132 Inspirational Quotes with Humor to Brighten Your Day

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you're donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun."

- Groucho Marx

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"Some people see things that are and ask, 'Why?' Some people dream of things that never were and ask, 'Why not?' Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

- George Carlin

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched."

- Mindy Kaling

"Marriage: a friendship recognized by the police."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."

- Richard Jeni

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."

- Linda Grayson

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing –that's why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"Bad decisions make good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"I'll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that's probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess."

- Cassandra Duffy

"I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms"

- Michael Scott

"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."

- Robert Bloch

"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."

- Billie Burke

"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious."

- Peter Ustinov

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have."

- Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we're going down the tube."

- Joan Rivers

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"God helps those who strut their stuff."

- Dan Sofer

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"When you're in love, it's the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."

- Richard Lewis

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

- Lily Tomlin

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."

- Charles Schulz

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

- Oprah Winfrey

"Most of us don't need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

"A true friend is someone that thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."

- Bernard Meltzer

"You can always tell a real friend: When you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job."

- Laurence J. Peter

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

- Steven Wright

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."

- Cathy Guisewite

"Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's more like a cha-cha."

- Robert Brault

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

- Robin Williams

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."

- Charlie Chaplin

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."

- Francis Bacon

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person."

- Audrey Hepburn

"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful."

- Bob Hope

"Humor is just another defense against the universe."

- Mel Brooks

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

"Today is a good day to try."

- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

"When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?"

- Sydney J. Harris

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"No matter where life takes me, you'll find me with a smile. Presumed to be happy, always laughing like a child. I never thought life could be this sweet! It's got me cheesing from cheek to cheek!"

- Mac Miller

"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

- Henny Youngman

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

- Mae West

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess."

- Lemony Snicket

"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."

- Carroll Bryant

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

- Sylvia Plath

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What? You too? I thought I was the only one!"

- C.S. Lewis

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad."

- Arnold H. Glasgow

"Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is!"

- Jeffrey Gitomer

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

- Mark Twain

"Well-behaved women seldom make history."

- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me."

- Ayn Rand

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."

- Will Rogers

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible!"

- Audrey Hepburn

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

- Terry Pratchett

"From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere."

- Dr. Seuss

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."

- Erma Bombeck

"Humor is reason gone mad."

- Groucho Marx

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don't turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere."

- National Lampoon’s van Wilder

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."

- Dodgeball

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don't enjoy games, then you're really missing the point of what this life is."

- RuPaul

"One thing I've learned about people is that the easiest way to get them to like you is to shut up and let them do the talking."

- José Andrés

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

- Jules Renard

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

- Erich Segal

"Best friend' isn't a person—it's a tier."

- Mindy Kaling

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."

- Oprah Winfrey

"You find out who your real friends are when you're involved in a scandal."

- Elizabeth Taylor

"It's important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to the friendship that we are not."

- Mignon McLaughlin

"The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

- Tom Lehrer

"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

- Benjamin Franklin

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

- Thomas Edison

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

- Marilyn Monroe

"Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven."

- Mark Twain

"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it."

- E. B. White

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

- Henry Kissinger

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."

- Katharine Whitehorn

"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!"

- Marvin Phillips

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

- Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

"Why, sometimes I've believed six impossible things before breakfast."

- Alice in Wonderland

"You want to get out of the hole? First you're going to have to put down the shovel."

- Incredibles 2

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

- Mark Twain

"We don't have to be defined by the things we did or didn't do in our past. Some people allow themselves to be controlled by regret. Maybe it's a regret, maybe it's not. It's merely something that happened. Get over it."

- Pittacus Lore

"The process of learning is a nonstop orgy of wonderment."

- Lev Grossman

"Parents always make their worst mistakes with their oldest children. That's when parents know the least and care the most, so they're more likely to be wrong and also more likely to insist that they're right."

- Orson Scott Card

"We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits."

- William Somerset Maugham

"Friendship is like money—easier made than kept."

- Samuel Butler

"If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections."

- George Eliot

"Well, nobody's perfect."

- Some Like It Hot (1959)

"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, 'Certainly I can!' Then get busy and find out how to do it."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there."

- Josh Billings

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

- Forrest Gump (1994)

"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."

- Blaise Pascal

"Hustle until your haters ask if you're hiring."

- Unknown