Jerry Seinfeld

"Love is like a game of chess. Except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic: you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."

- Jerry Seinfeld

""Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.""

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."

- Jerry Seinfeld

""You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.'""

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’"

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.'"

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? … No pockets."

- Jerry Seinfeld

""You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, 'See if you can blow this out.'" ―Jerry Seinfeld"

- Jerry Seinfeld

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You can tell what was the best year of your father9s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"

- Jerry Seinfeld

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Having a two-year-old is like having a blender without a lid."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"A 2-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Make no mistake about why these babies are here—they are here to replace us."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"A 2-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don6t have a top for it."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Raising a son is like living with a tiny lawyer who negotiates bedtime."

- Jerry Seinfeld

""Raising a son is like living with a tiny lawyer who negotiates bedtime.""

- Jerry Seinfeld

"People don’t turn down money. It’s what separates us from the animals."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘see if you can blow this out.’"

- Jerry Seinfeld

"a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Make no mistake about why these babies are here — they are here to replace us."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."

- Jerry Seinfeld