The Ultimate Collection of the Cheesiest Inspirational Quotes to Brighten Your Day

"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."

- Katharine Whitehorn

"Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there."

- Josh Billings

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!"

- Marvin Phillips

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

- Ferris Bueller

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

"Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube."

- Joan Rivers

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”"

- Sydney J. Harris

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

- Mark Twain

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

- Oprah Winfrey

"When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'”"

- Groucho Marx

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!""

- C.S. Lewis

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad."

- Arnold H. Glasgow

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."

- Oprah Winfrey

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."

- Blaise Pascal

"It’s important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to the friendship that we are not."

- Mignon McLaughlin

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

- Jules Renard

"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."

- Carroll Bryant

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

- Erich Segal

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"I’m a bit of a sucker for second chances. They’re my first favorite kind of chance."

- Jessica Day, New Girl

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life."

- Andy Dwyer, Parks and Recreation

"I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels. Which is why I finally understand war."

- Jeff Winger, Community

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

- Sylvia Plath

"We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits."

- William Somerset Maugham

"Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

"We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third."

- Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."

- Linda Grayson

"A true friend is someone that thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."

- Bernard Meltzer

"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is."

- RuPaul

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess."

- Lemony Snicket

"You can always tell a real friend: When you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job."

- Laurence J. Peter

"Marriage: a friendship recognized by the police."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."

- Richard Jeni

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

- Lily Tomlin

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

- Mae West

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that."

- George Carlin

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don’t turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

"Why, sometimes I’ve believed six impossible things before breakfast."

- Alice in Wonderland

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."

- Forrest Gump

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

- Henry Kissinger

"Friendship is like money—easier made than kept."

- Samuel Butler

"‘Best friend’ isn’t a person—it’s a tier."

- Mindy Kaling

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews!"

- Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants

"Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos."

- Stanley Hudson

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."

- Richard Lewis

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems."

- Homer Simpson

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"All life ends in death, which we, as a species, are cursed with knowing. Resulting in … something. Again, this is really not my field."

- Ian Duncan

"Fate is just what you call it when you don’t know the name of the person screwing you over."

- Lois, Malcolm in the Middle

"No thank you, I prefer to get high on life."

- Millie Kentner

"You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal."

- Elizabeth Taylor

"I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning."

- George Costanza, Seinfeld

"Here’s some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it’s Shark Week."

- Tracy Jordan

"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

- Henry Youngman

"Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die. Come watch TV."

- Morty

"What am I scared of? I’m scared of the same thing that you are: everything."

- George Costanza

"Why can’t parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?"

- Rachel Green

"Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I’ll find it along the way."

- Michael Scott

"Your soul is like your appendix—I don’t even use it!"

- Michael Kelso

"I don’t make the rules, ma’am. I just think them up and write them down."

- Eric Cartman

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

- Oscar Wilde

"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."

- Mitch Hedberg

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'"

- Sydney J. Harris

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher."

- Socrates

"Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning."

- H. Jackson Brown Jr.

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery."

- Erma Bombeck

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"Just ’cause some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn’t make her your soulmate."

- 500 Days of Summer

"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look."

- Halley Reed

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"Today is a good day to try."

- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

"Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday."

- Planes, Trains and Automobiles

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s van Wilder

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."

- Dodgeball

"Well, nobody’s perfect."

- Some Like It Hot

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"Keep calm and carry a wand."

- A.W. Jantha

"Instant gratification takes too long."

- Carrie Fisher

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet."

- Carrie Bradshaw

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs."

- Wanda

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

- Isaac Asimov

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"You’re not even old enough to know how bad life gets."

- The Virgin Suicides

"My wife didn't take my name, which isn't weird, but what's weird is when people think it's weird, like we're on a first-name basis anyway."

- Mark Agee

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

"The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last."

- Willy Wonka

"You want to get out of the hole? First you’re going to have to put down the shovel."

"Here’s the deal, when life gives you lemons, just say f-ck the lemons and bail."