Hilarious and Heartwarming: The Ultimate Collection of Funny Inspirational Birthday Quotes

"Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!"

- Dr. Seuss

"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."

- Ogden Nash

"Don’t just count your years, make your years count."

- George Meredith

"Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young."

- Dorothy Canfield Fisher

""Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed." ―Charles Schulz"

- Charles Schulz

""You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, 'See if you can blow this out.'" ―Jerry Seinfeld"

- Jerry Seinfeld

""Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen." ―Jim Gaffigan"

- Jim Gaffigan

""Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." ―Joan Rivers"

- Joan Rivers

""Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning." ―Bob Hope"

- Bob Hope

""You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely." —Ogden Nash"

- Ogden Nash

""A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age." —Robert Frost"

- Robert Frost

""Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed." —Arthur Schopenhauer"

- Arthur Schopenhauer

""We don’t grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old." —Ralph Waldo Emerson"

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

""You know you’ve aged when you read events you lived in a history book." ―Will Ferrell"

- Will Ferrell

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."

- Mark Twain

"Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?"

- Rachel Green, Friends

"One of the best parts of growing older? You can flirt all you like since you’ve become harmless."

- Liz Smith

""Inside every older person is a younger person—wondering what the hell happened." ―Terry Pratchett"

- Terry Pratchett

""Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." ―Truman Capote"

- Truman Capote

""When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off." ―Joan Rivers"

- Joan Rivers

""A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday." ―Erma Bombeck"

- Erma Bombeck

""There is still no cure for the common birthday." ―John Glenn"

- John Glenn

""I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do." ―Phyllis Diller"

- Phyllis Diller

""I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don’t have to respect anybody." ―George Burns"

- George Burns

""The older you get the better you get. Unless you are a banana." ―Betty White"

- Betty White

""The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." ―Lucille Ball"

- Lucille Ball

"Don’t regret another birthday, the good news is that you are alive and can celebrate it."

- Catherine Pulsifer

"Today is the oldest you have been, and the youngest you will ever be. Make the most of it!"

- Eleanor Roosevelt

""Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it." ―Will Rogers"

- Will Rogers

"Live your life and forget your age."

- Norman Vincent Peale

"A party without cake is just a meeting."

- Julia Child

"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them."

- Ogden Nash

"Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen."

- Jim Gaffigan

""You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." ―Bob Hope"

- Bob Hope

""You can live to be hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." ―Woody Allen"

- Woody Allen

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate."

- Oprah Winfrey

"Life really does begin at 40. Up until then, you are just doing research."

- Carl G. Jung

"We don’t grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

""I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it." ―Eva Gabor"

- Eva Gabor

""Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter." ―Mark Twain"

- Mark Twain

"You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.'"

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."

- Jack Benny

"Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional."

- Walt Disney

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the birthday cake."

- Bob Hope

"Age is not important unless you’re a cheese."

- Helen Hayes

"Youth is a gift of nature, but age is a work of art."

- Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

"The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana."

- Betty White

"Inside every older person is a younger person—wondering what the hell happened."

- Jennifer Yane

"As you get older, though, you realize there are fire extinguishers. You do have an ability to control the flames."

- Chaka Khan

"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not."

- Mark Twain

"Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed."

- Charles Schultz

"It takes a long time to grow young."

- Pablo Picasso

"The good thing about getting older is if you don’t want to do something you can say, I’m too old to do that!"

- Kate Summers

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

- Bob Hope

"The older you get the better you get, unless you are a banana."

- Betty White

"You’re in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy birthday!"

- Catherine Pulsifer

"Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age."

- C.E.M. Joad

"The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once."

- E. Joseph Cossman

"Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive, it isn’t."

- Richard Bach

"Live as long as you may. The first 20 years are the longest half of your life."

- Robert Southey

"If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes."

- Euripedes

"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."

- Erma Bombeck

"All the world is a birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much."

- George Harrison

"Your 20s are your ‘selfish’ years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible."

- Kyoko Escamilla

"When you turn 30, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents."

- Blair Sabol

"Thirty was so strange for me. I’ve really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult."

- C.S. Lewis

"They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much."

- Malcolm Cowley

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself."

- Tom Wilson

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age."

- Robert Frost

"It’s sad to grow old, but nice to ripen."

- Brigitte Bardot

"Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs."

- Kin Hubbard

"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself."

- Eubie Blake

"I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do."

- Phyllis Diller

"Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative."

- Maurice Chevalier

"21 is a terrific age, maybe the best. Too bad you can’t be that old for the rest of your life."

- Greg Tamblyn

"Thirty is not that old! Do you know how old the earth is?"

- Ross Geller, Friends

"Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of 30."

- Robert Frost

"After 30, a body has a mind of its own."

- Bette Midler

"Turning the big 4-0, well, that can seem like a blow. No worries though, as 50 will be here before you know!"

- Catherine Pulsifer

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."

- Herbert Asquith

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

- Woody Allen

"You’ve heard of the three ages of man: Youth, middle age and you’re looking wonderful."

- Cardinal Francis Spellman

"Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed."

- Anthony Powell

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down."

- George Burns

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."

- Sir Norman Wisdom

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it."

- Golda Meir

"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest."

- Larry Lorenzoni

"Like many women my age, I am 28 years old."

- Mary Schmich

"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once."

- Dave Berry

"Looking 50 is great—if you’re 60."

- Joan Rivers

"Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature."

- Harold Coffin

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

- Groucho Marx

"Let us celebrate the occasion with wine and sweet words."

- Plautus

"The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it."

- Doris Day

"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you."

- Ogden Nash

"A man is getting old when he walks around a puddle instead of through it."

- R.C. Ferguson

"Now that you’re 21, it’s time to stop playing video games and start designing them."

- Melanie White

"Of late I appear to have reached that stage when people who look old are only my age."

- Richard Armour

"I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it."

- Eva Gabor

"Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life."

- Kitty O’Neill Collins

"Youth is a disease from which we all recover."

- Dorothy Fuldheim

"There is still no cure for the common birthday."

- John Glenn

"No, no, no can’t be. I distinctly remember. Your birthday was last year."

- Mother Gothel, Tangled

"No wonder I’m unhappy. My twin forgot my birthday."

- Jerry Dennis

"When a man is tired of life on his 21st birthday, it indicates that he is rather tired of something in himself."

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

"Happy Birthday to you, we hope that all year you never feel blue. Now that you are 55, we hope that you will survive."

- Marcia Goldlist

"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!"

- Kate Summers

"The best part of being older is that you did most of your stupid stuff before social media. Cheers to another trip around the sun!"

"Don't think of it as aging, think of it as leveling up. Congratulations and here's to a great year ahead!"

"Age is just a number. Unfortunately for you, that number is getting bigger today. Happy birthday, anyway!"

"I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am."

"Happy Birthday! Remember, age is just a number. Unfortunately, in your case, it’s a really high one!"

"To quote Shakespeare: ‘Party thine ass off!’"

"Forget about the past you can’t change, the future you can’t predict and definitely forget about the present because I didn’t get you one. Happy birthday!"

"Happy Birthday! Don’t worry about the number of candles on your cake; just think of it as a fire hazard."

"Congratulations on reaching the age where you can’t remember what you were going to say next!"

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Happy budget-friendly birthday!"

"Just remember, you’re not over the hill; you’re simply standing at the peak of awesomeness! Happy birthday!"

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Happy Birthday!"

"Remember when birthdays were all about cake and presents? Well, guess what? It still is! Let’s celebrate!"

"Aging is inevitable. Maturity, on the other hand, is optional. Cheers to being forever young!"

"Dad, no matter how old you get, you’ll always be my superhero, just with a bit more dad jokes! Happy birthday!"

""What did the fish say when it swam smack into the wall?" "Dam, you're old." Happy birthday, friend."

"Few things in this world age really well: wine, cheese, whiskey… and quality antiques. (What did you think I was going to say? Happy birthday!)"

"Knock, knock. Who’s there? Happy Bee. Happy Bee who? Happy 🐝 day to you!"

"Happy birthday to the most fungi 🍄 I know."

"Birthdays are just like golf—if you don’t keep count it's a lot more fun."

"Whatever you do, don't let aging get you down. It's way too hard to get back up again!"

"Happy birthday to the man I want to grow old and cranky with!"

"May you celebrate this birthday the way you celebrated the first one: naked and screaming."

"Happy birthday to a dude who isn't showing his age—or acting it, either."

"Older? For sure. Wiser? Not so much. Happy Birthday, bro!"

"You know you've hit middle age when your back is hairier than your head."

"It’s your birthday! You're now a year closer to being that old guy who yells at kids to get off his lawn."

"I'm glad we get to grow old together and that you get a head start. Happy birthday!"

"Happy Birthday, old man. So glad you're still alive and cake-ing!"

"If anyone calls you old this birthday, don't worry about it. Just hit him with your cane and throw your dentures at him."

"I've already alerted the fire department, so go ahead and light the candles on your cake."

"Happy Birthday, big guy! Don't forget to iron the wrinkles out of that birthday suit."

"If it's any consolation, in whiskey years you're just getting tastier. Happy birthday!"

"Knock, knock. Who’s there? Abby. Abby who? Abby birthday!"

"Happy birthday to my ride or die! I can’t wait until we’re old enough to terrorize the nursing home together!"

"Did you know women get smarter and more fabulous with age? Happy birthday!"

"The secret to staying young is make-up—make-up an age, then stick with it."

"Is it hot in here? Must be all the candles on your birthday cake."

"I can only hope to be as great a woman as you one day. But, obviously with better clothes. Happy birthday!"

"How do two pickle friends celebrate each other? They _relish_ their birthdays, of course."

"Happy, Happy Birthday to the "she" to my "nanigans"!"

"Happy birthday to one of the only people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder."

"Don't think of them as gray hairs. Think of them as strands of birthday glitter growing out of your head."

"This birthday, just remember: there's absolutely no shame in the Botox game."

"Another birthday spent together...you know we're going to be friends 'til we're old and senile, right? And then we'll be new friends!"

"One minute, you’re young and fun. The next, you have a favorite burner on the stove. Which one is yours?"

"You don’t look a day over 20. From a distance. With my eyes squinted. Happy birthday, bestie!"

"For your birthday, I wanted to give you something that was absolutely wonderful, but then I remembered you already have me."

"Happy Birthday to someone who is comparable to fine wine and cheese. You just get better with age, lady!"

"On your birthday, keep this in mind... you only look as old as your last selfie."

"It’s your (birthday) party and you’ll cry if you want to, though I don’t recommend it. We'll be taking loads of pics tonight and you don't want to streak your mascara."

"Here’s to another year of questionable life decisions! Happy birthday, rock star!"

"Happy Birthday, queen! You definitely don’t look a day older than the age you tell people you are."

"You know, you've just turned the perfect age. You're old enough to recognize your mistakes but young enough to make a few more more."

"Happy Birthday! They say wisdom comes with age. You must be one of the wisest people I know!"

"Another year older, but definitely not any wiser. Happy Birthday!"

"Happy Birthday! At least you’re not as old as you will be next year!"

"Cheers to you on your birthday! May your day be filled with cake, cocktails, and a little bit of chaos."

"Happy Birthday! You’re not old; you’re just a classic!"

"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you. Keep it up!"

"Don’t worry about getting older. You’re still younger than the dinosaurs. Have a prehistoric birthday!"

"Congratulations on reaching an age where your back goes out more than you do! Happy birthday!"

"Another year older, but definitely not wiser. Let’s make some questionable decisions together! Happy birthday!"

"Happy birthday! May your wrinkles be outnumbered by your laughter lines!"

"They say age is just a number. Well, in that case, let’s party like it’s 1999… or maybe 1899!"

"I heard you were hoping for Taylor Swift tickets for your birthday. So… good luck with that. Happy birthday!"

"Dad, you’re not old; you’re a classic! Have a vintage birthday filled with joy and laughter!"

"They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, so I guess that’s why I’m so darn funny! Thanks for the genes, Dad! Happy birthday!"

"Birthdays are like cheese. They stink more the older they get."

- Unknown

"Mom, you’re not getting older; you’re just increasing in value! Happy birthday to the queen of our hearts!"

"Happy birthday, Mom! May your wrinkles be outnumbered by your smiles and your gray hairs by your golden memories!"

"Mom, you’re like a fine wine – you only get better with age! Cheers to you on your special day!"

"Here’s to the woman who taught me that laughter is the best medicine… especially when it comes to embarrassing family stories! Happy birthday, Mom!"

"Mom, you’re the glue that holds our family together… and the duct tape that keeps us from falling apart! Happy birthday!"

"At your age, when you say you're going to get lit on your birthday, let's face it—everyone knows you're talking about the cake."

"Happy birthday to my partner in crime! May our antics be legendary and our bail money non-existent!"

"Friends are like fine wine – they only get better with age… and a few more crazy stories! Cheers to you on your birthday!"

"Another year older, another reason to celebrate! Let’s party like it’s your birthday… because it is!"

"Happy birthday, buddy! Here’s to you on your special day – may your jokes be funny and your cake be extra sweet!"

"Friend, you’re not getting older; you’re just upgrading to a newer version of awesome! Have a fantastic birthday!"

"Older? Definitely. Wiser? …mmm debatable. Happy Birthday!"

"Happy birthday to a lifelong friend! I can’t wait until we’re old enough to be terrorizing the senior home nurses together!"

"I can’t figure out if life is passing us by or trying to run us over. Happy Birthday!"

"Remember to smile awkwardly as everyone sings ‘happy birthday’ to you."

"Happy birthday to the person who is always there to help me draft a risky text."

"Because it’s your birthday, I’ll share my fries with you. I hope you have the best birthday yet."

"Happy birthday to someone who still thinks it’s cool to party like it’s 1999. May you dance moves continue to make me cringe for years to come."

"Happy Birthday to a crazy friend- thanks for making me seem like the normal one."

"Happy birthday, coworker! May your inbox be empty, and your coffee cup never run dry on this special day!"

"I spent 3 hours searching the internet for the perfect birthday message for you and then I gave up. Happy Birthday!"

"Another year, another excuse to eat cake at the office! Happy birthday, coworker – may your day be as productive as your coffee breaks!"

"Coworker, you make the office a better place or at least a more bearable one! Happy birthday!"

"Here’s to the coworker who always knows where the coffee is and never misses a deadline! Happy birthday, work buddy!"

"Happy birthday, coworker! May your workload be light and your office gossip be juicy on this special day!"

"It’s better to be over the hill than under it. Birthday greetings on this special day."

"It’s scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer."

"They say wisdom comes with age. Well, Dad, you must be the wisest person I know… or just the most experienced at napping!"

"Happy birthday, Dad! Here’s to another year of you pretending to understand technology!"

"Happy birthday, Dad! Thanks for teaching me that socks and sandals are a fashion statement… or at least a statement!"

"Happy birthday, Dad! May your dad jokes be as cringe-worthy as ever, and your barbecue skills be unmatched!"

"I have a really good airplane joke I want to share, but I think it might go over your head… get it? I hope you have a great birthday!"

"I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. Heres to another year of growth and making us all groan from your dad jokes. Happy Birthday!"

"Having me as your son is the greatest gift you could wish for. Happy Birthday!"

"Happy Birthday. You’re as old as you are brilliant. Which is both good news and bad."

"Another year, another reason to remind you that you’re stuck with me for life, mom. Happy Birthday."

"Both age and glasses of wine should never, ever be counted. Happy birthday to you!"

"This is the youngest you'll ever be. Happy birthday!"

"They say age only matters if you're cheese or wine, but happy birthday anyway!"

"You're not old, you're vintage. Happy birthday!"

"Cheers to another years of making the rest of us look bad!"

"Happy birthday to a friend old enough to remember mix tapes!"

"Hey friend, you still look 21 from a distance. Happy birthday!"

"You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime. Happy birthday!"

"On your birthday, I thought of giving you the cutest gift in the world. But then I realized that is not possible because you yourself are the cutest gift in the world."

"It’s birthday time again, and wow! You’re a whole year older now! So clown around and have some fun to make this birthday your best one. Happy birthday!"

"Just wanted to be the first one to wish you happy birthday so I can feel superior to your other well-wishers. So, happy birthday!"

"Congratulations on being even more experienced. I’m not sure what you learned this year, but every experience transforms us into the people we are today. Happy birthday!"

"When the little kids ask how old you are at your party, you should go ahead and tell them. While they’re distracted trying to count that high, you can steal a bite of their cake! Happy birthday!"

"Another year older, but don’t worry, you’re still a-peeling to us! Have a bananas birthday!"

"Sending birthday wishes to my best travel buddy… We sure do like to take trips around the sun together."

"So what if you're no spring chicken 🐣? Be egg-tra on your birthday!"

"Happy not-legally-old-enough-to-do-anything-fun birthday."

"Congratulations on officially being old enough to get your driver's license! But do you avocado 🥑?"

"Happy birthday! Donut forget to celebrate with sprinkles of joy and frosting on top!"

"Wishing you a wine-derful birthday filled with lots of laughs and a little bubbly!"

"You might be prehistoric, but at least you're not extinct!"

"Happy beer-day, bud."

"What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music."

"How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them."

"You're one year closer to the senior citizen discount. Congrats, friend!"

"Happy birthday, old friend. Will you tell me the story again about what the 1900s were like?"

"Time to taco ’bout how awesome you are! Let’s fiesta like there’s no mañana!"

"Sending you oceans of love and lakes of laughter on your special day! Happy birthday, you shore are fin-tastic!"

"Why do cats love birthdays? They love to purrty."

"Life’s a picnic, so let’s celebrate your birthday with a basket full of fun and a blanket of joy!"

"You can cross out "dying young" from your worry list. Happy birthday!"

"Wishing you a birthday that’s nacho average celebration! Let’s guac and roll!"

"Happy birthday to someone who is smart, gorgeous, funny and reminds me a lot of myself… from one fabulous chick to another!"

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. Happy birthday!"

"Happy birthday to someone who is forever young!"

"Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. And forget about the present, I didn’t get you one. Happy birthday!"

"Cheers on your birthday. One step closer to adult underpants."

"Don’t get all weird about getting older! Our age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying us!"

"Happy Birthday! You know, you don’t look that old. But then, you don’t look that young, either."

"Happy birthday! May your Facebook wall be filled with messages from people you never talk to."

"You’re older today than yesterday but younger than tomorrow, happy birthday!"

"Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder."