Jim Gaffigan

"Without Valentine’s Day, February would be… well, January."

- Jim Gaffigan

"Without Valentine’s Day, February would be...well, January."

- Jim Gaffigan

"Without Valentine's Day, February would be...well, January."

- Jim Gaffigan

"Summer vacation does kind of set up an adulthood of disappointment. That first job, you’re like, ‘I have to go to work in July? What is this, Russia?’"

- Jim Gaffigan

"Halloween is just finals week for parents."

- Jim Gaffigan

"Thanksgiving ... that is all about overeating. One of the main dishes is actually called ‘stuffing.’ Stuffing? What names did they turn down? ‘Cram-it-in?’ ‘Eat-till-you-can’t-breathe?’"

- Jim Gaffigan

"Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen."

- Jim Gaffigan

""Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen." ―Jim Gaffigan"

- Jim Gaffigan

"You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby."

- Jim Gaffigan

""Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.""

- Jim Gaffigan

"I’d like to say I’m a workout warrior, but I’m more of a workout…civilian. Someone who’s friendly with the workout warriors but doesn’t really participate."

- Jim Gaffigan