"A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be."

- Steve Martin

"I used to smoke marijuana. But I’ll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening – or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early midafternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning…but never at dusk."

- Steve Martin

"Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol."

- Steve Martin

"Be so good, they can’t ignore you."

- Steve Martin

"Perseverance is a great substitute for talent."

- Steve Martin