Laugh Your Way Through Life: A Collection of Funny Inspirational Quotes

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

- Mae West

"Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube."

- Joan Rivers

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

- Elbert Hubbard

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring."

- Steve Maraboli

"Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night."

- Jason Love

"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

- Benjamin Franklin

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

- Drew Carey

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

- Oprah Winfrey

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

- Vince Lombardi

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

- Dave Barry

"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."

- Mitch Hedberg

"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."

- Tina Fey

"Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping."

- Bo Derek

"what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

- Tom Lehrer

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."

- Will Rogers

"True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway."

- Edna Buchanan

"People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board."

- Betty White

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

- Katharine Hepburn

"When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'"

- Groucho Marx

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!"

- Marvin Phillips

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."

- Katharine Whitehorn

"I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look."

- Halley Reed

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

- Mark Twain

"It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

- Thomas Edison

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out."

- Erma Bombeck

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles Schulz

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito."

- Dalai Lama

"Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you."

- Chip Gaines

"I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat."

- Mindy Kaling

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it."

- Mae West

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment."

- Robert Benchley

"Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning."

- H. Jackson Brown Jr.

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery."

- Erma Bombeck

"When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'"

- Sydney J. Harris

"Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there."

- Josh Billings

"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."

- Claude MacDonald

"Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that."

- George Carlin

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

- Edward Bergen

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."

- Robert Orben

"A peacock that rests on his tail feathers is just another turkey."

- Dolly Parton

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

- Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are."

- Damien Fahey

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

- Isaac Asimov

"I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending."

- Jack Whitehall

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life."

- Andy Dwyer, Parks and Recreation

"My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is."

- RuPaul

"I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later."

- Mitch Hedberg

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."

- George Bernard Shaw

"The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him."

- Oscar Wilde

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

"We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working."

- Justin Timberlake

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher."

- Socrates

"My wife didn't take my name, which isn't weird, but what's weird is when people think it's weird, like we're on a first-name basis anyway."

- Mark Agee

"Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"No thank you, I prefer to get high on life."

- Millie Kentner

"We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third."

- Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!”"

- C.S. Lewis

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

- Mark Twain

"Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos."

- Stanley Hudson

"Instant gratification takes too long."

- Carrie Fisher

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

- Henry Kissinger

"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."

- Groucho Marx

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."

- John Gotti

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

- Oscar Wilde

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."

- Luis Buñuel

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don’t turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow."

- Don Herold

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."

- Stephen Hawking

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

- George Burns

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."

- Billie Burke

"My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’"

- Rose Nylund

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning."

- George Costanza, Seinfeld

"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."

- Robert Frost

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."

- Oprah Winfrey

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

- Erich Segal

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate."

- Barack Obama

"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

- Rita Rudner

"Today is a good day to try."

- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

"The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last."

- Willy Wonka

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."

- Dodgeball

"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have."

- Roger Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"Keep calm and carry a wand."

- A.W. Jantha

"I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet."

- Carrie Bradshaw

"Just ’cause some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn’t make her your soulmate."

- 500 Days of Summer

"To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs."

- Wanda

"You’re not even old enough to know how bad life gets."

- The Virgin Suicides

"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."

- Forrest Gump

"Just keep swimming."

- Finding Nemo

"Well, nobody’s perfect."

- Some Like It Hot

"If you can’t be kind, at least be vague."

- Judith Martin

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."

- Charles M. Schulz

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

- Winnie the Pooh

"I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

- Chandler Bing

"You can kid the world, but not your sister."

- Charlotte Gray

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

- George Carlin

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

- Bob Hope

"You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there."

- George Burns

"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

- W.C. Fields

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

- Dolly Parton

"You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club."

- Jack London

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book."

- Groucho Marx

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."

- Oscar Wilde

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

- James Branch Cabell

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself."

- Ethel Barrymore

"It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office."

- Shirley MacLaine

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."

- Philip K. Dick

"People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys."

- Mike Bechtle

"You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great."

- Zig Ziglar

"The best revenge is massive success."

- Frank Sinatra

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

- Mark Twain

"I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

- Ouiser Boudreaux

"If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck."

- Elvis Presley

"I cannot afford to waste my time making money."

- Louis Agassiz

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."

- Franklin P. Jones

"Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas."

- Paula Poundstone

"Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews!"

- Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants

"What am I scared of? I’m scared of the same thing that you are: everything."

- George Costanza

"I’m a bit of a sucker for second chances. They’re my first favorite kind of chance."

- Jessica Day, New Girl

"Why can’t parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?"

- Rachel Green

"Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I’ll find it along the way."

- Michael Scott

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems."

- Homer Simpson

"I don’t make the rules, ma’am. I just think them up and write them down."

- Eric Cartman

"Fate is just what you call it when you don’t know the name of the person screwing you over."

- Lois, Malcolm in the Middle

"Here’s some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it’s Shark Week."

- Tracy Jordan

"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels. Which is why I finally understand war."

- Jeff Winger, Community

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

- Sylvia Plath

"We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits."

- William Somerset Maugham

"‘Best friend’ isn’t a person—it’s a tier."

- Mindy Kaling

"Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad."

- Arnold H. Glasgow

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."

- Linda Grayson

"You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal."

- Elizabeth Taylor

"A true friend is someone that thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."

- Bernard Meltzer

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Friendship is like money—easier made than kept."

- Samuel Butler

"It’s important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to the friendship that we are not."

- Mignon McLaughlin

"You can always tell a real friend: When you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job."

- Laurence J. Peter

"Marriage: a friendship recognized by the police."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."

- Richard Jeni

"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."

- Richard Lewis

"You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

- Henry Youngman

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

- Lily Tomlin

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

- Mae West

"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."

- Blaise Pascal

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess."

- Lemony Snicket

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

- Jules Renard

"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."

- Carroll Bryant

"Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die. Come watch TV."

- Morty

"If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

"I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere."

- Van Wilder, National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

"All life ends in death, which we, as a species, are cursed with knowing. Resulting in … something. Again, this is really not my field."

- Ian Duncan

"Your soul is like your appendix—I don’t even use it!"

- Michael Kelso

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."

- Bill Murray

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

- Phyllis Diller

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

- Mark Twain

"Bad decisions make good stories."

- Ellis Vidler

"Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat."

- Harry Emerson Fosdick

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."

- Margaret Thatcher

"I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms."

- Michael Scott

"I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin

"I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

- Jerome K. Jerome

"There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do."

- Amy Poehler

"It ain’t over til it’s over."

- Yogi Berra

"It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

- Muhammad Ali

"I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’"

- Don Marquis

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

- Charles Lamb

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."

- Edgar Allan Poe

"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."

- Jimmy Kimmel

"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."

- George Carlin

"When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

"You will find the key to success under the alarm clock."

- Benjamin Franklin

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."

- Norman Wisdom

"Even a stopped clock is right twice every day."

- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."

- Bryan White

"Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them."

- Dick Van Dyke

"If you’re going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

"A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright."

- Lucille Ball

"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops."

"Here’s the deal, when life gives you lemons, just say f-ck the lemons and bail."

"The light at the end of the tunnel might be an oncoming train."

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is probably not for you."

"Don't follow your friends off a bridge; lead them."

"Whenever I’m about to give up, I remind myself the world would be a better place without me and I simply cannot let that happen."

"Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist—while you guys were busy arguing about the glass of wine, I drank it! Sincerely, the opportunist!"

"I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."

"Trying is the first step to failing!"

"Live slow. Die whenever."

"Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair."

"You tried your best and you failed. The lesson is: never try."

"It's never too late to give up."

"The early worm gets eaten."

"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."