The Ultimate Collection of Hilariously Fake Inspiring Quotes

"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth."

- Mike Tyson

"If you’re going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

"Remember: every corpse on Mt. Everest was once a motivated person."

- InkIcan

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."

- Russell Lynes

"Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid."

- John Wayne

"Education is what one does after he has forgotten everything he learned at school."

- Albert Einstein

"Some cause happiness everywhere they go, others wherever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

"A diamond is simply a lump of coal that performed well under pressure."

- Anonymous

"Always remember that your uniqueness is what you have. Just like everyone else."

- Margaret Mead

"I do not know what weapons World War III is going to be fought with, but World War IV can be fought with sticks or stones."

- Albert Einstein

"If at first you don't succeed, try try again. But then stop, because there's no point in making a fool of yourself."

- KhaoticMess

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"If anything can go wrong, it will."

- Murphy’s Laws

"The problem with being open-minded is that people will insist on trying to put things in their place."

- Terry Pratchett

"Leadership refers to the art of convincing someone else to do what you want, because he is motivated to."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible!'"

- Audrey Hepburn

"Experience is the name many people give their mistakes."

- Anonymous

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

""You tried your best and you failed. The lesson is: never try.""

- RoboWonder

"Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning."

- H. Jackson Brown Jr.

"It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black."

- Paul Newman

"Life is too short. Smile while you have teeth."

- Anonymous

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"Listen, smile, accept, and then do what you thought you would do anyway."

- Robert Downey Jr.

"History teaches us that men, nations, and the world behave wisely when they exhaust all other options."

- Abba Eban

"Most people miss the opportunity because they dress in overalls and pretend to work."

- Thomas Edison

"Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you."

- Chip Gaines

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."

- Forrest Gump

"Don't forget, you're here forever."

- bife_de_lomo

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

""This is the worst day of my life" "The worst day of your life SO FAR""

- SuspiciousChair8918

"The road to success is always in construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"Just because you’re special, doesn’t mean you’re useful"

- boredmainah

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

"I’m not old enough to know everything."

- Oscar Wilde

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'"

- Sydney J. Harris

"I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."

- Mitch Hedberg

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

- Mark Twain

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor."

- Anonymous

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"Today is a good day to try."

- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

"The message of 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' is that your individuality will be mocked and shunned until it proves useful."

- Zoomulator

"Flawsome: Adj. Individual who is open to their “flaws” and recognizes that they are amazing."

- Anonymous

"Don't follow your friends off a bridge; lead them. This would have been my high school yearbook quote, had they accepted it."

- SignificantView1671

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"Success is not something you can hide. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?"

- Kin Hubbard

"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"Calamities come in two types: misfortunes to us and good fortune for others."

- Ambrose Bierce

"No one is as dumb as all of us together. A camel is a horse built by committee."

- SadMacaroon9897

"I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat."

- Mindy Kaling

"People you hate are like slinkys they're not good for anything but you cracked a smile when you push them down a flight of stairs."

- froggojumper

"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."

- Billie Burke

"It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has the same taste."

- Anonymous

"Marriage is a romantic relationship in which the heroine dies within the first chapter."

- Cecilia Egan

"Women who want to be equal with men are not ambitious."

- Marilyn Monroe

"If I had a dollar for every clever thing you said. I’ll be poor."

- Anonymous

"Always give 100%, except when you’re giving blood."

- Anonymous

"Spend your entire life doing weird things with weird people."

- Anonymous

"If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big."

- Donald Trump

"Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."

- Robin Williams

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is."

- RuPaul

"In the same spirit, the early worm gets eaten by the bird."

- dmlane

"My health teacher back in high school used to frequently say “Life’s a bitch and then you die.”"

- zray312

"In my experience, it’s more like, life’s a bitch and you go on living."

- SnooChipmunks126

"Before he created the electric light, Edison had failed 10,000 times. Don’t let failure discourage you."

- Napoleon Hill

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher."

- Socrates

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

- Oscar Wilde

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

- Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working."

- Justin Timberlake

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"Instant gratification takes too long."

- Carrie Fisher

"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"Well, nobody’s perfect."

- Some Like It Hot

"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look."

- Halley Reed

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

- Isaac Asimov

"Just ’cause some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn’t make her your soulmate."

- 500 Days of Summer

"Keep calm and carry a wand."

- A.W. Jantha

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery."

- Erma Bombeck

"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"Do it for her."

- OfficeChairHero

"Computers can understand sarcasm better than Americans."

- Geoffrey Hinton

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"People may say that it is impossible to do something, but I do it every day."

- Winnie The Pooh

"My wife didn't take my name, which isn't weird, but what's weird is when people think it's weird, like we're on a first-name basis anyway."

- Mark Agee

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last."

- Willy Wonka

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."

- Dodgeball

"I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet."

- Carrie Bradshaw

"To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs."

- Wanda

"Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures.'"

- Robin Williams

"You’re not even old enough to know how bad life gets."

- The Virgin Suicides

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"I’m not good at giving advice… Can you make a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing, ‘Friends’

"Change is not a four-letter word… but often your reaction to it is!"

- Jeffrey Gitomer

"What are the appropriate proportions of maxims? The minimum amount of sound and the maximum amount of sense."

- Mark Twain

"It doesn't matter how much you spend on expensive food. Always turned into shit."

- Arsenic_Cadmium

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"The elevator to success is not an option. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."

- Joe Girard

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

- Marilyn Monroe

"Never delay what you can do tomorrow!"

- Mark Twain

"You can’t have everything. It’s impossible to have everything."

- Steven Wright

"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."

- Billy Sunday

"A half-truth is a lie."

- Yiddish Proverb

"Sarcasm helps you overcome the harsh reality of life, makes people smile, and eases the pain of scars."

- Mahmoud Darwish

"Sarcasm is the last refuge for the imaginatively broke."

- Cassandra Clare

"An optimist believes this is the best possible universe. The opposite of optimists is pessimists who fear this to be true."

- Robert Oppenheimer

"Luck can be what you have left over after you give 100 per cent."

- Langston Coleman

"Common sense and sense of humor are two different things, but they move at different speeds. A sense of humor is simply common sense. It’s dancing."

- William James

"I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess."

- Cassandra Duffy

"This music will not do. It lacks sarcasm."

- Samuel Goldwyn

"Bad decisions are good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"When people ask me a stupid question, it’s my legal obligation to make a sarcastic comment."

- Anonymous

"Sometimes I require what only you can give: your absence."

- Ashleigh Brilliant

"I hailed from a tough neighborhood. I was once attacked by a man with a knife. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"Before judging a man, walk one mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!"

- Billy Connolly

"I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"One might suspect that there are many things happening in the Universe, which he or her does not fully comprehend."

- Kurt Vonnegut

"I’ve reached an age where my brain can go from a ‘You Probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘What the heck, let’s just see what happens.’"

- Anonymous

"Work until your bank account looks like your phone number."

- Anonymous

"Silence is gold. Duct tape can be described as silver."

- Anonymous

"Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either."

- Anonymous

"I love French sarcasm and irony. They are a great source of bad moods."

- Marjane Satrapi

"Unless you are Google, stop pretending that you know everything."

- Anonymous

"Without Geometry, Life is Pointless."

- Anonymous

"Does love come from the first sight?"

- Anonymous

"Sarchotic: People don’t know if you’re serious or joking when you’re so sarcastic."

- Anonymous

"Whenever I’m about to give up, I remind myself the world would be a better place without me and I simply cannot let that happen."

"It's never too late to give up."

"The light at the end of the tunnel might be an oncoming train."

"Trying is the first step to failing!"

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is probably not for you."

"The early worm gets eaten."

"Live slow. Die whenever."

"I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words."

"Here’s the deal, when life gives you lemons, just say f-ck the lemons and bail."

"Zombies eat brains. You’re safe."