Happy Birthday! Let’s make some stories tonight that we won’t tell anyone… ever."

"Happy Birthday! May your hair dye and mascara never run, just like our friendship."

"Let’s celebrate the fact that you’re not as old as you will be next year. Happy Birthday!"

"Happy Birthday! It’s time to celebrate how fabulous you look with all that experience."

"Here’s to hoping your birthday is as much fun as you are… but that sets the bar really high."

"I spent 3 hours searching the internet for the perfect birthday message for you and then I gave up. Happy Birthday!"

"Happy Birthday to a crazy friend- thanks for making me seem like the normal one."

"Happy birthday to someone who still thinks it’s cool to party like it’s 1999. May your dance moves continue to make me cringe for years to come."

"Because it’s your birthday, I’ll share my fries with you. I hope you have the best birthday yet."

"Happy birthday to the person who is always there to help me draft a risky text."

"Remember to smile awkwardly as everyone sings ‘happy birthday’ to you."

"Older? Definitely. Wiser? …mmm debatable. Happy Birthday!"

"Happy birthday! Donut forget to celebrate with sprinkles of joy and frosting on top!"

"On your birthday, let’s have a moment of silence for all those brain cells we lost this year."

"Happy Birthday, _______! You prove that in our family, ‘growing up’ is optional."

"Cheers to ____, who makes aging look like an extreme sport. Happy Birthday!"

"Forget about the past you can’t change, the future you can’t predict and definitely forget about the present because I didn’t get you one. Happy birthday!"

"Another year, another reason to remind you that you’re stuck with me for life, mom. Happy Birthday."

"____, on your birthday, let’s toast to you! You’re the glitter in the glue of life."

"How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them."

"____, your birthday is the perfect time to reflect on all your questionable life choices… with a glass of wine in hand."

"Another year older, but don’t worry, you’re still a-peeling to us! Have a bananas birthday!"

"Happy Birthday. You’re as old as you are brilliant. Which is both good news and bad."

"To ____, who’s still a spring chicken, albeit one who needs more naps."

"Sending you oceans of love and lakes of laughter on your special day! Happy birthday, you shore are fin-tastic!"

"____, on your birthday, remember: you’re not getting older, you’re just collecting more stories for your autobiography."

"Wishing you a birthday that’s nacho average celebration! Let’s guac and roll!"

"Cheers to ____, who’s vintage and fabulous, with just the right amount of spice."

"Having me as your son is the greatest gift you could wish for. Happy Birthday!"

"Time to taco ’bout how awesome you are! Let’s fiesta like there’s no mañana!"

"Life’s a picnic, so let’s celebrate your birthday with a basket full of fun and a blanket of joy!"

"Wishing you a wine-derful birthday filled with lots of laughs and a little bubbly!"

"Happy Birthday! Remember, age is just a number, and in your case, it’s unlisted."

"Your birthday wishes may come and go, but our friendship will never get old."

"They say we get wiser with age. I say, who’s ‘they’ and why are ‘they’ so ageist?"

"Seriously, how are we already this old? Can we return us and get younger versions?"

"Happy birthday to my best antique – I mean best friend!"

"Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest, it’s about who walked in your life and said ‘I’m here for you’ and proved it."

"Happy Birthday! Let’s hope the cake is as sweet as the office gossip."

"May your birthday be as pleasant as our coffee breaks together."

"Here’s to celebrating your birthday the same way we tackle a project deadline – at the last minute."

"Happy Birthday! Now, which one of us is bringing the cake to the office?"

"Happy Birthday! Just a year closer to using your senior discount for office supplies."

"May your birthday be as epic as the office holiday party… minus the hangover."

"Happy Birthday! May your day be as bug-free as our software should be."

"Happy Birthday! Let’s celebrate with the enthusiasm we reserve for lunch breaks."

"May your birthday bring you as much joy as you get from a cleared email inbox."

"Happy Birthday! Remember, the best office parties are the ones HR doesn’t hear about."

"Wishing you a birthday that’s as deadline-free as a dream project."

"Happy Birthday! Let’s hope for a cake that’s as big as our to-do lists."

"Celebrating the birthday of the office’s unofficial tech support. May your day be glitch-free!"

"Happy Birthday! Here’s to a day without accidentally hitting ‘reply all’."

"Happy Birthday! May your special day be as problem-free as our last team outing."

"To the one who survives meetings by daydreaming: May your birthday dreams come true!"

"Another year wiser? We’ll see about that."

"Keep calm, it’s only a number. A big one, but still."

"Happy Birthday! You’ve reached the wonder years… wonder where your car is parked?"

"Happy Birthday! Welcome to the senior discount zone."

"Happy Birthday! You’re one year closer to a nap being the highlight of your day."

"You’re not over the hill. You’re on top of it!"

"Happy Birthday! Time to see if you can still party like a rockstar."

"Happy Birthday! May your hair dye and concealer be strong."

"Happy Birthday! Another year of surviving my jokes."

"Happy Birthday! Time to start practicing your ‘surprised’ face for the party."

"Wishing you a day filled with as much joy as finding an empty meeting room for your birthday lunch break!"

"Old enough to know better, too old to care."

"Growing old together is the best feeling. Unless you’re you."

"Happy Birthday! Don’t forget to iron that birthday suit."

"The first rule of aging: Don’t talk about it."

"To the coworker who knows where all the bodies are buried. Happy Birthday!"

"You’re not getting older, just more entitled to be grumpy."

"Another year older, but not necessarily wiser."

"Here’s to a birthday celebration that’s as on-budget as our projects never are."

"Let’s make a toast to your birthday and not to the printer jamming again."

"To the colleague who steals my lunch: may your birthday cake be filled with veggies!"

"Aging is a high price to pay for maturity."

"Another year, another new place that aches."

"We’ve been friends the longest…or does it just feel that way?"

"Cake, candles, and wrinkles, oh my!"

"Birthdays are like boogers, the more you have, the harder it is to breathe!"

"Why do cats love birthdays? They love to purrty."

"There’s really only one true birthday. The rest are simply anniversaries of the day of a person’s birth."

- Unknown

"Birthdays are like vacations. You don’t have one too often and they come and go too quickly."

- Unknown

"The old pessimist focuses on his growing number. The old optimist focuses on his growing blessings."

- Unknown

"Getting older is just part of life… and the other parts are even worse."

- Unknown

"The older you get, the more disoriented your hair gets. Once it leaves your head, it seems to get lost."

- Unknown

"Congratulations! You are now old enough to need TWO packs of candles for your cake."

"Two things that are inevitable for any living person are birthdays and taxes."

- Unknown

"Aging is the worst side effect of birthdays."

- Unknown

"Birthdays are like cheese. They stink more the older they get."

- Unknown

"It’s scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer."

"It’s better to be over the hill than under it. Birthday greetings on this special day."

"What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music."

"For _______, who shows us that every birthday is a new chapter in the book of ‘How to Stay Young at Heart’. Happy Birthday!"

"As you get older, three things happen. The first thing is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."

"Yes, we have reached that age… when every compliment we get is usually followed by ‘for your age’. You’re still looking great though… for your age!"

"We all knew this day was coming. It’s best to just suck it up and accept it’s no longer acceptable for you to eat a happy meal in public."

"Don’t worry about your age… alcohol will make it all better!"

"I will stop making age jokes on your birthday now… you’ve reached the age where it’s genuinely not funny anymore."

"Just remember the more candles on the cake, the bigger the cake you’ll get! Now who’s laughing?"

"Another year older and you’re one step closer to getting those Velcro shoes!"

"Remember that age is just a number… just a really, REALLY high one in your case!"

"I regret to inform you that your childhood has EXPIRED."

"Some say that age is just a number. I say that’s bullsh**. I mean, you’re getting really old. Happy birthday anyway."

"Happy birthday… congratulations on now being of the age where understand the horror of waking yourself up with your own fart!"

"You might be old, but you’re still a d***."

"Older and wiser… but still a bit of a pr***."

"Some things are better with age. Too bad you aren’t one of them."

"Congratulations on being a year older and still maintaining such a low level of maturity; you are truly an inspiration."

"I decided to keep having birthdays because it beats the alternative… Death."

"I hope your birthday is better than walking through a fart with your mouth open."

"Since it’s your birthday, I’ll let you leave the lights on."

"May your day be more beautiful than a unicorn farting rainbows."

"I hope you celebrate your birthday the way you came into this world, naked and screaming!"

"If I made fun of how many years old you are, it would be beyond funny."

"Getting someone as awesome as me to send a birthday message to you, has undoubtedly been your biggest achievement this year."

"Life was meant to be celebrated more often than just one day a year. Man, you’re missing opportunities the other 364 days!"

"Happy birthday! Here is a piece of card to show you how little I care…"

"I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am."

"If anyone calls you old, hit them with your cane and throw your teeth at them!"

"I didn’t know where to start on your birthday present so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours, I found some really good stuff. But then I remembered I was supposed to be finding you a birthday present and it was too late. Sorry!"

"You're not forty, you're eighteen with twenty-two years experience."

"Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake."

"Have a mucking farvellous birthday!"

"What are you so happy about? It’s your birthday and you are going to have to spend a lot of money to keep us happy. At least have fun doing it!"

"You’re the least famous person I know of who was born on your birthday."

"I couldn’t think of a message that would make you laugh for your birthday card… you’re too boring…"

"I hope your birthday is better than the card I sent you…"

"Seriously, I don’t know how many more of your birthdays I can handle."

"Another year older… and you still can’t grow a beard."

"Happy birthday! Let’s celebrate the first time you cried naked in someone else’s bed…"

"I hope you have a happy annual celebration of escaping from your mum’s uterus. I wish that you may never again have to return to your dark underwater prison."

"Birthdays are like bogeys. The more you have, the harder it is to breathe!"