The Ultimate Collection of Hilariously Fake Inspiring Quotes

"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth."

- Mike Tyson

"If you’re going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

"Leadership refers to the art of convincing someone else to do what you want, because he is motivated to."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

""You tried your best and you failed. The lesson is: never try.""

- RoboWonder

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible!'"

- Audrey Hepburn

"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."

- Russell Lynes

"Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid."

- John Wayne

"Education is what one does after he has forgotten everything he learned at school."

- Albert Einstein

"Some cause happiness everywhere they go, others wherever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

"Always remember that your uniqueness is what you have. Just like everyone else."

- Margaret Mead

"I do not know what weapons World War III is going to be fought with, but World War IV can be fought with sticks or stones."

- Albert Einstein

"If at first you don't succeed, try try again. But then stop, because there's no point in making a fool of yourself."

- KhaoticMess

"If anything can go wrong, it will."

- Murphy’s Laws

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"The problem with being open-minded is that people will insist on trying to put things in their place."

- Terry Pratchett

"Remember: every corpse on Mt. Everest was once a motivated person."

- InkIcan

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning."

- H. Jackson Brown Jr.

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

""This is the worst day of my life" "The worst day of your life SO FAR""

- SuspiciousChair8918

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."

- Forrest Gump

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"The message of 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' is that your individuality will be mocked and shunned until it proves useful."

- Zoomulator

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you."

- Chip Gaines

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s van Wilder

"Just because you’re special, doesn’t mean you’re useful"

- boredmainah

"Today is a good day to try."

- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

"Don't follow your friends off a bridge; lead them. This would have been my high school yearbook quote, had they accepted it."

- SignificantView1671

"Don't forget, you're here forever."

- bife_de_lomo

"Success is not something you can hide. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?"

- Kin Hubbard

"I’m not old enough to know everything."

- Oscar Wilde

"Listen, smile, accept, and then do what you thought you would do anyway."

- Robert Downey Jr.

"It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black."

- Paul Newman

"Calamities come in two types: misfortunes to us and good fortune for others."

- Ambrose Bierce

"The road to success is always in construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"No one is as dumb as all of us together. A camel is a horse built by committee."

- SadMacaroon9897

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

- Mark Twain

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"History teaches us that men, nations, and the world behave wisely when they exhaust all other options."

- Abba Eban

"Most people miss the opportunity because they dress in overalls and pretend to work."

- Thomas Edison

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'"

- Sydney J. Harris

"I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."

- Mitch Hedberg

"People you hate are like slinkys they're not good for anything but you cracked a smile when you push them down a flight of stairs."

- froggojumper

"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."

- Billie Burke

"Marriage is a romantic relationship in which the heroine dies within the first chapter."

- Cecilia Egan

"Women who want to be equal with men are not ambitious."

- Marilyn Monroe

"If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big."

- Donald Trump

"Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."

- Robin Williams

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is."

- RuPaul

"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

- Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"In the same spirit, the early worm gets eaten by the bird."

- dmlane

"My health teacher back in high school used to frequently say “Life’s a bitch and then you die.”"

- zray312

"In my experience, it’s more like, life’s a bitch and you go on living."

- SnooChipmunks126

"Before he created the electric light, Edison had failed 10,000 times. Don’t let failure discourage you."

- Napoleon Hill

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher."

- Socrates

"I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat."

- Mindy Kaling

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

- Oscar Wilde

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"Keep calm and carry a wand."

- A.W. Jantha

"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look."

- Halley Reed

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

"Instant gratification takes too long."

- Carrie Fisher

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery."

- Erma Bombeck

"Just ’cause some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn’t make her your soulmate."

- 500 Days of Summer

"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working."

- Justin Timberlake

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"Well, nobody’s perfect."

- Some Like It Hot

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

- Isaac Asimov

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures.'"

- Robin Williams

"I’m not good at giving advice… Can you make a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing, 'Friends'

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"Do it for her."

- OfficeChairHero

"Computers can understand sarcasm better than Americans."

- Geoffrey Hinton

"Never delay what you can do tomorrow!"

- Mark Twain

"People may say that it is impossible to do something, but I do it every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"Change is not a four-letter word… but often your reaction to it is!"

- Jeffrey Gitomer

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

- Marilyn Monroe

"It doesn't matter how much you spend on expensive food. Always turned into shit."

- Arsenic_Cadmium

"The elevator to success is not an option. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"What are the appropriate proportions of maxims? The minimum amount of sound and the maximum amount of sense."

- Mark Twain

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."

- Dodgeball

"I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet."

- Carrie Bradshaw

"To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs."

- Wanda

"You’re not even old enough to know how bad life gets."

- The Virgin Suicides

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last."

- Willy Wonka

"My wife didn't take my name, which isn't weird, but what's weird is when people think it's weird, like we're on a first-name basis anyway."

- Mark Agee

"You can’t have everything. It’s impossible to have everything."

- Steven Wright

"An optimist believes this is the best possible universe. The opposite of optimists is pessimists who fear this to be true."

- Robert Oppenheimer

"Luck can be what you have left over after you give 100 per cent."

- Langston Coleman

"A half-truth is a lie."

- Yiddish Proverb

"I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess."

- Cassandra Duffy

"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"Common sense and sense of humor are two different things, but they move at different speeds. A sense of humor is simply common sense. It’s dancing."

- William James

"Sarcasm helps you overcome the harsh reality of life, makes people smile, and eases the pain of scars."

- Mahmoud Darwish

"Sarcasm is the last refuge for the imaginatively broke."

- Cassandra Clare

"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."

- Billy Sunday

"One might suspect that there are many things happening in the Universe, which he or her does not fully comprehend."

- Kurt Vonnegut

"I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"I hailed from a tough neighborhood. I was once attacked by a man with a knife. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Bad decisions are good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"This music will not do. It lacks sarcasm."

- Samuel Goldwyn

"Before judging a man, walk one mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!"

- Billy Connolly

"Sometimes I require what only you can give: your absence."

- Ashleigh Brilliant

"I love French sarcasm and irony. They are a great source of bad moods."

- Marjane Satrapi

"Experience is the name many people give their mistakes."

- Anonymous

"Whenever I’m about to give up, I remind myself the world would be a better place without me and I simply cannot let that happen."

"Trying is the first step to failing!"

"A diamond is simply a lump of coal that performed well under pressure."

- Anonymous

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is probably not for you."

"It's never too late to give up."

"The light at the end of the tunnel might be an oncoming train."

"What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor."

- Anonymous

"The early worm gets eaten."

"Life is too short. Smile while you have teeth."

- Anonymous

"Flawsome: Adj. Individual who is open to their “flaws” and recognizes that they are amazing."

- Anonymous

"I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words."

"Live slow. Die whenever."

"It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has the same taste."

- Anonymous

"If I had a dollar for every clever thing you said. I’ll be poor."

- Anonymous

"Always give 100%, except when you’re giving blood."

- Anonymous

"Spend your entire life doing weird things with weird people."

- Anonymous

"Here’s the deal, when life gives you lemons, just say f-ck the lemons and bail."

"Zombies eat brains. You’re safe."

"I’ve reached an age where my brain can go from a ‘You Probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘What the heck, let’s just see what happens.’"

- Anonymous

"When people ask me a stupid question, it’s my legal obligation to make a sarcastic comment."

- Anonymous

"Unless you are Google, stop pretending that you know everything."

- Anonymous

"Work until your bank account looks like your phone number."

- Anonymous

"Sarchotic: People don’t know if you’re serious or joking when you’re so sarcastic."

- Anonymous

"Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either."

- Anonymous

"Silence is gold. Duct tape can be described as silver."

- Anonymous

"Does love come from the first sight?"

- Anonymous

"Without Geometry, Life is Pointless."

- Anonymous