Demetri Martin

"I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'"

- Demetri Martin

"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is."

- Demetri Martin

"It’s Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out."

- Demetri Martin

"A fire truck with a back end on fire drives really fast in circles."

- Demetri Martin

"I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable."

- Demetri Martin

"In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard."

- Demetri Martin

"Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill."

- Demetri Martin

"Canoe + Waterfall = I don’t go camping anymore."

- Demetri Martin

"A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day."

- Demetri Martin