Hilarious and Heartwarming: The Ultimate Collection of Inspirational Funny Retirement Quotes

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream."

- C.S. Lewis

""Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.""

- Jonathan Clements

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."

- Mark Twain

"In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

- Abraham Lincoln

"You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old."

- George Burns

""Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be.""

- Robert Browning

"Planning to retire? Before you do, find your hidden passion – do the thing that you have always wanted to do."

- Catherine Pulsifer

"It's time to say goodbye, but I think goodbyes are sad, and I'd much rather say hello. Hello to a new adventure."

- Ernie Harwell

"Don't cry because it's over – smile because it happened."

- Dr. Seuss

"Retirement is a blank sheet of paper. It is a chance to redesign your life into something new and different."

- Patrick Foley

"Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Retire from work, but not from life."

- M.K. Soni

"Don't simply retire from something; have something to retire to."

- Harry Emerson Fosdick

""Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five, I still had pimples!""

- George Burns

""Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.""

- Bob Hope

""I’m tired of retirement jokes. I retired my hearing aid, my teeth, and the mortgage. The only thing left is my breath.""

- Phyllis Diller

"Often when you think you’re at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else."

- Fred Rogers

"Retirement: that's when you return from work one day and say ‘hi honey, I'm home – forever’."

- Gene Perret

"Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it."

- Gene Perret

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."

- T.S. Eliot

"I need to retire from retirement."

- Sandra Day O’Connor

"Getting old is like climbing a mountain; you get a little out of breath, but the view is much better."

- Ingrid Bergman

""Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.""

- Mark Twain

"My dad's the type that would die six months after retiring, so I plan to have him work here forever."

- Rick Harrison

"I'm what you might call retired. It's a refined name for bum."

- Danny McGuire

"I retire for what, like, five minutes, and it all goes to sh*$."

- Hawkeye

"I've seen people get old, retire, and die. Rarely on the same day."

- Kaulder

"I'm going to retire, withdraw from public life, and become a hermit crab."

- Derek Zoolander

""You're not very good at retiring. "John Wick: "I'm workin' on it.""

- Bowery King and John Wick

""To age is to lose everything…except one’s soul.""

- Julio Cortázar

""Age has been the perfect fire in which to temper my spirit.""

- Philip Yancey

""To fear aging and death is to waste the time we have now.""

- Paulo Coelho

""Let us grow old together and see who has the most wrinkles.""

- Pablo Neruda

""The trouble with retirement is you never get a day off.""

- Abe Lemons

"Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren’t going to get rid of me that way."

- Betty White

"I’m not just retiring from the company, I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron."

- Hartman Jule

"Some of the best memories are made in flip flops."

- Kellie Elmore

"There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working."

- Rober Half

"I think that retirement is the first step towards the grave."

- Hugh Hefner

""When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money. And vice versa""

- Chi Chi Rodriguez

"When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money."

- Chi Chi Rodriguez

""Retirement is when you finally stop doing whatever the boss tells you to do and start doing what your heart tells you to do.""

- Unknown

"What do you call someone who's happy on Mondays? Retired!"

- Unknown

"The company gave me an aptitude test and I found out the work I was best suited for was retirement."

- Unknown

"Retirement is the world’s longest coffee break!"

- Unknown

"Retirement: No job, no stress, no pay!"

- Unknown

"Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living."

- Unknown

"I hope you like Saturdays, because every day just became Saturday!"

- Unknown

"You’re retired – goodbye tension, hello pension!"

- Unknown

""Ready for weeks full of nothing but Saturdays? Ready for a Monday to become 'Mon-Yay? Congrats.""

""Ditch the alarm clock! Retirement is the only time when 'early to bed' and 'early to rise' make no sense at all.""

""Wrinkles mean you laughed, grey hair means you cared, and scars mean you lived.""

- Unknown

""We're not getting older, we're getting better.""

- Unknown

""Retirement is like a firmware update for your life. Everything runs smoother.""

"Why do retirees smile all the time? Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!"

- Unknown

""Retirement: when you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.""

"The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does."

- Unknown

""What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired.""

"Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money."

- Unknown

"Retirement: It’s not the end of your life, it’s the end of your bank account."

- Unknown

""You're finally retired, so you can finally be the 'morning person' you always pretended to be on Zoom… or not. Your call.""

"Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home."

- Unknown

"God’s retirement plan is out of this world."

- Unknown

"A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job."

- Unknown

"Why are there so many old people in church? They’re cramming for the final."

- Unknown

"Don’t mess with old people, life imprisonment is not that much of a deterrent anymore."

- Unknown

"The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher closer to the cake."

- Unknown

"Retirement: It's not the end of your life, it's the end of your bank account!"

"If I've learned one thing from some of the most successful people in life it's this: Don't come out of retirement; if it didn't work for Brett Favre, it can't work for anyone."

"Retirement isn't that different from work; you still get to use sheets, visit docs, and steal other people's food out of the fridge."

"What do most people gain after retirement? It would be great to say peace and relaxation, but it's usually a few extra pounds!"

"You're going to have a lot to get rid of now that you're retired. You can start with the alarm clock!"

"If you're looking for something to do now that you're retired, feel free to mow the lawn any time."

"How do you get used to retirement? Just pretend it's Saturday, every day."

"Swap your early morning meeting for a mid-morning tee time. Now you can say you're retired."

"Join all the groups, clubs, and volunteer organizations you never had time for when you were working. You'll be just as busy as ever; you just won't be getting paid for it."

"When people ask what you've been doing since retirement, make up something interesting. No one wants to hear about your afternoon nap."

""Training someone new is going to be so time-consuming. Really wish you would have considered your retirement plan. Way to leave us in a lurch.""

""I can't wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o'clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.""

""Wishing you good luck on your new journey. I sure wish I could start doing nothing daily. Warm wishes.""

""Leaving so soon? We were just getting used to your weirdness. Best of luck—you'll need it without us.""

""My first thought when I heard you were leaving was, 'Wow, I am going to get so much more work done.' Good luck on your next adventure.""

""Super jealous you are retiring. Now you are definitely going to beat me at golf.""

""When you retire, you switch bosses – from the one who hired you to the one who married you.""

""Get that fishing pole ready. I don't know what else you are going to do with all your newfound time!""

""Happy beginning to the end, I mean rest, of your life!""

""Fore-get about work, it's time for a work on your golf game. Happy retirement!""

""I love you more with every falling leaf.""

- Unknown

"You have to put off being young until you can retire."

- Unknown

""Fine.....Go. We never liked you anyway. That's not true. I'm lashing out. Don't go!""

""You have always been semi-competent. I will miss that about you.""

""Some people come into your life and just really make their mark. They inspire you to be your best and to constantly seek to improve. They bring out the best in you and help you reach your true potential. That wasn't you, but maybe it will be your replacement. Can't wait to see who we hire. Happy retirement.""

"You picked a great time to retire, we were just about to start a revolt against your leadership style."

"Retirement is like one big sick day without the sick pay."

"Congratulations on deciding life is more important than work. What took you so long?"

"Where will we be without our fearless leader? Oh, that's right, we'll be relaxed and happy!"

"I hear retirement is really lonely. I hope you don't get lonely. If you do, don't call me; I'll be at work."

"Wait, you're leaving? I thought we were just all really excited you were getting new tires on your car!"

"Now that you're retired, you've got plenty of time to help me out with all the things I don't have time to do!"

"Wouldn't it be great if people celebrated your employment as much as they're celebrating your retirement?"

"I hear retired people have a much higher death rate than working people. I wonder what that's all about?"

"I'm sorry, I thought you were already retired since we never see you doing any work!"

"You're never too old to retire, but you're always too old to find a new job!"

"How can you ever be sure people are happy you get to retire and not happy they finally got rid of you?"

"Congrats on not having to pretend to work anymore."

"When you retire do you turn into the old version of Boss Baby? Will you be wearing a suit and tie while you nap on the couch?"

"We all aspire to retire, and then what?"

"Welcome to funemployment!"

"I hope you like Saturdays because every day just became Saturday!"

"When did being unemployed become something to brag about?"

"Happy end of everything you've worked your whole life for...wait, why are you retiring?"

"Happy Retirement. We'll always have each other. Except you — you won't have us because you won't be in the office."

"Welcome to the next phase of life. There's no dress code, but you probably can't afford clothes anymore, anyway!"

"Working with you was a real pleasure. Let your spouse know they can use me as a reference if they have any doubts about that."

"Congratulations. You've retired from your job. Too bad the next step is retiring from life!"

"It must be so hard leaving us all knowing you'll actually have to do things for yourself in retirement."

"Sometimes the best part of your job is retirement."

"You worked so hard all these years to become what, a couch bum?"

"It's sad you can't even be the boss of yourself in retirement. I'm sure your partner has been looking forward to this for years."

"I hear retirement can be really fun, but what's fun about being lazy and bored?"

"Now that you're retired, you can binge-watch all those great Netflix shows! What will you do the second week?"

"You've finally reached retirement age! Does that make you old or me young?"

"Congrats on retiring. Hopefully, you'll put more effort into your honey-do list than you did in your job."

"I hate to leave you all here, but I love the idea of me walking out the door more!"

"We were sad to hear you're retiring until we realized it means one less person absentmindedly hitting "reply all" needlessly on emails."

"Your retirement is making me look bad because now there's nobody who shows up later and leaves earlier than me."

"You might be excited about retirement, but we're not throwing you a party because we realize it means we're each getting some of your work added to ours."

"Congrats on being able to love Mondays again."

"Don't be one of those boomerang retirees. Even if your job's still here, we don't want you to be miserable with us!"

"We thought you were a team player, and there's no "I" in team, although there is one in "retirement.""

"It's going to be so weird not seeing you every day. What's your name again?"

"If you wake up on Monday and realize retirement isn't for you, I have two words: Walmart greeter."

"I'm not sure why you'd want to re-tire, we're all tired already!"

"You think we threw this party to celebrate your years of work, but it's really to celebrate our not having to work under you anymore!"

"I'm so sorry for your loss. No one is ever going to call you "boss" again."