The Ultimate Collection of Inspirational Michael Scott Quotes to Brighten Your Day

"'You miss 100 percent of the chances you don’t take. – Wayne Gretzky' – Michael Scott"

- Michael Scott

"You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. - Wayne Gretzky - Michael Scott"

- Michael Scott

"Nobody should have to go to work thinking, ‘Oh, this is the place that I might die today.’ That’s what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest. To the max. To… an office is a place where dreams come true."

- Michael Scott

"That’s what she said."

- Michael Scott

"Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."

- Michael Scott

"Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way."

- Michael Scott

"You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. - Wayne Gretzky"

- Wayne Gretzky

"I guess the attitude that I’ve tried to create here is that I’m a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third."

- Michael Scott

"You may look around and see two groups here: white collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar-blind."

- Michael Scott

"Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like this compulsive need like my need to be praised."

- Michael Scott

"Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy – both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."

- Michael Scott

"You should never settle for who you are. Always go for better if it exists. Sometimes this is all there is to improve yourself."

- Michael Scott

"I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero?… I really can’t say, but yes!"

- Michael Scott

"Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way."

- Michael Scott

"The people that you work with are, when you get down to it, your very best friends."

- Michael Scott

"Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three."

- Michael Scott

"I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one someday."

- Michael Scott

"Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown."

- Michael Scott

"My philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever."

- Michael Scott

"I’m not usually the b**t of the joke. I’m usually the face of the joke."

- Michael Scott

"The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them."

- Michael Scott

"Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them."

- Michael Scott

"I learned a while back that if I do not text 911, people do not return my calls. Um, but people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened."

- Michael Scott

"The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money."

- Michael Scott

"I… Declare…. Bankruptcy!"

- Michael Scott

"...They say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her."

- Michael Scott

"I am Beyoncé, always."

- Michael Scott

"Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears."

- Michael Scott

"Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me."

- Michael Scott

"Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing."

- Michael Scott

"Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order."

- Michael Scott

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

- Michael Scott

"You know what they say. Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice...strike three."

- Michael Scott

"When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five years old. Couldn’t even talk yet."

- Michael Scott

"Webster's Dictionary defines wedding as: The fusing of two metals with a hot torch."

- Michael Scott

"People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy."

- Michael Scott

"There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it— And I am not going to tell them that I’ll be reading their e-mails."

- Michael Scott

"You want to hear a lie? I think you’re great. You’re my best friend."

- Michael Scott

"I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA."

- Michael Scott

"Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants… he says something ordinary like… ‘yo, thats shizzle.’ Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you."

- Michael Scott

"Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace."

- Michael Scott

"I don’t want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don’t think that’s too much to ask?"

- Michael Scott

"Granted, maybe this was not the best idea but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground."

- Michael Scott

"Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information."

- Michael Scott

"Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown."

- Michael Scott

"You know what they say ‘Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice… strike three.’"

- Michael Scott

"Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly, we didn’t connect, I was miserable. Now, I am in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery."

- Michael Scott

"I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers."

- Michael Scott

"Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah, of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees."

- Michael Scott

"There’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke."

- Michael Scott

"Friends joke with one another. ‘Hey, you’re poor.’ ‘Hey, your mama’s dead.’ That’s what friends do."

- Michael Scott

"It’s not that children make me uncomfortable, it’s just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I’ve never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle."

- Michael Scott

"I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends and no one can say ‘no’ to being my friend."

- Michael Scott

"Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don’t know if you guys know about it, but, basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm."

- Michael Scott

"They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you’re lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that’s crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad."

- Michael Scott

"If you break that girl’s heart, I will kill you. That’s just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family."

- Michael Scott

"As it turns out, you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So, I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it."

- Michael Scott

"Presents are the best way to show how much you care. It’s a tangible thing you can point at and say, ‘Hey man, I love you. This many dollars worth.’"

- Michael Scott

"I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40, I had less money than I did when I was 30."

- Michael Scott

"Hi, I’m Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

- Michael Scott

"You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party."

- Michael Scott

"He’s not the worst. OK? He’s not the worst. You know who’s the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though."

- Michael Scott

"Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would… be… chaos."

- Michael Scott

"I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and have worms."

- Michael Scott

"I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another."

- Michael Scott

"Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable."

- Michael Scott

"Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White-collar, blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind."

- Michael Scott

"Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone for any reason ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you’ve been... ever, for any reason whatsoever..."

- Michael Scott

"Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject so you know you are getting the best possible information."

- Michael Scott

"It’s Britney, bitch."

- Michael Scott

"The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and they'd come down and they'd suck the soul out of your body and it hurt!"

- Michael Scott

"And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do."

- Michael Scott

"I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream."

- Michael Scott

"If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice."

- Michael Scott

"Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at."

- Michael Scott

"I have cause. It is beCAUSE I hate him."

- Michael Scott

"You cheated on me?....When I specifically asked you not to?"

- Michael Scott

"I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon."

- Michael Scott

"I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl so I’m wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish… sort of a virtual United Nations."

- Michael Scott

"I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here."

- Michael Scott

"Is there something besides ‘Mexican’ you prefer to be called? Something less offensive?"

- Michael Scott

"Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn’t moving, you might think she was dead."

- Michael Scott

"Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy."

- Michael Scott

"I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. And I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected. Even though I peed on it."

- Michael Scott

"I’m not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home."

- Michael Scott

"It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don’t expect everyone to understand."

- Michael Scott

"I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go."

- Michael Scott

"Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he’s not really a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s not really a part of his family."

- Michael Scott

"There were these huge bins of clothes and everybody was rifling through them like crazy. And I grabbed one and it fit! So, I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual."

- Michael Scott

"We’re all homos. Homo… Sapiens."

- Michael Scott

"You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?"

- Michael Scott

"It takes you thirty seconds to brush your teeth? Wow, that’s ten times as long as it takes me."

- Michael Scott

"Number 8. Learn how to take off a woman's bra: You just twist your hand until something breaks."

- Michael Scott

"That has sort of an oak-y afterbirth."

- Michael Scott

"The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout ‘shotgun’ when you’re within sight of the car gets the front seat. That’s how the game’s played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion."

- Michael Scott

"Where are the turtles?!"

- Michael Scott

"It is St. Patrick's Day. And here in Scranton, that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas."

- Michael Scott

"When I discovered YouTube, I didn’t work for five days."

- Michael Scott

"You don't know me, you've just seen my penis."

- Michael Scott

"No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs… Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?"

- Michael Scott

"My mind is going a mile an hour."

- Michael Scott

"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."